The girl with the bucket on her foot

1

One day the girl with the knickers on her head was walking down the road. Actually what she was doing was walking with one foot on the pavement and the other in the gutter. This was because it she had the knickers pulled well down to keep out the wind, and her vision was partly obscured.2

The street was fairly quiet, but after a while the girl with the knickers on her head realised that someone else was walking towards her. She could hear a steady “clang stump clang stump clang stump”, and it was getting louder by the second. When she judged that whoever it was that was clang-stumping along was close she stepped to one side. There was a “stump clang” and an awkward silence – obviously the other person had tried to doge in the same direction. The girl with the knickers on her head stepped the other way, and heard a simultaneous “clang stump” – the person had dodged that way too. The girl with the knickers on her head tentatively raised one foot; there was a simultaneous slight scraping noise, as if something metal had been lifted clear of the ground. The girl with the knickers on her head put her foot down. “Clang” came the almost instantaneous reply.3

The girl with the knickers on her head decided to satisfy her curiosity. She raised the waistband of the knickers until it was above her eyes. Standing before her was a rather sweet young woman. With a bucket on her foot.4

The girl with the knickers on her head looked down at the feet of the girl with the bucket on her foot. The girl with the bucket on her foot looked up at the head of the girl with the knickers on her head.5

“Why have you got a bucket on your foot?” said the girl with the knickers on her head.6

“I was carrying this bucket of water round to the back of my house,” said the girl with the bucket on her foot. “When I slipped on a banana skin. I fell over and tipped the water all over myself, then when I got up I accidentally put one foot into the bucket. It got stuck. It’s still stuck.”7

“I presume it’s because you got wet,” ventured the girl with the knickers on her head. “That you’re also wearing a bathrobe in the street?”8

“Yes,” said the girl with the bucket on her foot.9

“Hmm,” said the girl with the knickers on her head. An awkward silence followed, which is only to be expected in circumstances like this.10

“May I ask why you have a pair of knickers on your head?” asked the girl with the bucket on her foot.11

The girl with the knickers on her head shrugged. “Force of habit,” she said, offhandedly.12

The girl with the bucket on her foot looked up more closely at the girl with the knickers on her head. “I say!” she said, proving herself right. “Are you by any chance a lesbian?”13

“Why yes,” said the girl with the knickers on her head. “How ever did you know that?”14

“The dirty great neon sign above your head,” said the girl with the bucket on her foot, and laughed as the girl with the knickers on her head actually looked up. The girl with the knickers on her head blushed and felt foolish, and thought about making some excuse to go. But the girl with the bucket on her foot was smiling, and it was a very nice smile, so she didn’t go. She stayed, and she smiled back.15

“Actually,” said the girl with the bucket on her foot. “I couldn’t help noticing that there’s a logo on your knickers. You’ve got them on inside-out of course, but I can make out that it says ‘I do girls’, and I’ve seen a pair like that in Diva magazine.”16

“Oh,” said the girl with the knickers on her head. “Are you a lesbian too?”17

“Yes!” exclaimed the girl with the bucket on her foot. And then she said, “I like you. Will you marry me?”18

“Yes!” exclaimed the girl with the knickers on her head, and the girl with the bucket on her foot did a happy little dance (clangety-stump, stumpety-clang). Then she stopped, and thought. Then she said:19

“Where shall we live?”20

“Iona!” said the girl with the knickers on her head. 21

So that is what they did. Never mind that lesbians can’t get married on Iona, or anywhere else near there, married they did get. They lived in a little cottage at the end of a lane, overlooking Mull. They became a regular sight in the village – a girl with a pair of knickers on her head walking hand-in hand with a girl with a bucket on her foot, dressed in a bathrobe. People got used to them, except perhaps for tourists, who were always tripping over corncrakes and bumping into MacLean’s Cross, because they were watching the girl with the knickers on her head and the girl with the bucket on her foot, instead of watching where they were going.22

The girl with the knickers on her head and the girl with the bucket on her foot lived happily ever after, keeping the knickers and the bucket firmly in place all the time. And the moral of this story is – it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, even if you have a bucket on your foot, as long as you are happy.23