undecided (chapter two COMPLETE)

Chapter 21

“What is the next step in solving this Trigametric Equation? Michael? MICHAEL!”  Michael withdrew from his aimless stare towards the clock and now looked up at Mrs. Myers, his math teacher, who looked very angry and was now slapping a ruler on the palm of you right hand.2

“Um the answer is 37?” Michael asked inquisitively. 3

“So your saying that if sin x= tan x / cos x, then x is 37?”4

Noticing the stupidity in his question he rejected to his answer said “um, if you put it that way, then no.” the class all laughed at this and the teacher went on explaining the next step. 5

Michael then went back to thinking about that girl he had met online; he couldn’t seem to get her off his mind since the moment she left him. He was searching his thoughts for the answers to all the questions that had arose. Michael wondered what it was about her that makes him continue to think of her, they had only talked for a few minutes, but yet she never left his thoughts. What really confused him was the fact that she lived all the way in New York, and some how he had found a balloon with her web address on it. He sat and wondered how this was possible coming with many impossible scenarios, until the bell rang and awoke him from his absurd thoughts. 6

It was finally, time to leave the dreaded prison of knowledge, that was school. He continued to think of this girl as he walked home. He was so caught up in his fantasies about her that he didn’t notice when he almost got ran over on several occasions. The image of this beautiful blonde haired girl became the screen savor of his thoughts. When he reached his destination, he just stared absentmindedly at the door that stood in front of him, for he was still daydreaming and his brain had not yet computed that he was where he needed to be.7

After finally deciding to open the door, he ran in side and threw his back pack into his room, and quickly turned on the computer, in hopes that he would get a second chance at speaking with this angle that had filled his head. While he was waiting for his computer to load he changed into his favorite pair of blue jean-shorts and turned on his radio. Before the computer could finish its loading process, Jake, his dad, swung open the bedroom door and began yelling and cursing at Michael.8

“What the hell is the matter with you, you come home and go straight on that damn computer box, you pass right by the garbage can and see that it is full, but you don’t bother to take it out!” yelled Jake.9

“Well you saw it too, why don’t you…” Michael stopped himself from saying more.10

“What did you say boy?” demanded his father11

“Nothing dad, I was like, just saying that ill take out the trash right now.”12

“Today boy!” 13

Hearing the tone his father had used, Michael decided to that his dreams girl was going to have to wait, and got right up to take out the trash. On his way out his father threw him a butter knife and commanded  “since you’re out there, you might as well start pulling out them weeds.”14

Michael now felt like a soldier getting called up for war right before he was about to get married. He had been waiting to talk to this girl all day; lasted six long periods of schooling, even though he didn’t do his work anyway, because of his mind was filled with thoughts of this glorious person whom he had conversed with for a mere two minutes. But something about this person made Michael feel like she was the one, like she was his soul mate, if there even is such thing. He had never felt this way about a person before, especially not a person of whom he had not even met yet. 15

It had already grown dark by the time Michael’s father called him in. When entering his house, Michael’s father patted him on the back and said, “Good job boy.” He usually said this when Michael did what he was told without argument. Michael, now feeling a little better, contemplated with the idea of taking a shower, but decided to skip it and see if the girl of his dreams, or at least daydreams, was online.16

--------------17

“Oh my god, why is that guy still on my mind, he was a stupid jerk, just like all other guys.” Crystal thought to her self, feeling frustrated that she would let a guy do this to her again. “I’m so stupid! He barely said anything, and his words carried no extraordinary significance to me once so ever. With that said, why does it feel so right to talk to him? Why do I get the urge to carry on a passionate conversation with this loser that I haven’t even meet?” Crystal couldn’t understand what was so special about this guy that she had shared a scarce amount of words with, but she had find out what it was. She had to know, what about this guy, was so unique that he could make her feel like she could talk to him about anything. 18

With these thoughts parading her mind like a stampede of wild animals, she went to her computer with hopes that this guy would be on. She checked her messages diligently making sure not to dispose of one that might contain the words of her prince charming. She shuffled through her messages now furious at the fact that he has not written a message. “Maybe I missed it,” she thought to herself as she looked through her messages for what seemed to be the hundredth time.19

“What’s up beautiful?” read a message that popped up on the screen. 20

Crystal was now filled with glee as she began talking to her self, “It was him, the guy of my dreams, he is finally here to talk to me. Oh my, what do I say, I cant believe he actually wanted to talk to me again. What do I say to him?” She now felt like a teenage girl in high school for saying what was said.21

“Nothing much, how bout you?” She finally answered now feeling rather foolish that, these were the only words her mind could muster.22

“Nothing really, I just had to talk to you again, I mean, I don’t know what it is, but you were on my mind all day. I know this must sound really weird considering that we don’t really know each other, but I would really love to get to know you.23

“Aww, that’s really sweet, I guess it would be cool to get to know you.” Crystal replied, trying not to let Michael know that she felt the same way as he. She knew that if she showed this to Michael, it would only be showing weakness and it would leave her vulnerable.24

“If you don’t want to talk to me its cool, like just tell me and I’ll leave you alone, I would really like to get to know you, but if u don’t feel the same its cool don’t worry about it.”25

“No, no, I’m sorry if I sounded rude before, I didn’t mean it to come out that way. I do want to get to know you, you seem like a really nice person and it would mean a lot to me if we talked.”26

“Oh ok, I’m sorry I couldn’t tell, it sounded like you didn’t want to talk to me at all. Now since that’s not the case, what did…” 27

“What do you look like?” Crystal interrupted.28

Michael briefly described himself and then decided to ask her the same question, even though he already knew the answer, for he had seen the pictures that were posted on the web site.29

“Well I used to be really fat, I still am fat, but not as big I used to be. Here let me send you some pictures of me now and ones from back then.”30

“You are so not fat, you weigh like 130, you said, that’s not fat at all. But yeah, I would be delighted to look at you pictures.” After typing this Michael must have waited for three minutes before Crystal replied.31

“I’m really fat, but here you go.” 32

Michael now had the pictures brought up on his computer screen. He examined them, looking at the fat ones of her first; he was pleased to see that he still found her attractive even at her 200 plus size. But now that she was around 130, she was beautiful, he couldn’t keep from looking at the pictures. She was of a high-class model status, much better looking than most of the girls in magazines.33

“Damn, you so damn beautiful, there aren’t any words to describe you, your just so, damn.”34

“Oh there are words; cow, fat-ass, hideous, do any of these ring a bell?”35

“No way, you are one of the prettiest girls I have ever laid my eyes upon.”36

“So would you fuck me? If I look as good as you say I do then why am I still stuck with this burden?”37

“What burden?”38

“The burden of never knowing how it feels to be that close to someone. Never having anyone that wanted your body next to theirs.”39

“What are you talking about, I’m sure there are plenty of guys that want you that way.”40

“Right, everybody wants me, that’s why I’m still a virgin huh?”41

Michael just stared into his screen, dumbfounded, he couldn’t believe that there was a 19 year-old girl who had not yet had sex, especially in this generation. He found it even hard to believe that this beautiful girl, this girl who should be staring in Victoria secret commercials, had not found a person who wanted her. “What do you mean you’re a virgin.” He had asked within his disbelief.42

“I mean just that, I had not yet had sex. I hate it, I am 19 and still a virgin, and I haven’t even had a real boy friend either. I’ve never really been that close to someone, because they never wanted to be close to me. I’m so sick and tired of it.” Crystal was now filled with suppressed tears that were begging to get out; she no longer had the power to reject them of their need.43

“If it’s any consolation, from what I see in you pictures, I would give anything to be close to you like that, and in any other way.”44

“Aww, do you mean it?”45

“Of course I do.”46

They went on for hours conversing with each other, talking about nothing, everything, and anything that came to mind. They were now inseparable. Nothing could stop them from having their daily conversations that always ended in “I love you, good night and sweet dreams, of me.”47

--------------48

The sun filtered through Michael’s window and landed on his face, with this Michael pulled his blankets over his head and closed his eyes once again. It was too late; he couldn’t go back to sleep, thanks to the sun. So now, he just lay there on his bed, blanket still smothering his face, contemplating weather or not to get up this morning, like he did every morning.49

It was a Saturday, so he knew his dad must have had some work planned out for Michael to carry out. This just gave Michael another reason to want to never again awaken. He couldn’t think of any reason good enough to get him out of bed, except for one thing, or person. Michael did look forward to having another conversation with Crystal. 50

This was the only thing that got him up in the mornings. The knowledge that later that day he would get to have a spectacular conversation with a spectacular person, a person that would make his whole day of misery worth while. He finally decided to get up and turn on his computer. He turned his head to check his stereo for the time. It was now ten o’clock in the morning. Michael was now shocked that his dad allowed him to sleep in so late, because in Michael’s head were the memories of the countless times his dad had pummeled through the door and chastened him with a stick for sleeping in past seven thirty, but that was not the case. This relieved Michael, for now he suspected that today his dad was in a good mood. He then calculated the time difference and concluded that it was now one o’clock in the afternoon Crystal’s time. 51

Michael saw her name on the screen and began typing his message to her. “Yellow, beautiful, I missed you so much and cant stop thinking about you.” This was usually how he started his conversations with her. And she would usually reply with, “aww, you so pulled that out of your ass, but I missed you too.” This became like their little unofficial daily tradition, and today was no exception.52

Michael then replied, “ I did not pull that out of my ass, you know I love you, and can never stop thinking about you. Any ways, how was your day?”53

“It sucked so bad, my dad punched me in the stomach because I didn’t get him a beer. He says he told me about three times, but I didn’t hear him say anything about beer, so he punched me in the stomach. My mouth was filled with blood and I still can’t breathe without putting a lot of effort into it.”54

“I’m gonna kill ‘em, I swear one of these days I’m going go over there tie his ass up, and beat him to death.”55

“You don’t have to come and rescue me.”56

“Maybe I don’t have to, but I want to, that bastard deserves it, he has no right to be hitting like that, he shouldn’t touch you. When I go over there I am going to make sure he never tries to touch you again.”57

“That’s really sweet, but you know you don’t mean that. I’m just some girl on the Internet, you know you don’t really care for me the way you say you do.”58

“I guess that’s how you feel about me, it’s cool I guess, but it’s not how I feel about you. I love you and care for you deeply, I couldn’t see myself without you.”59

“That’s how you feel now, what about when you meet some other girl, a girl who is pretty and thin…”60

“You are pretty and thin, and you’re the only girl for me.” Interrupted Michael.61

“Stop lying to me like that, you don’t know all this. You can’t do this to me, you can make promises like this, because you can’t keep them, I don’t want to let you in, if your just gonna tear me apart.” 62

“I’m not going to tear you apart, you should know this, I love you and would never cause any harm to you.”63

“How do I know this! There is no way for me trust you, I’m sorry, I love you, but I just can’t trust you. You should understand this. You have a dick therefore you are untrustworthy, you are very nice, but you are still a guy.”64

“I’m not a guy, I mean I am, but I’m not like them. I won’t hurt you, I just want to be with you and spend the rest of my life with you.” Until now there was no doubt in Michael’s mind about this, but now, he was starting to have a little doubt. Crystal had planted a seed of uncertainty, a small seed that is now beginning to grow into a massive vine, which blooms with flowers of doubt.  However, Michael overlooked this and was now completely determined on gaining Crystal’s trust. “I just want to spend my future with you, why can’t you see that?”65

“Michael stop, you know why I can’t trust you, I want you, cause, I admit, you do seem different from other guys, your kinder and much sweeter than any of the guys I have met, but all guys have shown me nothing but dishonesty. I have trusted guys before and it ended up in tragedy, I have to learn from my mistakes, or else there is nothing that separates me from a stupid animal.”66

“So, basically I got screwed right? I mean, you’re going to judge me on the way these other guys had acted, you are going to judge me based on a stereotype. That’s great, it really separates you from a primitive animal.” Michael looked at this after sending it, and noticed that it came out really harsh. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to go off on you like that, it just irritates me that I don’t get to have your trust, with no fault of my own, or the fault of anyone I know for that matter.”67

“Well does it really matter if you have my trust or not? Like it’s just my trust, I do love you, but I don’t trust you.”68

“It does bother me, because its I your trust, I want you and everything that comes with you. Why cant you just trust me, I have never lied to you.” After saying this Michael did feel guilt building up with in him, because he had lie to her once before and still has yet to learn the truth. She believes he was seventeen years old, when in fact, he had just turned sixteen, This, he really didn’t think was such a big deal, but it was a lie, and it was followed by another thought. The thought that she had embedded within his mind, the doubt that kept popping up with every sentence that he wrote to her, a thought filled with doubt, doubt that he was just like all the other guys, and need to experience a lot of things still. These lies began eating him up inside so he decided it was best to just tell her his age. “Um ok, I have lied to you, I’m really sorry, um well, I lied about my age.”69

“I knew there was something you weren’t telling me, I could feel that there was something you were hiding, just didn’t know what it was.” Reading this made Michael mad with himself for giving her the satisfaction of seeing him fail and proofing that she was right. “But its ok, like I said you are a guy, you do these things, so how old are you?” Crystal added. 70

Michael was now really angry with himself, but decided to let Crystal rub it in, so he complied and answered with, “I’m sixteen, not almost eighteen.”71

“Oh really, well um, well its ok you’ll be turning seventeen soon right?”72

“Actually no, I just turned sixteen, I’m really sorry I lied to you, I just didn’t want you to automatically dismiss me because I was too young for you. I had to talk to you, and wanted you to like me.”73

“It’s actually kind of funny, I guess I get what I deserve I guess.”74

“You’re wrong, you don’t deserve to be lied to by anyone, and especially not by me, I’m really sorry.”75

“Well you see, when I was younger I had done the same thing. I had met this guy on the internet just like you met me, but I really fell for him, he was able to understand me, I told him I was 21 when really I was about your age. So in a way I guess I had it coming. Its cool though I’m glad you told you me this, it actually, in a weird way, makes me trust you a little bit more, because you were able to tell me something like this at the worst possible time; it shows me that you actually have somewhat of a conscience.”76

“Um, ok, I am having a loss for words, but I truly am sorry that I lied to you, you know this right?”77

“Yeah I guess I do, its cool though, thanks for telling me as soon as you did.”78

“I’m sorry it wasn’t soon enough, I shouldn’t have lied in the first place.”79

“Just stop its ok, were cool.”80

“But this really takes away your trust in me huh? Now I will never have the chance to be with you till the end of never.”81

“Nah, like I said, this gives me more faith in you. And I actually really think I can believe you. But now you can’t go changing you mind and saying you don’t want to be with me, I wont be able to handle that, because I’m opening up to you, letting you in, so you can’t break me, ok?”82

“I won’t.” As Michael said this, he felt his stomach turn. He now realized how much pressure was actually on him. If he failed it would crush her, and she may never want to talk to another guy again. This worried Michael and he began to doubt his ability to stay with one person for the rest of his life, after all he was only sixteen, and hadn’t been with nearly enough women. “Wait.”83

“Wait? What is it?”84

“Does these mean we are like together?”85

“Um, I don’t think so, I mean I want us to be, but you know it doesn’t mean anything.”86

“Crystal, I really care for you and want to be with you always, doesn’t that mean anything?”87

“Yeah it does, but your sixteen, you’re still a kid, and you have no way of coming to me, so it’s not like it is anything.”88

“I’ll find a way to get to you, I promise.” Michael couldn’t stop himself, he wanted to promise these things and wanted them to be meaningful, but deep down he knew that those promises were all doubtful.89

“When you come here, will you lift my burden and set me free?”90

“Of course I will, with thought any hesitation.”91

“Ok, I will wait for you then. I will stop trying to look for a guy for I have found him, actually you have found me.92

“Um..” the reality of all this had finally sank in, Michael knew now that there was no turning back. He had this beautiful older girl, and older virgin, every male’s dream, and she was waiting for him. Michael should have been happy about this, but he wasn’t, because in his heart he knew that it wasn’t right to keep this girl waiting for him, when they are separated by many states. He couldn’t do this to her, he couldn’t feel her mind with false hopes, even if Michael wanted these hopes to be truthful, the fact is he can’t for fill them, no matter how much he wants to. “Don’t wait for me, that’s not right.”93

“What are you talking about, you mean you want me to sleep with other guys?”94

“No I don’t want you to, but I shouldn’t have the power to stop you, cause maybe your right. Maybe I am just a kid who needs more experience. I do want you and only you, but what if something happens between now and then. What if somebody else, more suited for you, finds you, someone who could offer you much more than I ever could?”95

“That won’t happen, cause no one could be better than you, there is something about you that is great, you not like other guys, no matter how much I say you are. I only compare you to them because I’m falling for you.”96

“I have fallen for you too, but you know I can’t offer you anything, I have no money and no life.”97

“You are a great guy, that’s what you have to offer, your heart.”98

“What if there is someone better out there for you, someone with a great personality and tons of money, a house, someone who could promise you a future of happiness.”99

“You so full of shit, first you convince me that you want to be with you, you convince me that you can offer me the world. Then, when I finally accept the fact that you are a great guy, you go and take it all back. I knew you were just like the other guys, screw life and screw you, I’m done with this shit.”100

“What are you talking about, I want to offer the world, but I can’t, I don’t know what is going to happen between now and then. I’m sorry.”101

“Its my fault, I shouldn’t have let you in, I should have listened to my brain instead of my heart, I knew you were a guy, untrustworthy, but still I let you in. I’m so stupid, I don’t deserve to be here.”102

“You do deserve to be here and you deserve much more than I could ever give you, you deserve to live a fascinating life with a great husband who shows you how much he loves you every day.”103

“Screw you, your so full of shit, I’m done.”104

“Done with what?”105

“With you and with life, see since you said that you didn’t want to be with me…”106

“I never said I didn’t want to be with you, I do want to be with you, I just cant, I don’t have the ability to make that happen.”107

“Well say it however you want, it still means you don’t want to be with me. I can’t type anymore, there is blood everywhere, I’m just going to lay here, and hopefully my parents don’t walk in till I’m done.”108

“What are you talking about, what’s going on.” Michael was now confused and worried at the same time, he had no idea what Crystal was doing over there, but was really scared she might be doing something stupid. Michael felt terrible, he hated himself for doing this to another human being, he never meant to hurt anyone, he just wanted to make her happy.109

“I slit my wrist, it’s pretty deep too, I had to keep cutting over and over because at first it hurt a lot, but I just kept thinking about how no one will ever want me, and it got easier.”110

“Wrap it up please, wrap up your wound and go straight to a doctor, please. Please do this for me.”111

“Why should I do anything for you, you’re the stupid ass-hole who did this to me in the first place, besides I don’t want to live, there is nothing to live for anyway, people suck. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be picked on because of you weight. Nobody cared if you were a good person, if you were fat, you were unworthy of being treated like a human, you were a dog.”112

“I’m sorry I was so messed up, I didn’t want to hurt you in any way. And society is stupid, I know they don’t treat people the way they should, but you can’t give in to them. Be strong, don’t take the easy way out, prove them wrong, show the people that you are a great person, please be here to make everyone jealous, show them what they were missing out on.” Michael was now really scared, he wanted to slam his head against the wall for making someone feel this way.113

“You have no idea what it’s like to wake up in the mornings and no that no one would ever care, even notice, if you were gone.”114

“I would care, it would kill me to see some one as spectacular as yourself through your life away. There is still a better future ahead of you. All those people that did all those terrible things to you will get what’s coming to them, but you have to stick around to see it. You have to stay here, in order to find that better future.”115

“Fine, ill wrap myself up and go to the hospital, but on one condition.”116

“Anything.”117

“You have to promise not to talk to me anymore, I can’t deal with this. I cant be alive knowing, that there is a great guy that wants to be with me, but cant because of age limitations and of the distance that is between us. Maybe in time I will be able to block you out of my heart and we can be friends, but that will take time, so you have to promise to give me that time.”118

“So you’re asking me to forget about our closeness, and the romance that we shared.”119

“Yes, it would be too hard if that was all there.”120

“Well I guess it would better for me to have you in my life as a friend, then to not have you in my life at all.”121

“Thank you, this means so much to me, but now I really have to go, I’m feeling dizzy and there is blood everywhere. In case something happens, I love you.”122

“Nothing is going to happen, you will be fine, but I love you too. Now go; go be safe so I get the privilege of talking to you again. I’ll miss you.” 123

“I’ll miss you too, cya.”124

“Cya.”125