"You've killed yourself..."1
"I know."2
"Why? Why would you-I-I-you hurt me!? I love you and you're dead! You know I would have done anything. ANYTHING to help!"3
"You don't understand. If I didn't then-"4
"-I don't understand! How could I not understand!? You're gone, Blake! I'll never know you again, never see you grow up, never...never anything..."5
"Vanessa, you need to understand why I did this. I didn't do it because I"m sad or lonely or any of that. I did it because I'm afraid."6
"What are you afraid of? What could scare you so much to do this to me? I love you more than anything, you could be there for me, you could listen...you were my BROTHER!"7
"I need you to listen. Please just listen. I'll tell you everything and more, if you'll only let me explain what's been happening to me."8
"This had better be good..."9
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Hmmmm
Well, I'm rather confused, but I'm gonna read the rest.
And don't you dare talk about ME having short stories.
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very very really interesting!!! i cant wait to know why he did it, im SO curious now, omg not cool!
nice suspenseful write though!!
byz
~Tainted -
I think for this to be believable you need to explain the conversation...why she talks to a dead man...or how even. The dialogue is pretty good, albeit short, and the pain shows through fairly well. I think expanding the story would certainly benefit it.
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I like this pretty well, bro, and you really hook the attention by saying "You've killed yourself..."
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Yeah you guys are right. No more parenthesis, thanks for the advice.
-blake
Edited on Feb 20, 12:57 because ''. -
interesting style... just dialogue and parenthesis...
i found the parenthetical expressions distracting though, hearing each line and then being told how it was said, what was going on... it made it seem almost forced and unrealistic. maybe if there was a way 2 more subtely tell us what's going on, let the dialogue speak for itself... it think often we could figure it out without them.
hav u considered writing a play? this really reminds me of one, with the dialogue and stage directions kind of.
anyway, the idea of him killing himself out of fear is really intriguing and unique... i want 2 hear more of the story 2!
anyway, best of luck on ur novel!!! (iv been working on mine for 5 or 6 years now! and it still sucks...) -
very great opener, it really draws my attention. i'm currently workin on somethin of my own through a contest series... great write and good luck!
LP&CG
Liz
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This would make a very good opener in a novel, but I wopuldn't put stuff in parenthesis unless you are just adding information. I'm trying to write a novel myself.
Anyway, make you a deal? You read my short stories, and you will earn my forever readership. (Actually, you would have had it anyway, but I like comments on my short stories)
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