Eighteen Candles (pt32)

Road map1

here's the plan:2

Zale will get a job-3

one that pays well.4

we find a tutor who5

will be willing to teach me6

at home.7

we'll rent an apartment8

or a condo until we can afford9

our own place.10

that's all we have so far.11

It's a rough draft so we'll12

be editing  our road map 13

along the way.14

***15

Miss you16

Nicole tapes17

the last of the 18

boxes scattered19

around my room.20

Finished, she dives 21

onto my bed22

hugging a fluffy23

pillow to her chest24

'I'm gonna miss you.'25

she tells me, a fact I've already26

known for a long time.27

I lay next to her28

linking arms29

'I'm gonna miss you.' I say30

she's going to31

New York32

to be a graphic artist33

I'm going to34

Amelia Island35

to be a concert pianist36

the distance is so far37

'We'll write.' I say to dampen the sadness38

washing over me.39

'And you'll keep me up40

to date about the baby?'41

I smile.42

'Of course.'43

and we say nothing else.44

our thoughts speak out loud.45

***46

telling him how I felt47

was the hardest thing to do48

tired49

of50

waiting51

patiently52

like53

mom 54

said55

I 56

should57

I pick58

up59

the 60

phone61

and call dad.62

I brace myself63

as if I'm on a64

roller coaster ride65

preparing for the dip66

'Hello?'67

my heart jumps68

out of my chest before I 69

start ranting mad70

like I've lost my mind71

'I hate you dad!!! I hate you! How dare you72

not call me! I've been trying to make things73

right and you refuse to talk to me. I will not stand for74

it any more! And don't you dare hang up on me, or so help me God I will kill you!75

You are going to listen to what I've got to say-' pausing to breathe76

'I'm sorry I didn't tell you dad. I'm sorry. I was scared okay?77

I'm sorry for screwing up! And I'm sorry for every damn78

thing I did to hurt you! I'm sorry. But you hurt me too. Always out79

late. Preaching to people or at some stupid meeting when you could have80

been home with me. You were never there for me when81

I need you most. You choose God over me and that's not fair.82

You choose..people you barely knew over me. I should83

have been first before anybody else. If God requires for84

you to put him first, then fine! As long as I get to be second-first.85

And I hate you for that! But I love you because your dad and you'll86

always be my dad. And I want you to forgive me and I want you87

to be the grandfather for my child. I need you to forgive me. I need88

to know that you still love me.'89

gasping for breathe90

the tears fall 91

and I promised myself92

I would not93

cry.94

I hear him sigh.95

'Denzel,' he says quietly96

'I-'97

cutting him off before he can say98

what he feels99

'I have to go dad.' and I hang up.100

Truth is it hurt too much101

to hear his voice. I didn't expect him102

to answer me.103

I'd rather be sober then emotional104

when he talks to me.105

***106

Preparing107

running left and right108

doing this109

doing that110

seeing him111

seeing her112

signing papers113

making calls114

being busy takes115

my mind off the116

phone call with dad.117

Zale's been hastily118

packing his possessions119

between talking to some guy120

he knows in Florida121

who can get us a condo122

to rent.123

mom hugs me constantly124

kissing me, sometimes crying.125

'I can't believe your leaving. I've missed126

out on so much.'127

I feel bad.128

summers129

holidays130

I could have spent with her.131

There's plenty of time now.132

Though I'm leaving133

we can still fill in those empty134

squares.135

'Mom you'll visit right?'136

'Of course,' she says137

'I'll write you twice every month.'138

I hug her, doing my best to139

comfort her.140

***141

Bells142

Zale stayed over143

too exhausted144

to drive home.145

Mom ordered146

Lang Lee's147

instead of cooking.148

I had a craving for fried rice.149

she requested the status of our moving 150

plans. we couldn't tell much151

since variables were still being considered.152

noodles dangling from her fork153

she asked,154

'Well I hope Zale155

has contacted a justice of pace156

since he's taken care of your157

living arrangements.'158

I gape in horror.159

why must mother's be so160

humiliating?161

'Mom!'162

Mom smiles at me innocently.163

'What? I'm just saying-' 164

narrowing her eyes at Zale, then winking165

'I need to know if I'll be hearing bells chiming.'166

Zale pretends to hear167

none of this, engrossed in168

some commercial for an Old Navy169

half price off sale.170

I smack his shoulder.171

'What?' he says just as innocent as mom's smile.172

I roll my eyes.173

He glances at mom174

who 'Ahems' and nods for him to175

get on with it.176

'Jesus, this is so embarrassing.' He says to the ceiling.177

I laugh.178

sighing,' Fine. Denzel will you marry me?'179

I try not to explode180

face straight181

words steady.182

Mom interrupts me183

before I can answer184

'Honey, your supposed to look185

into her eyes when you ask her.'186

'Mom!'187

'What?'188

Zale looks completely mortified.189

he turns190

trying to pose serious191

'Denzel will you marry me?'192

'Yes,' I snort, laughing193

'Yeah I'll marry you.'194

'Great.'  He leans over to kiss me195

but I push him back.196

'Not in front of mommy.'197

'Mommy?' He smirks198

'Shut up Zale.'199

He kisses me anyway and mom200

chuckles.201

'Shall we make a toast?' 202