The room was as cheerless and depressing as a room could get- the floor was cold and stained with blood, sweat, and urine- for there was not so much as a chamber pot for the 19 girls to use... the room stank with bodily fluids, unwashed bodies, and the stale, salty scent of fear emitting from the girls... there were no beds and no food, and only one small jug of unclean water that caused more thirst than it quenched.
The girls had obviously been in the dungeon for a long time. Their bodies were emaciated, their hair matted and greasy, skin grimy with dirt and sweat and blood... most seemed barely able to sustain enough energy to live. Their eyes were glassy, faces expressionless and unfeeling... many girls had horrible wounds, infected or festering, some still seeping blood...
The dungeon was remarkably silent. Those who could speak did not, and those most could not even had they wished to- they had not the strength. There were few tears, but the girls who wept did so silently...
Some girls were too weak to even sit up, and so lay down with their eyes barely open, their heads on the laps of other girls, their breathing coming so slowly it barely moved their chests...
The girls strong enough to sit up huddled together, shoulder to shoulder, shuddering, both from the dungeon's terrible cold and their shared fear of what was to come...
Suddenly the dungeon door swung open with a drawn out creak. The girls' heads swiveled slowly, and their trembling increased as they stared in terror at the dark majestic figure descending the stairs. They clutched each other tightly, praying prayers they knew to be futile...
The woman who stood before them was beautiful, with long, luxurious dark hair, a small, slender figure, pale skin, and a tiny waist. She wore a magnificent gown of crimson and purple, that emphasized every curve to its best advantage. As she stared at them, a gleeful smile transformed her lovely face into a twisted coutenance of malice. Her eyes shone with vicious delight at what they saw, of the obvious terror of the girls. She was Countess Elizabeth of Bathory, the blood countess...
" You!" she barked out abruptly to a girl of around 15 years, holding a child no more than nine in her arms. " Come with me, Rivkah!"
Rivkah could see the other girls' sighs of relief as they realized that at least for now, they were spared... she saw them withdraw from her, no longer touching her, averting their eyes as they said not a word, made no move to defend her from their mistress... Rivkah trembled, unable to move... it was her turn now...
Elizabeth strode over to her, scowling, and seized her arm, yanking her to her feet so roughly the other girl was tossed violently onto the floor, and Rivkah's arm was nearly pulled from its socket... she began to drag the unfortunate girl after her, with a strength beyond that of a normal woman. She reached the dungeon door and flung it open, pushing Rivkah through before allowing it to slam shut behind her, so that darkness closed in on the other girls once more...
As the remaining girls sat in numb silence, they could hear the ear-splitting shrieks made by Rivkah... as they heard Elizabeth's insane cackle growing louder, they could only think of how grateful they were that it was not yet their turn...
Author notes
Not exactly an appropriate valentine's day story lol.... but what the heck I'm single anyway. this is about countess elizabeth of bathory, who killed hundreds of girls to bathe in their blood to stay young. the year is 1600's i guess- i didn't set an exact date. the time period she was alive
A contest entry
- Monsters and Villains by Andy Stephenson.
100 points, ended April 17, 2006, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 17th, 18th and 19th Century Fiction by Bitter Irony.
250 points, ended September 13, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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The imfamous Elizabeth Bathory....I love reading about her. She is so fascinating and she happens to my favorite woman figure. I liked your descriptions in this. I'd hate to be one of the girls that she picked.
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Yep, Bathory lived in the late 1500s--early 1600s. I can't remember the specific dates either. :-)
Nice atmospheric piece, but I wonder which point of view you meant to use? Omnipotent? At first, I thought it would be from the girls' PoV, considering such adjectives as "terrifyingly sinister", but then you described them as an outsider would see them.
Also, don't tell the readers what to think: give details that let them form their own opinions. Don't say the castle is "terrifyingly sinister"--give details that show the reader how sinister the castle is.
Thanks for entering the contest (with a story about one of my favorite historical figures, too!), and good luck!beginning: 3, language: 1, plot: 2, ending: 1, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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Good
There wasn't a lot of insight into Elizabeth, but I could certainly feel for the victims. Elizabeth does get away with her crimes here, the kind of villain I was seeking. No dialog. There could have been more description, especially of Elizabeth. Without the comment, I wouldn't have known what was going on.beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, overall: 7, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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Wow. What a very dark creative write.. I have been getting into writting darkmore here lately, the description of the hair was wild.Actually it gives a great image of a rooting corpse pretty smart. Love the writePj's
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ahyeah i was reading up on her yesterday actually. very interesting... and totally not valentine's related heh but that's all the better for me. love the take from the girls' side




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