Eighteen Candles (pt 26)

tears1

cotton quilts2

lay at my feet3

crumpled and dirty4

empty blue boxes5

litter the floor6

I'm wrapped up7

like a mummy in my sheets8

blinds block the sunlight9

and I sleep as if I'm dead10

crying 11

         crying12

                 crying13

there is nothing I can do now.14

wishing I could wipe this pain15

away like tissues do tears.16

***17

sleeping less, eating more18

my insomnia is permanent.19

no sleep20

four days in a row21

wide awake staring at the ceiling22

midnights channel surfing23

ironically 24

tragical movies showing25

on the late night movie26

channels27

Nicole insist that I rest28

She keeps saying29

'Think about your baby Denzel.'30

But I don't want to think31

about my baby.32

Baby is the reason I'm in this mess.33

Baby is the reason my life lays in ruins.34

Besides35

I am too depressed to sleep.36

I clean out the junk food pantry37

eat38

and39

eat40

and41

eat42

and43

eating44

till I feel like45

I'll explode46

or47

throw up48

Nicole wears that look49

of concern on her face50

like a mask51

always worried 52

about me53

me54

me55

me56

I wish she'd worry about herself57

and not me58

me59

me60

me61

and blah blah blah62

crap I don't care about.63

***64

Today65

Nicole doesn't lecture me.66

Just goes about her business.67

Treating me as if I'm a ghost,68

invisible.69

I assume she is upset with me.70

Great.71

That's all I need.72

A mob of angry people refusing73

to communicate with me.74

***75

Funeral76

I wear black as if there's77

a funeral today.78

crying79

picking the petals off80

the rose I plucked from81

the bush out back82

letting the wind blow83

them to where ever it pleases.84

***85

Talk86

Sunday morning87

on the sundeck88

over tea89

Nicole said90

'what are you going to do?'91

I Said92

'I don't know.'93

She said94

'You should call Zale.'95

I am to afraid to attempt such 96

an action. Fear holds me.97

I am it's prisoner.98

Fear digs it's claws deep into my flesh99

and I bleed.100

Nicole is a mind-reader.101

when it comes to me anyway.102

'Don't let fear control you. Your103

letting it make decisions for you104

and those choices made out of fear-105

they're everyone who cares about you.106

They're hurting you.'107

And I know she's right.108

I just can't do it.109

***110

unexpected visits111

mom chats with Nicole112

chain-smoking113

sitting in the red wicker chair114

opposite Nicole115

laughing116

pushing back the117

glass door118

I greet mom119

trying not to show120

how surprised I am to see her.121

she gets up122

and hugs me123

hard enough to suffocate me.124

she smells like Chanel125

and cigarette smoke.126

'Let's go inside and talk.' She says, ushering127

me back inside.128

***129

Dialogue between mom and I130

Me: What are you doing here?131

Mom: Well...I had a chat with your father Saturday-132

I called to make plans for your party.-and he told133

me that you packed up and left.134

Me: (weakly) Um...yeah. I did.135

Mom: He also told me that you were pregnant.136

(stubbing out her cigarette) So I thought I'd137

come to see how you were doing.138

Me: (surprised) That's it?139

Mom: (nodding) Yes.140

Me: (slowly) So...your not mad at me?141

Mom: No, I wouldn't say I'm mad. Let's just say142

I'm disappointed. Your father raised you to use143

your head and clearly you did not.144

Me: (sighing) Yeah.145

Mom: But, I am proud of you for146

taking responsibility for your actions.147

Me: (smiling) Thanks mom. I wish that I'd148

been wiser in decision making.149

Mom: Well this is one mistake I hope150

has taught you a good lesson. (leans over and pats my knee)151

However this is the consequence of your foolishness. I expect you152

to do whatever necessary to take care of your child.153

Me: (nodding)154

Mom: I am going to help you, because155

from what Nicole tells me, help is what156

you really need right now.157

Ain't that the truth.158

Me: What about Zale? I'm sure Nicole filled in the 159

gaps for you about that.160

Mom: (sighs) Yes she did. He'll come around161

Give the boy time.162

Me: I hope your right.163