Fear is Yin and Hope is Yang

Duc De La Rochefoucauld François once wrote, “We promise in proportion to our hopes, and we deliver in proportion to our fears”1

It could be a beautiful irresponsible sunny day where everything seems completely perfect or an inherently cruel day with clouds rolling over the sun and tears falling from above.  In any case it does not matter.  Whatever the day or the colorings of its mood I still have a yin and yang of fear and hope in my head, toying back and forth with one another. 2

A writer, a fashion designer, an artist, a mother. The list goes on and on. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” they ask. My response is on my list.  My hopes exceeded to the most lavish of affairs to the most sincere human desires that are so humble and so close any one can say they can get there.  In my lifetime I wish to write a book or at least a novella, fly to London, have my own label in the fashion world, make a self-portrait that at any time in my life I can see the true me, have a first meaningful kiss, watch every episode of Gilmore Girls, hold a baby in my arms while saying your all mine, get more then one tattoo, make a wall in my room decide to writers, artist, musicians, and whoever else can inspire me. This is just a broken chip of the list of my hopes. 3

I guess I might sound morbid or doubtful but I always fear that none of my hopes can come true. The yin to the yang is that everything I wish to happen to me wont.  Through out the day I go into my backyard and sit on a swing. I stare off into the trees watching the birds fluttering their wings allowing me to see every blue feather or the leaves dying yet hanging onto a branch of the trees that are homes to squirrels chasing after one another. In a moment like this my mind can drift away and search for questions lurking in the back of my head.  In that moment the question of “Can I meet my dreams in the stars? Will I be able to get up there?”  pop out and wait for my answer.  I usually snap out of that state and wish for the question to fade but it wont. It still lays in my mind painted brightly like a heart on fire.  4

I guess that we all have hopes but the doubt is still sitting there. A heart on fire. My problem I suppose is that I read to much in to it or express my fears to the point that I should be slapped across the face while someone yells “Enough already!!” My hopes are still on that list and still might come true. I have to believe that in every yin is a little yang and in every yang is a little yin.  I have to hope to have fear so I’ll have fear to have hope.5