Chapter one of my novel. I would ask to please refrain from overt efforts with regards to punctuation and grammar. i'll get to it ...or an editor will. What i'm looking for is feedback based on impact only. Thanks all. 1
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(CH 1) 3
I don't need an alarm anymore.
I just wake...and how i don't want to. Everyday.
First thing: pain...and lots of it. I deserve it. I earned it. Shifting back sweat soaked covers, i push myself up.
Bones cracking in shoulder blades.
Shooting pain in eyes. God...I don't even want to try and stand. And definitely don't want to see the mocking reflection in the mirror. Matter of fact, I've now refined my morning routine of shaving, cleaning, whatever...to not look. Thinking of removing the goddamn thing altogether. 4
But before i can even get that far. pills. and lots of them.
anti-anxiety
Valium
sinus
pain killers 5
I stare at these effects of my life in little blue bottles with my name on them. As though they had been waiting for me for a long time. Welcome home, they say. This was your destiny they say. 6
I say, fuck you.7
They race my mind over years and distances. Times that cannot be undone...or reached back for.
Pain again.
Lonely room says hello.
I say..fuck off.8
I was better than this. Had more than rest. Doors close. Windows close. There's no escape from this velvet covered prison. All i want to do is get out of here.
Somewhere.
Anywhere. 9
But hope wains quickly in that, in and amongst the fleeting, tormenting visions and memories of the past. I've never found any escape from anything. Cause everywhere I go...there i follow.
and it fucking sucks. I can feel my insides bleeding...and wonder how long. How long will it be? 10
After I down the plethora of meds with a tepid glass of last nights mix of scotch and water...which makes me wretch forward a little.
Stomach heaves.
And now i have no choice but to run to the toilet. So i do, and all the meds i just took float on the water, with blood. Like so many days. 11
My doctor is use to this now. Knows. He writes me scripts in empathy..even sympathy maybe, of large amounts, knowing I'm going to lose more than half every time. Or...on the bad days, over use. So desperately trying to drown out the pain. He's seen this before. And always greets me with that sad, knowing smile. 12
How are you today, Tim? 13
He knows already, as i try to be a man and suppress the tears already welling up in my eyes. 14
Tired. 15
Yes, I can see that. Did you sleep last night? 16
No. Kind've. But not really. 17
So, the same then. 18
Yeah. 19
How much blood this morning. 20
Not too much, I say, staring at the floor. Not wanting to look up. I don't that much anymore. Look up. Especially into the eyes of someone I know cares. I was lucky to find this doctor. Very lucky. He's a beautiful man and really cares. It hurts me to go there, in paradox. Cause, I don't want anybody to care. 21
I don't want to care. My whole life is a testimony to that fact. Don't want to feel. I shuffle my feet around a little, lean my head on my hand, elbow on knee. Same position every time. 22
Let me take your blood pressure. 23
Ok. 24
How's your med intake? 25
Same mostly. 26
Except with the new circumstances invading and causing some increase sometimes. You know...what we talked about. 27
Yes. 28
As he pumps the little black ball. The pressure rises. For some reason, I always hate this part. It makes me nervous, and I don't know why. It always ends up pretty much the same unless i did a whole bunch of bennies that week. or coke. 29
High this morning, Tim. 30
Have you been doing any uppers? 31
He always asks this when my blood pressure is up..and i don't mind. He's the only true and honest, non-judgmental friend I have left. Yeah, I call him friend, even though I'm just a patient of many. He helps me. Even if he's paid to do so. Doesn't matter. Removal of judgment matters. 32
No. 33
Cocaine? 34
No. 35
Crack? 36
No. 37
What's this little burn mark on your lip from? 38
Over-heated crack pipe. But that was last week. 39
Hmmm, he says. 40
Well, are you still willing to go into therapy? 41
Fuck, I say silently in mind. With deep sigh. Yes, I guess. 42
Still cynical? 43
Very. 44
Ok, then. I need you to go down to the mental illness wing and do the paper work. And really do it this time, Tim. 45
I will. another deep sigh. 46
I venture a look up. Feeling comforted and pressed again to tears as I see his soft, smiling face. 47
It's going to be alright. Don't worry. 48
I won't.
So...the meds. Where are we at this week. I'm out of diazepam, lorazepam, trazadone and the morphine. You're only supposed to be taking the morphine pills on extreme days, you remember, right. I had to bend a few rules to get that for you. 49
I know. 50
Circumstances, remember. I over did it. 51
Ok. Well, i figured the rest. Not to thrilled about the morphine. But I'll give another script for all of it. If you mis-use the morphine this time, you'll have to come right down to the office for a dose, ok? 52
Ok. 53
I have you scheduled in for an MRI next week. You remember where the building is, right? 54
Yeah. 55
Good. 56
Here's some salve for that burn. 57
Thanks. 58
Go right to the paper work this time, ok Tim? 59
I will. 60
I don't 61
He shakes my hand and says, as always. Good luck. Call me if you need me. Day or night, remember? 62
Yeah. Thanks, Doc 63
Ok. 64
And with a friendly pat on my back as I pass him, I leave with papers in hand. My friends. My only other friends. Pills on paper.
I glance at the directional sign to the mental ward, and walk out the door. Just can't face it. He knew it. He waits. I wait. 65
Can't do it. Just can't. 66
The sunlight burns my eyes as I'm lost in that thought, forgetting to put my very thick sunglasses on before I step out the door. Light. Any kind of light is immediate knives in my skull. I rushedly put them on, almost poking my eye out, dropping my scripts all over the ground as I do. My hands are shaking badly as i fumble to pick them up. With my face to the ground, I see a pair of hands join in the effort. Female hands. I don't even wanna look up. 67
Let me help you with those. 68
Soft, friendly, serene her voice is. Almost like a gentle melody. It gives me courage, so i dare a look up. Dressed in white. A nurse. It figures. 69
Beautiful day, isn't it? 70
Yeah, I guess. 71
Having a bit of trouble today? 72
I want to scream, my whole life. but i don't. obviously. 73
I know my face is palor, skin chaffed and rough, unshaven, sore on lip, shaking all over almost. embarrassed a little. and i don't usually feel that anymore. but with her, at that moment, it was different. i suddenly felt that horrible desire to be better. a desire i have worked hard at destroying. Eradicating. Obliterating from my life altogether. 74
I'll be ok. 75
Sure you will, she says. Beautiful smile. Beautiful face. Beautiful voice. I don't want to look at her anymore. I don't want that hurt. That desire for female companionship. It's different. Special. And i don't want anything special anymore. 76
No more desire.
I want...
Nothingness.
And to be nobody. 77
Do you need help to your car? 78
No. I'll be fine. Thank you for your help, i say...turning my head to the side now and looking back down to the ground. 79
Ok then. 80
Take it easy, ok? 81
I will. Thanks. 82
It's ok. Anytime. 83
I walk away and hear footsteps quick behind. 84
By the way, my name is Claire. I work on the 3rd floor of the mental illness wing. 85
Irony. 86
She extends her hand. I take it. not wanting to I don't like to be touched anymore that much. 87
I've seen you come in and out over the past year or so. 88
Yeah. I'm around alot. more than I want to be. 89
She smiles, knowingly. 90
It's going to be ok, you know. 91
Tears. Fucking tears trying to push through again. I don't want this. I have to get away and hope she finishes fast. 92
Yeah. Thanks. 93
So, drop by and say hello next time you're in ok? Maybe we can go to the lunchroom for a coffee. 94
In confusion and slight shock, i say, Ok, I will. 95
Take care, Tim. 96
She knew my name. How did she know my name? Mind scans. Scripts. She saw the scripts, that's all. I continue on my way to the car and the smell of hospital slowly blows off my body. And i love that. Can't stand that fucking smell. 97
Car starts.
Music on.
Pills already taken with EverReady bottle of water, mixed with Vodka. 98
I just hang my head and wait until i know i can drive without killing anybody or myself. For some reason, I'm shaking worse than when i came down. The nurse. I don't know. Something. Then the tension eases as they kick in. Hands stop shaking. I wipe the sweat off my forehead and rub it on my pants. dirty pants. 99
Brake off. 100
Into gear. 101
And I'm on my way downtown......again.
Author notes
Part one of my novel. I would ask to please refrain from overt efforts with regards to punctuation and grammar. i'll get to it ...or an editor will. What i'm looking for is feedback based on impact only. Thanks all.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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alright
I would have to get into more of your writing to get used to this story. In time I think I can appreciste it all. I think it can be very good and the emotion that I have is the person is trying to kill themself. I kind of have a hard time trying to put the right words into this because I know what suicide is and it hits home real good. It is interesting but I think I would have to read some more of your works.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Very interesting, kept my attention the entire time. Felt I should begin reading Ch 1 and continue through before commenting on your last chapter written. thanks for inviting me to read your works, I see a familiar face within these words. Good job.
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Amazing! This is so painful and yet I feel like I've been there. So much emotions and passionate. Wonderful!
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by the way, it has a very 'real' feel to it, most patients hate the smell of the hospital, nurses are in their element
anywhere near a clinic or hospital, and that the nurse here was comfortable and helpful gave this a genuine touch. and the way Tim feels like his doc is his friend is how it should be...there really are docs who take the time to heal with kindness the whole individual. i am analytical about the symptoms you have divulged thus far about Tim...diagnosis pending but i have an idea.
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i was totally submerged in the character. i cant wait to read more.
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gripping read
This is how I expected it to be...deep and intriguing with an air of secrets and danger to be unfolded...Tim is in such a bad way, will he ever climb out of this or will he sink even deeper, past any help...will he ever see the nurse again, can she help him?...this has me waiting eagerly for the next part...excellent so far...I will return as I am already hooked and deserves my applaud...keep on writing...~Lilac~ -
awesome!
ooh thats soo awesome! Sad, but really really cool.
I love it! is there going to be more to this story? anyways.. great job on this! keep it up. Take Care. bye.
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i dont read too much... i dont know what a normal story is... i don't know where stories come from... i don't know if what you have here is over done or not and if it were i wouldn't know if you were adding a new spice to it... at the beginning i got a little lost in transition from waking up to getting ready to driving to doctor's... i didn't mind much... the character i can identify with... not to a 'T' but close... yeah I was also thinking it would be awesome if you went on more about the conversations you have with your pills... a mild inner monologue...
how dose this hit me... it made me slightly depressed and my stomach hurts a little... the woman element towards the end had me rooting Tim on saying, take it. now is the time... but that might make for a short story...
if you have more i wouldn't mind reading it... but like i said, i dont read much so if i dont read the more of it, you know... i also suggest that you should write alot more before posting... dont get wrapped up in wanting people to read it... thats what made me stop writing my book...
life sometimes makes us ask, where do we go from here... and then while we wonder what to do, situations take care of themselves...
Doug -
This is a very emotional and captivating write.
It encompasses so many emotions that we all feel everyday, but try to push aside.
Pain, Rage, Degradation, Loneliness, Despair, Hate, Spite, Humility, Shame, Tension, Fear, and Loathing, among others. A day in the life...just another day in the life....
Great write, and I wish you all the best on this novel you are creating.
Peace and Light,
~Sherry~
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great job.. so sad though.. just makes me want to give u a big hug *hugs* its very emotional, into the tale of your mind. i know im a lot younger than you and havent been through half as much as you have, but i know what you mean when you say you dont want to feel anymore.. and only want nothingness. thats such a horriblefeeling though, and you such a great person. you diserve to be happy and i hope sometime you will be. you still are pretty young and theres always a way to fix the broken hearted its just a matter of figuring out how you need to be healed, but i wish the best for you, awesome job and keep working on it, its great.
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excellent
well this was very deep and i could feel the pain he was giong though as regards to the companionship isse and i can aso relate to not wanting anyone to care about him, and feeling that good things should nether happen, my favorote part was
"Sure you will, she says. Beautiful smile. Beautiful face. Beautiful voice. I don't want to look at her anymore. I don't want that hurt. That desire for female companionship. It's different. Special. And i don't want anything special anymore.
No more desire.
I want...
Nothingness.
And to be nobody." this was really sad. overall i really want to read the rest of this because it is great, i love it, well done, keep on writting and peace out.
-armoured heart- -
I liked it. A little too Palahunik for me. But it was hella good. Right before he throws the pills up, got me kind of confused. The whole Fuck you room thing. I dunno, it doesn't matter. But right on. How far along are you. I'm working on a novel myself, i only have like oe hundred and fifty pages. But I'm going strong!!!! No I'm lying, I'm acually tapering off.
Eh....I loved it. Your sense of writing has a certain...misguided dignity about it and i really like that about you. I wonder, it's a weird question but do you walk tall and proud, or head down and quickly? It doesn't matter, just the wierd things i think about, in the dead hours of the night. I love your style, it's got authority and thats the type of shit i read. You know that stuff that says "Look bitch, I'm right fucking here you jack off, BLACK AND WHITE no way around it, you have to read me. If you don't I'll kill your children. That kind of writing. -
incroyable
this is absolutely amazing, the way it's written, in that fight-club manner of droning everpresent thoughts coming one after the other, bam bam bam, you wake up in toledo, you wake up in los angeles. utter hopelessness, i haven't felt THIS since i read part of 'naked lunch' by william s burroughs and had to put it down or i'd kill myself. fucking tremendous, don't change a thing. -
This is going to be an amazing story..I can tell right away. I can relate to parts of this, maybe not the mental ward part, but the hard drugs part...as you might have seen on my author's page..(unfortuanately).
I thought it was warming to know that a stranger girl helped the main character, Tim, to be encouraged. A pretty girl, with a sweet pretty voice. It is like a start of a new romantic relationship. Not that it matters. But to me it does. I love your work.
Keep Writing.
Pessimistic Princess<3 -
better than Frye
This marks the first time I've actually cried after reading a piece on this site. I knew if you started it, it would come. Fantastic beginning, really hooked me. Keep writing. -
amazing!
This is truly amazing. You really manage to capture those lonely, despairing feelings that means you can feel exactly what the character does. Its definitely different in the way it is written, very to the point...normally I like longer sentences etc, but it really works here and really made me want to keep reading. This looks like an amazing piece of work, the novel will be just as good
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Just Amazing
Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. This is so....sad. This story, the guy, it's so lonely. I love the way you really got the reader to sit inside his head, see, hear, think everything. Amazing. This story made me want to cry. I get the feeling your novel will be great.
Take Care
*Kirsten*
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