Pissing in the wind Ch4

1

OD-ing and Sobe2

The sun was shining through the vans windows and trees were rushing by. Heat kept hitting my face making my whole body itch. “On our way to Cheyenne!” Called James from the helm. I groaned, I didn’t want to go. I just wanted to hit the great divide. I crawled over Janet and gave her good morning squeeze while I threw on Sugar Magnolia. Val switched places with me and I sat next to James and talked about Cheyenne. He told me about the great bars and about the beautiful women. He told me about his girlfriend as I fixed my morning dose. I threw a lot of coke in which didn’t faze anyone, they all looked coked out anyway. In two seconds time I joined the fray of voices and chatted amiably along with everyone.3

I wanted to get high and so I pulled up a huge shot of heroin and it must have been too much because I didn’t even pull the needle out of my arm when I passed out. I woke up with everything out of my lap and the van shaking and rocking back and forth.. A loud moan came from the back seat and I looked over. There was a beautiful naked brunette riding James who was gritting his teeth and holding on for dear life. I laughed a little too loud and they both turned around. Shocked to death. This must have been Carolyne, James’ girl but she was so sexy. The damn girl didn’t even blink an eye she just hopped off him and crawled over to shake my hand. I introduced myself. Turning red I looked at James for an explanation. “You stopped breathing for a while and we had to give you CPR but everything ended up fine and we said we’d watch out for you while the others went out on the city to look around.” That kind of explained it all. 4

“Okay. Thanks.” I gave Carolyn a hug and looked at her track marks. All over her arms and her legs, her neck was covered with marks. It wouldn’t be long until she started to shoot in her snatch, if she didn’t already. I hopped out of the van and walked around. I heard James’ laughter from inside and the van started to rock again. We were parked on some welcoming dirt lot.  Across the street was a house with a drooping porch and kid’s bikes on the lawn. I saw Carolyn’s last name on the mailbox and figured that type of environment wasn’t very good to bring a half dead junky into especially with a bunch of scraggily, dirty kids carrying him.  I walked out down the neighborhood and saw children at play signs and well trodden bike paths through backyards, Signs of children were everywhere, one house had a tree house and one had a swimming pool with orange leaves floating like dead bodies in it. I walked out to the mainstreet and saw a plaza with a hardware store and a supermarket, there was a sporting goods store and a GAP.  So I walked over to the Shaw’s and bought a Sobe and a bag of chips.  The parking lot was packed and I sat in the self checkout line for almost ten minutes. The lights glared down at me and everyone gave me dirty looks. I was wondering why until I looked in their bathroom mirror. I was so white and my eyes were all sunken in. I looked like Gollum and my appearance really shocked me. 5

When I got back out to the parking lot I sat down and ate some sun chips. Val and the others soon walked up and gave me some big hugs. I guess they were all worried about me. “You know you died for a minute right?” Janet was biting at her nails and looked scared. 6

“I feel like crap.” 7

“Man, James had to pull over and pull that shit out of your arm and start giving you CPR, you finally started breathing again and James made Val drive. You were all shallow and raspy, but James didn’t even look too worried. Just pissed that you OD’d.” I laughed and said that I probably would have done the same thing. A friend of mine OD’d and after I got him breathing again, I just kicked him and yelled a lot about how I had other things to do and how I didn’t want to sit there and watch over him. 8

“Junkies don’t usually think like everyone else,” I said and that was the end of it all. We walked back to the van where James sat with a smug smile smoking a cigarette and sharing a joint with Carolyne. He laughed when we walked up and told me I looked like the walking dead. I grinned and gave him a slap on the back of the head. But I hugged him and muttered a thank you. 9

“Next time, tell me your going to do a scary amount of dope so I can be prepared, I didn’t notice until you were turning blue.”10

“And try not to do it while we’re driving.” Said Val. “I can’t cry and drive at the same time.”11

Everyone was really pissed at me except Carolyne and James. They thought it was all kind of funny, so did I, even though I was all shook up. I open the doors and we all brought out the blankets to get some air. We took out all the trash and washed the windows. The place looked so much better after we put all the blankets back. We drove around looking for heads to go talk to and see what the scene could give us. We found out soon enough that MOE. was playing in town and we all jumped on the bandwagon calling up numbers and stopping by people houses based on tips trying to get tickets. Everything ended up working out nicely and we got our tickets and got ready to sell our nitrous. We emptied one tank in just a few hours and the night was just settling in the show would start in four hours.12

I rolled a cigarette and watched the crowds. Somehow and in someway our car was parked a couple lanes from shakedown street and the hustle was amazing. We had made enough to go all the way to Salt Lake City with plenty of recreation on the way. But now I was here and didn’t have anything to sell, didn’t need to buy anything and still had plenty of money in my pocket. 13

Tour Kids and Bacon14

They opened with Nebraska and I danced my ass off. Everyone was all smiles and laughs, and I laughed with them, it felt good to laugh at nothing but other people’s laughter. I looked up at the stage just as they broke into Akimbo and I nearly fell over. If it wasn’t for the good friendly heads behind me I probably would have. They must have thought I was drunk as hell with all my leaping and flailing but they were real forgiving. The love I felt at this show was huge, like a balloon filling up, stretching, swelling, filling with so much pressure and energy that it just explodes and everyone’s love is dispersed and different people breathe it in. Breathe in deeply because no matter who you are you are loved. There’s obvious exceptions to the rule, but this show felt real. It felt like I was loved just because I was there. And if it needed to be proved a beautiful girl of about twenty with long dark curls and a long skirt jumped up and hugged me, her voice barely audible even though they were pressed against my ears whispered “I’m glad you’re here.” This made me break into uncontrollable gales of laughter and I was truly there, finally, I was there. I squeezed her tight against my chest and kissed her forehead. She just smiled at me and I ran off hugging people who looked at me funny and telling them I was glad they were there. This became my slogan for about ten months and I guess it started to pick up. And not at shows either, people hugged me in the street in random cities. 15

You can usually pick out tour kids where ever you go, they have this sleek panther walk, a cool rhythmic dance, that allows them to meander through crowds without touching anyone. No slipups or tripping arms swinging perfectly in synch with the beat of the earth. These kids are everywhere and come into your life when you least expect them. When everything is blurry with anguish and deception floats around your head. Some tour kid will show up for no reason and give you a hug. The show ended we drove to Carolyne’s  house. James was fidgety all night while with her and he pulled me aside at one point and asked me if he could come with us. 16

“I thought I wanted to be with her, but, now I met you and the kids and I guess the only way I can be happy is by looking for something within me. She can’t make me happy….and well, feel I pull to the thing your doing. I guess it’s  also to you guys but I feel like I have to play a part in this. Almost like it’s bigger than me.” I gave him a big hug and told him he’s needed more than he knows.17

After a tear-filled goodbye from Carolyne we all piled into the van later that night and took off again. I was so happy that James decided to stay with us. I don’t think the trip would have been the same without him. He tried to explain it to Carolyn in hushed tones while we all looked at our feet. “I can’t really explain it. But I gotta go babe. I kinda need Joel. I really think he needs me too. Soul mates aren’t all lovers.” She said she didn’t understand but would let him go. She asked Val to look after him and make sure he didn’t do anything too stupid. I told her thank you and climbed into the van. I watched her all the way down the street looking at us, her hair flying in the wind and her arms hugging herself. When we made that final turn to go upon our way I caught her at a last glance, looking down.18

We crept across Wyoming enjoying the great divide and when we entered Utah we stopped off at the Flaming Gorge where we set up camp.  Coyotes sang us lullabies and I fell asleep almost immediately wrapped up in Val’s arms breathing in her scent like it was fresh air after being underwater for days. 19

I woke up to bacon frying and voices, the pink dawn had just awoken and was inhaling the leftover stars that straggled across the sky. The moon was still up, a huge waning crescent looking down at me and saying gently, “Joel just roll over it’s not quite time yet.”20

“Hey! Good Morning!” Val exclaimed with a huge grin, “Everyone is fat and happy so it looks as if were all ready to go. Is your head still groggy from lasts night’s show?”21

“My body aches so terribly.” I moaned. “I need more sleep with sweet lady ground”22

“Not gonna happen buddy.” Spoke James as he threw me a shirt and John handed me a fried egg sandwich.23

My knees creaked as I rose up to my feet. And I groaned as by back bitched me out for waking it up. Everyone laughed at my disgusted look. “I’m only twenty.” I moaned  24

“Yeah.” Croaked Janet “Imagine touring for twenty more years.” 25

“Kill me now. But I think I can deal with this fried egg sandwich. I love sleeping on desert ground. It’s the best sleep I’ve ever had.”  I took a big bite. “The best egg sandwich I’ve ever had.”26

“With bacon.” James spoke up. “I bought it yesterday I thought I’d surprise everyone, umm………surprise.”  We stared at him with grins ready to split our faces open. James just looked at his feet.27

“So much better than bagels and apples.” I mumbled through yoke. “mmmmmmmm pure cholesterol.”28

James started to walk to the van. “Which brings me to my next surprise…..TaDa!” Opening the cooler we saw our chest held a treasure of insurmountable riches. Peanutbutter, bananas, and bags of rice also some butter. I was at a loss for words. Piling into the van we roared off. Away from the sunrise and towards the pale sky and open desert. Salt Lake City lay ahead of us, waiting, wanting to see what would happen next. I drove until I started to nod off-about four hours later. Then John took over. As soon as he did my swampy head cleared and the spiderwebs were torn free. I always need at least fifteen minutes of rest before I can drive again. 29

“A one on one with a cute dready chick should wake you up.” Sang Janet. “Yeah.” I growled but I don’t seem to see any cute girls in this van.”30

“Ooooh I see your feeling a bit bitter are you? Val knew I was kidding and wasn’t fazed.  “You wouldn’t know a cut girl if she bit your dick.”  John had never drivin before and he loved it. Randomly beeping the horn and swerving on lone desert highway was just the thing we needed this morning.31

James stuck his head up front and began to tell us about how he almost died driving with a Hitchiker. 32

“Man I was so loaded,” he began, I loved the way he talked, growing up on the Eastside we shared the same lingo. And I was swerving everywhichway, I was in the middle of Texas Ya’ see, and drunk driving is very frowned upon. Very frowned upon. I had two hits of those UFO’s that were concocted up in Mass if you remember. And I had just eaten them when I saw this straggly guy with a backpack hiking to the road from the desert he was too far away from the road to be hitchhiking and I normally never pick them up. Cause I’m all selfish an all. But anyway He started running to me when I stopped with this dumb little smile on his face. His name was Barney or Bernie or something. He had a tattoo of a care bear or something no wait it was a Gummybear. “I love the gummy bears!”  Shouted Val from the back. Then we all broke into the song. James was thunderstruck apparently he’d never seen the show.33

“Well, um, yeah.”  He muttered when the song was done.34

“Anyway he told me his name was PharmieBarnie on the road and he kept feeding me Benzos.” He snorted laughter in to his fist. “So about a half hour later I started to trip, plus fell asleep, at the wheel. Then I saw these flashing red lights and He panicked and handed me all his pharmies saying that if I could get by the cops I could keep them. Long story short I freaked out and crashed into the line of cops making a road block with a mandatory breathalyzer check. They chased me all the way to Dallas until I got out and ran into the projects. Poor Barny was so benzoed out he never had a chance. But they chased me on foot and I actually ran into a house to get away. It worked man!! It fuckin worked.  Get this, I walk right into a fuckin bender party man. It was wild man, fuckin Wild. So I say something dumb like “hey guys I’m sorry to interrupt your little shindig.  But I’m evading officers of the Tezas law. So the owner steps up and says something like he hates cops. His brother is one and he fucked his wife or girlfriend or something. The cops don’t even check the house. He just answers the knock and says, “sorry Gus nobody here but some friends.” 35

I Laughed and asked how he got away. “That” he said Is the best part. I sold some benzoes for a hundred bucks and a ride to the airport. Caught a flight to Oregon and reported the car stolen.”36

Then John said slowly without taking his eyes off the road, “If Barney was smart he woulda just told the truth and they would of let him go."”    “Poor stoned bastard.” We felt bad about it, who wouldn’t but it was a funny story and we all laughed.37

“Mormanville,” called John and he was right, we had just pulled off of route 80 and the city loomed over us. I shuddered. “Did anyone else just get a spinetingle?” Asked Val from the back. Nervous grins were passed around and hands were raised. “Weird.” The word seemed to explain all. And silence took over our souls as John put the car into neutral and let us roll down the hill into the heart of the city.38

The Salt Lake Tales, Fucked up Monstosities occure. And the heart of the beginning is at stake. The jorney Begins.39

Of all the people I’ve met on the road Charlie and Beth are by far a couple of my favorite. I want to bring a little bit of them into my old age. Charlie was a huge man with a booming voice that only he was intimidated of, and horribly embarrassed of. So, he always spoke in loud whispers but when you got him laughing, bells would ring in your head. He could never stop once he’d started, legs stomping and hands clapping he would roll in his chair and shout obscenities, that were so strange that they’d get him laughing all over again. For a week straight there wasn’t a day my stomach didn’t cramp up or my eyes didn’t well up with tears. And years from now I know I will stay hear him screaming “Oh my God, lobsters Fucked my sister, that was funny.” And I will still get a great laugh out of it. He took to John and Val instantly, throwing his arms around their shoulders and invited us to his home He loved James because they were both pickpockets. I guess we can all smell our own. His wife, Beth, a woman of immense madness like himself rushed about like a fly, flitting back and forth. Starting one thing and finishing another. In less than an hour after Charlie explained how James had tried to pick his Pocket she had dinner for us. Potatoes, roasted chicken and corn on the cob and carrots. All with infinite glasses of apple cider. Charlie was mad. He had somehow gotten a grant of some kind to write a paper and do research of the socio-economic background of Junkies and how it affects the way they travel. I don’t know how he did it but like I said I suppose we can all smell our own. He was a professor at Utah State and sent students to teach his classes. So he was free to study students who wished to travel. He was looking for the ultimate tragic Journeyman, the one who made plans to go places but screwed himself over in ways that seemed unplausible.40

“I’m not looking for your average sob story but yet,  more or less a Shakespearean tragedy wherein everybody dies in strange unusual twists of fate. No car crashes or OD’s but weird shit like slipping on soap in the shower. Nothing dramatic.” I told him about this girl I remembered from grade school who did a math project involving a survey of how many people slip in the shower. He roared, the first time that night our plates clattered and chairs shook as he slapped his hands on the table. After dinner James and Janet helped Beth Clear the table while John and Val washed dishes. I put dry dishes away and talked to Charlie. He made feel like I needed to be honest with him. Like I couldn’t help it. We need more people like him. There would be a whole lot less to worry about in the world. I told him what I was doing on the road. I held nothing back. He heard my quest and stopped smiling abruptly, I noticed all eyes were on me. And all mouths were tight lipped. “I thought this was about tour.” Janet spoke first, quietly almost timidly. Like she felt like it wasn’t a part of her universe. Of course it was….but I just didn’t ever really feel I needed to explain to anyone. Until Charlie that is. “It is.” I began “ It is, but I want to make sure people….you know will be alright. You know, good to each other.” The Kitchen was quiet after that except for dishes softly clanging in the sink being muffled by the water. I asked Charlie where James and I could fix. He led us to his study and locked the door. “The only room with a lock.” He told us. We had meager supplies but felt that we had an obligation to turn Charlie on. But he declined our offer. Instead he reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a baby food jar and tipped some of its brown contents into our cookers. Then the three of us fixed.41

“Why are you a junky?” Asked James. He always asked people why they did dope. I think he couldn’t understand how someone could do it and not hate themselves. “The same reason you guys do it.” Charlie responded poking his arm in search of veins. I untied my arms and heat seemed to rush through every cell and moleculare make. “For the cheesey romantic reasons….sorrow and dispair.”  I laughed and nodded. “Your good people Charlie.” James smiled not really getting it. Except in the dark recesses of his mind that he simply wasn’t aquainted with yet. 42

I glanced around in amusment, Charlie’s study consisted of all wood, shelves,desk wall panaling bar and a wood bar sat in the corner. A pool table stood centered in the room. I could just see him sitting at his desk and looking over his reading glasses at the sheriff of Maycomb county saying “Ayep, Boo Radley is a mighty fine fella.” Then fingering a pair of suspenders as he leaned back in his chair. 43

“This place is so TV lawyer drama.” I said. He fell back into his chair shaking with laughter. “Ayep.” He said putting on a pair of reading glasses. Man, this guy didn’t miss a beat. 44

“I was so embarrassed. I didn’t realize it until my wife told me the same thing. That’s why I got this leather chair it looks all futeristic like. But then thought what the hell I might as well go all the way, so I went out and bought that.”  He was pointing at a ship in a bottle laying on his bookshelf. “Soon you’ll see me with a pipe in my mouth.” I laughed deep and rich, from the depth of my stomach. I knew that laugh would come to me in random points of my life. For no reason and it will always assure me everything will be alright.45