Curiousity

1

Depression – a pathological state of extreme dejection or melancholy, characterized by a mood of hopelessness and feelings of inadequacy, often with physical symptoms.2

The dictionary explained it so simply compared to what it really was. Kara couldn’t work it out herself, she was the sort of girl that witnessed it everyday and yet she could never seem to help her friends. She often thought about the physical symptoms…staring down at her pale wrists, but the truth was, although she could take it herself, she couldn’t take the looks, she couldn’t take the concerns of her friends and caring family.3

She lay on her bed, staring into space in deep thought. Her hands wrapped around her podgy stomach, her ginger hair draped across the pillows either side her cubby face, her lips pursed together, her eyes at the ceiling, purple bags below, deprived from sleep the last few nights, wondering what to do.4

She was selfless mostly, more worried about others than herself, and yet everything led back to her, how she felt, how she wanted things, she couldn’t help it. After several minutes she sat up, reaching into the draw, another stash of chocolate biscuits, something to her help her through the stress. It was her way, others drew blood, some poured tears, but she ate until she felt full inside herself, and although she knew she wouldn’t be able to manage her mother’s meal that night, it didn’t matter, she needed the energy to smile, and she needed it at that moment.5

She bit through the biscuit, a creamy sensation released and her worries faded for a second, the distraction taking her mind off things. But as soon as it was swallowed, the taste had left, she longed for more, and within ten minutes she was through a whole packet, moving onto the next. Btu she couldn’t as she begun to unwrap the second pack, she felt her stomach bulging, her school skirt now tight, and so stopped, falling back quickly in anger at herself.6

‘Stop!’ she protested.7

But she couldn’t the drawer open, the remains of the taste in her mouth, it seemed to make everything better. She reached for the packet, but couldn’t, standing in anger, slamming the drawer closed, kicking the cushion on the floor, again and again, a tear falling down one cheek. It seemed to have been too much recently, and as she sat at the computer, looking at her emails, she felt the urge to cut, distracting herself she read another email, another meaningless forward. She hissed at herself, what was going on inside her head? The anger was taking over, and she found herself walking down the stairs, I’ll phone Beth, she thought to herself, then she remembered, Beth had gone out that evening….8

She charged through to the kitchen, turning on Nickleback loudly, the anger in Chad Kroeger’s voice almost calming her. She pulled down the door to the dish washer. She began to stack the dishes, knowing it would keep her parents off her back that evening. But as she did so, she came across a knife, the length of her forearm almost. The blade crossed her fingers lightly, a sensation she had never felt before. She pondered, how hard would she have to push for the skin to tear, she did again, harder, but nothing happened, no blood appeared….9

‘Hi Kara, I’m home.’ Her father called, stepping through the door, as she did it a third time harder.10

This time, blood seeped through, she watched with staring eyes, and as her Dad approached, she grabbed a tissue, smiling as she held the tissue tightly. He hugged her lightly.11

‘How was your day?’ he asked, turning, reaching for a drink.12

‘Yeah, it was good,’ she lied, ‘how was yours?’13

‘Stressful but ok thank you,’ he said, a slight smile on his face as he turned.14

‘Err, I should go get changed…’ she mumbled, walking past him and up the stairs quickly.15

As she reached her room, she closed the door quietly behind her, looking down at the cut, it had left the tissue, soaked through, the red liquid running down the wrinkles on her hand. She stared, it wasn’t painful so much, as interesting… She began to remove the tissue slowly, blood sticking, she inhaled, wiping it quickly.16

‘Honey?’ her father called from down the stairs.17

She hesitated, turning.18

‘Yes dad.’19

‘Come here a minute please,’ her father said, seeming distracted.20

She grabbed her gloves, slipping them over her cut, and then strolled down the stairs.21

‘Have you been clearing the dish washer?’ he asked.22

And then she remembered, \the knife\, she has left it on the side, totally forgotten about it.23

‘Yeah dad, why?’24

‘Oh just wondered, thank you.’ He murmured, walking over and hugging her.25

Over his shoulder, she saw, the knife in the corner of the room, she hugged him back, and then straight after, edged over towards it.26

‘I’ll finish it off, don’t worry.’27

‘Thanks.’ She said, grabbing the knife, holding it behind her back.28

She staggered back to the door, hoping to be able to escape and hide it.29

‘Get any grades back today?’ he asked, looking up as she reached the door.30

She turned, hiding the knife, ‘no dad.’31

He looked back down, and she jogged away, up the stairs and too her room, placing it in a box she kept beneath her bed. 32