It is one o’clock in the afternoon. I am trying to convert an old woman to AT&T over a ham and cheese sandwich. I hear the background music of Bob’s lesbian porn playing through the cubicle wall as I drag a queen of spades over a jack of hearts.1
“Oh now I think it’s so nice that you’re going to take care of the puppies,� says the woman, “Why, I used to have a golden retriever when I was little and I just loved i--�2
“Ma’am,� I say through a bite of my sandwich, “AT&T can offer you free weekends on all calls to the US and Ca--�3
“–t so! And it used to bring in the newspaper and fetch sticks. Oh, but then it got run over by a car. That was quite sad, yes.�4
“–nada. Which, is much better than Sprint MCI.�5
“Oh, is it better than AT&T, honey? Because that’s what I use, you see� she says.6
“We are AT&T, ma’am,� I reply. I watch as the cards burst all over the screen, and restart my game.7
“Oh, well, you people do quite a good job with my phone bills. You see, Sprint MCI--�8
“Yes, I know all about Sprint MCI, ma’am.�9
“Oh, good, well then you’d know that they’re a very reliable service. I use them, you know.�10
“I thought you used AT&T?�11
“Would you like some cookies?�12
“Have a good day ma’am, and thank you for choosing AT&T.�13
“Oh is that what I use? Well you people are quite the wonderful service! Drop by for Christmas sometime! My address is 207 Spickard Street in Alb--�14
I hang up the phone.15
“Another crazy one?� asks Bob from beyond the wall. “Holy shit dude! Come over here and look at the size of this one’s tits! They’re fucking huge!�16
“Jesus Bob, you’re at work, why don’t you shut that thing up and make some calls.�17
“I did, man, don’t be so uptight!� replies Bob, “And I have a date tonight with some chick named Brenda. Pretty sweet, huh? I heard the porn in the background. Dude, I bet it was lesbo porn too!�18
“In that case, it’s probably some transvestite with a dick the size of a telephone pole.�19
“Don’t care, man, don’t care. Try to rain on my parade all you want. If this chick turns out to be a dude, I’ll just do him up the ass.�20
I wrinkle my nose.21
“Jesus, you’re fucked up.�22
“Hey, do you mind giving the Jesus bit a break?� calls Lizzie from over another wall. “It’s a sin to swear on God’s name.�23
“Well Jesus, Lizzie, maybe I don’t fucking believe in Jesus fucking Christ,� I say.24
“Well then, I’ll be sorry for your soul when you go to hell,� she replies.25
“Jesus fuck, Lizzie, maybe I’m Hindu, and maybe I’ll be the one sorry for your soul when you get reincarnated as a snail,� I say. I pause for a moment before popping my head over to her side of the cubicle, “But really, Lizzie. Really fucking Jesus, Lizzie. We’re all going to die and get pumped full of formaldehyde and have slugs crawl through our empty eye sockets.�26
“Ergh! You’re gross! Get out of my side of the office!� she squeals. I shrug and comply.27
“I’m messed up?� chuckles Bob. “You’re messed up.�28
“No, Bob. I just have a degree in religion,� I sigh.29
“I’ll never get why you’re here, man. Go be a priest! Doesn’t matter if you’re not Catholic,� laughs Bob. The lesbians in his monitor moan. “Besides, they’ll give you bread! Sure, it’s a little bit on the flat side, but that’s not really the point. The point is that it’s free food.�30
I chortle. “Can’t. I’m against cannibalism.�31
“Well, there’s always the altar bo--�32
“Oh my God!� screams Lizzie. She jumps up from her chair and flattens herself against the cubicle wall. “Oh my fucking God!�33
I jump up too knowing that Lizzie would never swear in God’s name unless if something was wrong. I see the windows coated in a thick layer of blood. I sit back down immediately and throw up my sandwich.34
“Jesus!� I cry, my face in the trash can. “Holy fucking Jesus!�35
“Someone call 911!� screams Bob. “Who has a phone? Who has a phone?�36
“We’re in a fucking phone company, you dumbass! You fucking call 911!� someone screams.37
The room is too stuffy. I get up and run to the nearest exit, pushing against the panic of the room. For once I am glad that I am at the bottom of the corporate ladder. At least there aren’t any stairs. I fling open the door and step into a gathering crowd. The current pushes me forward.38
“A doctor!� someone is screaming. “Someone get a doctor!�39
“Who is it?� someone else asks. “Who is it?�40
I stumble into the forefront, and nearly throw up again. A man was on the ground, half his head smashed into the pavement.41
“Oh my God,� I whisper. “Oh my God.�42
Suddenly I scream, “It’s God! Oh my Jesus fucking Christ! It’s God!�43
Everyone becomes silent. Then the crowd burst into chatter.44
“I thought he looked familiar,� said one woman.45
“Wait, is it the Father, Son, or the Holy Ghost?� asks another, “Or is it all three?�46
“Someone check for identification!�47
“It is God! I might be an atheist, but even atheists can recognize God!� sobbed one man.48
“I’m so sorry I never believed in you,� cried a teen.49
A young man stumbles to the corpse, tears streaming down his face, “Don’t worry man, I’ll take care of Jesus and Mary for you.�50
His friend runs to his side, pulling at his arm, “Steve! Steve! Come on! You’re making a scene!�51
“Don’t worry, Yahweh!� screams Steve. “We’re homies, right? I’ve gone to church every week for my entire fucking life! I’ll take care of your kids and wife for you!�52
“Dammit, Steve! You’ve never been to church!� shouts his friend.53
“I get it, man! You just want to be Jesus’ rightful guardian, don’t you?� accuses Steve. “You just want to be the father of Christ! Well I’m not going to let you! Jesus is going to be my lawful son!�54
“Jesus, Steve! You’re tripping on fucking acid!� screams his friend.55
“So what are we going to do now?� shouts one man. “Christianity is dead!�56
A police officer cuts through the crowd. “Excuse me, everyone, but you’re all going to have to go home. There’s nothing to see here.�57
“What the hell do you mean there’s nothing to see here?� screams one woman. “God just died!�58
“Now, now everyone, give the man some respect. Let’s all just step back and go on with our lives.� replies the policeman.59
“I can’t just do that! I’ve lived my life believing in God for the past fifty fucking years! I teach at a Sunday school at church! I live and breathe the Lord!� screeched a man. “What am I supposed to do now?�60
“Convert to Buddhism!� shouted a voice, heavily weighted with a Chinese accent. “At least Buddha alive!�61
An agreeable mumble moves over the crowd.62
“You dumb fuck,� I shout back, “Buddha isn’t alive. He’s ceased to exist.�63
Another flurry of mumbling.64
“What you know, white boy,� shouts the Chinese man. “Don’t tell my peoples what believe in! Who you think you are, huh?�65
“I think I have a degree in religion,� I retort.66
“Well you know Buddha give free beer Saturdays, white boy?� shouts the Chinese man.67
“Fuck yeah, that’s the religion for me!� shouts a young man from the back.68
“No! Convert to Hinduism! We give beers and blow jobs! Everyday!� advertises someone else.69
“Hells yeah!� came a whoop.70
“What about women?� shouted a woman.71
“Vibrators! All around!� replied the Indian man. The woman seem satisfied.72
“What’s wrong with all of you?� I scream. “God just fucking died!�73
“Well we’ve all got to move on somehow don’t we?� shouts someone.74
Disgusted, I stumble out of the crowd. I head toward a bar across the street. The bar is almost empty since it’s only two o’clock in the afternoon, but, in New York, bars are always open. There are always depressed businessmen looking to numb themselves up over lunch hour.75
“You’re here awfully early,� greets the bartender. “Called in sick today?�76
“No, but I think I have the rest of the day off anyway,� I reply.77
“Well then, you should celebrate!� says the man. “With an expensive drink!�78
“Yeah, yeah, just a Cosmopolitan for me,� I mumble. The bartender gives me a rueful look and goes to make my drink.79
“Good job not falling for the hook,� says the man next to me.80
“Yeah, well I don’t have much money to begin with.�81
“Bad day?� he asks me as he takes a sip of his drink.82
“Yeah, sort of,� I reply.83
“Me too.�84
“You a Christian?� I get my drink.85
He snorts into his drink. “Sort of.�86
“Well, sorry about your God.�87
“It’s not half as bad as losing your dad.�88
He catches me mid-sip and I choke on the alcohol. He pats me on the back.89
“Thanks,� I say. “And sorry about your dad.�90
There is an awkward pause.91
“...Jesus,� I say timidly.92
He looks at me. I notice his shabby beard and long hair for the first time.93
“So,� I begin, “why’d He do it?�94
“I told Him not to when He told me about it,� Jesus said. He closes his eyes, “But He wanted to, and I couldn’t change His mind.�95
He takes a sip of his drink.96
“Dad was always so fucking stubborn,� continued Jesus. “He never forgave Himself for 9/11, you know. He just got so depressed knowing people were dying because of Him.�97
“Sounds like He needed a shrink.�98
“I tried referring Him to one, but He said that He just couldn’t do it,� Jesus sniffled. “He said that every time He tried to open up to her, He’d remember all of the men she had sex with or how she once stuck a cat into the microwave, and it’d just be too much.�99
He pauses.100
“He sees everything, you know.�101
“So I’ve heard.�102
“Anyway, He just decided one day that if He died, there wouldn’t be anymore wars over Him.�103
“Well shit, that was stupid.�104
“I tried to tell Him that he couldn’t trust humans if He died.�105
“What, he thought we could take on this hell hole alone?�106
“He said that He should trust the goodness of his creations.�107
“Like fuck he should.�108
“He said that if anything went wrong, He entrusts the salvation of everyone to me,� sobs Jesus.109
“Well, didn’t you do it once?�110
“Who the fuck is going to resurrect me this time after I’m crucified? Who’s going to replace me when I die?� screams Jesus, thoroughly hysterical. “I’m too young to die!�111
“Well, why don’t you just buy yourself a ten-cent whore and get yourself a son? Then you can tell him to die for the salvation of everyone,� I suggest.112
“Are you crazy? Mom would kill me!�113
“Dude, you’re Jesus fucking Christ!�114
“She’s the Virgin Mary!�115
“You’re a fucking baby!� I shout. “I can’t believe that billions of people all over the world worship you!�116
“It’s not my fault that my dad got me the job! I wanted to be an interpretive dancer!�117
“Are you fucking gay?�118
Jesus is silent.119
“Look man, I’m sorry I said that,� I say, shifting uncomfortably in my chair. “I don’t have anything against gay people, okay. It’s fine with me if you’re gay. Fuck, you make the rules, right? If God’s son is gay, than homosexuality isn’t a sin! Everyone everywhere will rejoice! No more gay people will die! It will be a sin to kill a gay person!�120
“I’m a failure!� cries Jesus. “I can’t succeed dad! I suck! In more ways than one!�121
“Hey, hey now,� I say, patting his back. “Who saved all of humanity two thousand years ago, huh? Who?�122
“I did,� came the muffled response.123
“And who stood up to Satan when you didn’t have any food or water?�124
“I did.� came the teary reply.125
“And who was brave enough to be crucified by all of those big, bad Romans?�126
“I was,� came a sniffle.127
“See! You’re not a failure! You rule! The Kingdom of Heaven, even! That’s got to take credentials!�128
“Yeah...yeah I do, don’t I?�129
I drink in silence for a while as Jesus collects himself. He blows his nose on a few of the napkins and finishes his own drink.130
“So...what are you going to do?�131
“I hear that Cats is quite entertaining. I thought that I’d go see that.�132
“What? What about the world? What about salvation?� I ask.133
“What about it?� he replies. He swivels his chair so that he’s looking out the window. “I mean, look at it.�134
I turn and look. People are sprawled everywhere. Some of them are crying and begging on their knees. Others are beating enemies with their fists. People everywhere were looting and stealing. One child gets her teddy bear cut into shreds with a jack knife.135
“Precisely!� I exclaim, furious. “Look at it!�136
“It’s beyond help,� he says. “No one would believe me even if I tried.�137
A man runs by the bar in bed sheets and hiking boots and screams, “I am Jesus! I am the Savior!� He gets punched in the gut by a gangster.138
“Why don’t you do some miracles?� I suggest. “That always sits well with the masses. I know! Turn water to wine! You’ll have a following in no time!�139
“Look man, that’s just a party trick I picked up at a bar in Jerusalem,� Jesus says, rubbing his temples. “Fuck, every time I meet someone, they want to see that trick. It’s so annoying!�140
“Are all of your miracles tricks?� I ask.141
“Oh no, the bringing back the dead and healing the sick part is real. Dad taught me how to do that.�142
“Then why don’t you go and heal yourself some sick people?�143
“Dude, I just want to see Cats and drink some lemon-flavored gin, okay,� said Jesus defensively. “I’m just a kid, okay? I can’t be God. I’m not old enough! Besides, at school they said that you have to give humans a few years to destroy themselves before prancing in and being a savior. It makes you look better. Plus, fewer humans to convert.�144
“You learned this in school?� I sputter.145
“Yeah, God training,� says Jesus, finishing off his drink. “In case something happens to dad.�146
“And God told you to just let people suffer?�147
“Look, it happens all the time. Feed the soldiers, not the people. Give to the rich, not to the poor. Tax cuts for Bill Gates, none for Joe Schmoe.�148
“You’re supposed to be good! You’re supposed to be divine!� I scream.149
“No, you’re supposed to be good. Dad was just there to look after you guys.�150
“What are you talking about?� I shout, “Humans are terrible! Just look outside!�151
“So it’s our fault whenever you cock up?�152
“No,� I reply, “It’s our fault whenever we mess up, but you punish the bad ones and reward the good ones.�153
“But it’s our fault when more people do bad things because we’re not punishing enough or rewarding enough.�154
I am silent.155
“Look, just be a good person. It’s as simple as that,� Jesus says with a sign. He begins picking up his things. “Don’t be a good person just because dad’s been watching you whenever you take a piss.�156
“You honestly think the rest of us are going to get that?� I ask, challenging.157
“Oh, fuck no,� Jesus replies, “which is why I’m going to have to come back and rewrite the fucking Bible after a few years.� He pays his bill.158
“What the hell is going to happen until then?� I demand.159
“Oh, wars,� Jesus says absentmindedly, “but at least there will be plenty of interesting television to watch.�160
“And you don’t care at all?� I ask slowly.161
“Whether or not I care is beyond the point,� Jesus replies. “What matters is if you care. That is the point.�162
“Well I fucking care,� I answer.163
“Then go do something about it.�164
There is a pause as Jesus adjusts his robes.165
“So what was the real reason why God kill Himself?�166
Jesus stops and looks up thoughtfully.167
“Daytime television.�168
I blink. “That’s it?�169
“Have you ever watched that shit, man? It’s boring as hell!�170
“But I’m not going to kill myself over it!�171
“You haven’t been watching it for over seventy-five years.�172
“So now our world is ruined because of daytime television?�173
“At least until they stop showing reruns of Dynasty. That show is terrible! And those girls really need to lay off the shoulder pads.�174
“That’s a stupid reason.�175
Jesus smiles, “I know.�176
“Everything about you guys is stupid.�177
“Good,� Jesus says, putting on his jacket. “And since you’re so not-stupid, please make this world right again.�178
I think about this as he makes his way to the door.179
“Only if you teach me that party trick of yours.�180
Author notes
based off of www.deviantart.com/deviation/12742649/
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Comments
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I don't know what to say about this. It's good. It's very good. It held my interest and the dialogue was very believable.
Ugh. It is midnight and I'm exhausted so I'm sorry, but this comment sucks. But this is good. -
wow !
I really like this story
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