Dear Mom

To Ms. Molly X,1

"Are you doing okay?  Are you planning on going to college?2

If so, what degree?3

Hope you are doing good.4

Love,  Mom & Mariah"5

I find myself unable to discern the pathological drive which led you, after so many years without contact to send me such a brief acknowledgement.  I apologize if these words sound bitter, but they are only so because of the fear I have that, given the opportunity, I may have loved my mother. I've been so frustrated in seeing my peers develop with their maternal influences near enough to know, and I without.  Imagine for a moment that you are in Elementary school, it's Mother's Day, your class is making cards.  What effect do you believe it could have on a child which has to respond, "I don't have a mom to give the card to"?  Again, I'm sorry for chastising you, but this is my genuine sentiment.  It seems to me that you are wholly unaware of recent events in my life, for if you were aware you would have sent me a much longer note.6

As society has predicted, the child of a broken home has done it no good.  The height of my achievements thus far have been in writing.  Aside from my literary talents, I've done no good.  The first notable infraction would be my expulsion from high school in the ninth grade.  After that I went to an alternative school and was introduced to the best people I've ever known.  They taught me how to party, and I loved them for it.  The only crime which I was caught committing with them was shoplifting.  I was stealing to get high.  Later I returned to normal school and things leveled off until this past semester.  Two days after my 17th birthday(Nov. 11, 05)  I was skipping school with two of my friends.  We broke into one of their houses because she had left her key inside.  Two weeks later I went to jail.  It was only a few hours before my father was able to bail me out, but it was an awakening experience.  A lawyer, a judge and several others came to the conclusion that I would be found guilty, spend 4 months to a year in prison, and enjoy probation until my 23rd birthday.  Only in the last two weeks was I notified that the case was closed and that I am free of charge, yet up until then, I felt hopeless and powerless.7

After I had been convinced of my fate, convinced that within the year I would have a felony record, I saw no purpose in continuing to strain myself with breathing.  As I'm sure you're unaware, these past few tries were not my first attempts at suicide.  As early as 12 I was beginning to feel a waning purpose.  One week before I became a teen, I was committed for my first attempt.  And more recently, two weeks before Christmas, I was committed again.  Although it is unnecessary, I think it may do you well to know the methods which I took.  In the first I overdosed on my deceased grandmother's left-over prescriptions, three full bottles of them.  My more recent attempts were more closely fatal.  In one I drank alcohol to thin my blood, and then cut my wrist.  In another I acted similarly, but in place of alcohol, used a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of Benadryl, both full, then empty.  And lastly, the most damaging, I huffed concentrated methanol.  I say most damaging because it has left me mentally slower than I have been in the past.  Recent acts of kindness in those closest to me have persuaded me to stop with this masochism.  Sadly, my mother was not one of them.  You have allowed an immeasurable rift to develop between us, but I've forgiven you.  My most optimistic hopes are of a future where I love my mother, yet I cannot love, or say I love, that which I do not know.  I could rely on memories, but my memories of you are vague.  I hope that you can understand what I'm asking of you.  As difficult as it will surely be, our meeting each other is the only way we will ever be able to form any true relationship.  A mother is not a pen-pal, but a mother.  At this moment you are as faceless to me as I am to you.  All I can see when I think of you is dark curly hair.  I'm running out of things to say, but I do hope this has changed something in you.  If you'd like to meet me, you're welcome any time.  I'm sad to say that this is where I will limit our discourse.  If you contact me for any reason aside from arranging a meeting, I will not respond.  I have no desire to be taunted by a phantom of my past.  I hope that you decide to become more.8

Sincerely,9

Your Son,10

Blake11