A piece of my life

It was tough growing up on the north side of town. Nothing but trailer courts, seedy hotels and the skeletons of businesses that never made it lined the street. It seems only two types of people are produced from this environment, those who exploit and those who are exploited. I would experience both sides of this awful place before I hit the age of fifteen.1

Rotunda was just like any other trailer court you might visit. It had cockroaches, drunks, pedophiles and drug dealers. It stood across the street from a dilapidated motel, and next to another trailer court. It seems no matter which way you turned there was another hell hole. There was an endless supply of older men waiting for the next girl to help grow up too fast, and a lot of girls around who had already been tainted by them, for an eleven year old girl there were endless possibilities to go get in trouble, and that is exactly what I did.2

It all started when Kim came back around. She was quite a bit older than I, seventeen or eighteen maybe even older. She was so worn down by life you could not guess her age to look at her. She too had grown up in the trailer court and like most people who do she eventually came back after moving some years before. She came back looking for someone to be her next meal ticket, and she found me. Eleven year old girls are quite impressionable so I was the perfect choice for what Kim had in mind, which was a fresh young girl for her customers.3

It was just like any ordinary day, I was wandering around the court looking for something to do while my parents were busy partying, when I ran into Kim. I was excited to see her because I had known her before she moved and always looked up to her. She always did her hair so cool, and she was older, I remember wanting to be like her. She began telling me about how these men were buying her clothes and giving her money, and she thought I should hang out with her for the day. I had a bad feeling but was too flattered that Kim actually wanted to hang out with me to care, so when the guy came to pick us up I went. That was when it really dawned on me that Kim was doing things to get what she had; these weren't just nice guys helping her out. I don’t know why but if you have been around a pervert before, it’s like you can just sense them anywhere, and that was my feeling I got as I climbed into that van. My pervert sense went off, and I think my decision to ignore it changed my life forever.4

And so it went, Kim asked me if I wanted to make some money, she said it would be over before I knew it and it would be the easiest sixty bucks I ever made. I reluctantly agreed and Kim called another man to come pick us up, his name was James. He was about fifty five with a big belly and grey hair. While I was no virgin (I did grow up in the court) I was nervous at the prospect of sleeping with someone who was so old, and I didn't even know him. I was thinking to myself I can not do this, no way. Kim felt my apprehension when we pulled up to his house and told him to go inside and wait. We stood there and smoked a cigarette as Kim once again told me how easy this was going to be, and then we could go spend the money. I hung my head so my long bangs concealed my eyes, as well as the rest of my expression...I hoped so, anyway. I didn't want Kim to see how scared I really was. So, I took a deep breath and stepped inside.5

I have never felt as uncomfortable as at that moment, undressing as his hungry eyes wandered over my young, underdeveloped body. I knew this was all wrong, almost threw up in my mouth, but there was no turning back now, lest I look like a coward in front of Kim. When he told me to lie on the bed I did, screaming out inside my head, but no one heard my screams. There was no one to help me; I was all alone in this empty room with just a bed. When he was inside me I just tried not to look at him, instead I tried to think of what fun Kim and I would have when this was all over. It was hard, probably the worst thing that I had done up to that point in my life though other almost equally bad things had been done to me in the past. I had been molested and almost raped, and watched my parents do a lot of drugs, and had already had sex and a lot of other messed up  things had happened, so  I was probably more prepared for it than a lot of other girls my age would be. It didn't change how hard that first time was but after that first time it did get easier. I guess the difference was I was choosing to do this where in the past I had no control of my life.6

After we left James house Kim asked me for the money so she could get something for us. Crack. I got a sick feeling at this because I knew crack was bad. My parents had done a lot of coke but I knew that they would never touch crack. That was what all the people in the motels smoked, it was like the worst drug at that time in the neighborhood. Now Kim wanted me to go spend the money I had just degraded myself for on crack, and I didn't want to smoke it. For some reason I did, I guess looking back I have never been good at following my instinct when I know its right, god forbid some one not like me for a choice I make. Kim had me sleeping with men all the time after that and all we would do is smoke crack. Finally I couldn't take it anymore, and one of many small breaks I’ve got in my life came along. Kim had a sort of boyfriend that was a drug dealer, and he was actually decent compared to everyone else. He didn’t smoke crack and never was around the whole prostitution thing. He knew how old I really was and felt bad for me because deep down he knew what Kim was doing. So when Kim had him watch me one time he gave me a ride to the greyhound station payphone so I could call my mom.7

When my mom answered the phone she couldn't believe it, her daughter who was only twelve and had been gone for months wanted to come home. So she came and picked me up and took me home. I would like to say that everything was fine after that but no, it didn't go that way. I had been hardened by my time on the street and wanted to continue to make money. So, I kept on sleeping with men for money. James, the first one, I actually kept as a customer, but I quit smoking crack and did what I wanted. I ended up running away all the time and quit going to school permanently in the beginning of seventh grade. It went on that way for months, just doing whatever I wanted. Breaking into houses and prostituting, sleeping wherever. Eventually another one of them breaks came when I was thirteen and got arrested. I was charged with everything from possession of cocaine to assault to breaking and entering. About ten charges, the most of any girl my age at that time in Clinton County, which was twelve. The judge was mad because a few times I had been picked up already. Twice I went to the mental hospital, and a few times to the weekend lockup, which are stories all in themselves, so the judge had no mercy. I was sentenced to and served one year in a juvenile facility.8

When I was in the slammer, I always talked about how I was going to turn my life around. I got straight A's and got caught up to the ninth grade. I almost believed I could make it normal when I got out, but was wrong. I went to ninth grade three days, then met a seventeen year old guy named Ron and moved in with him. His family was crazier still than anything I had seen, full of crack heads and child molesters, and a trailer court in itself. But all I had ever wanted was to be on my own and be free, and here no one cared what you were doing. So at fourteen I moved into the basement with this guy and never went back to school. My parents called the cops but they wouldn't go get me for some reason, so I just lived there like it was normal. Then I got pregnant and got really scared. We had no car, I knew he wouldn't work and I was too young to get a job. So of course we started fighting and things got really bad, not that they were good to begin with. All I wanted to do was get away from Ron because I realized what a loser he was, but I also felt stuck with him. So I did what I knew how after the baby was born, look for another guy to take care of me.9

At fifteen I had been with her share of men, over 50, and  had a general idea of what I was looking for, a normal guy with a job and his own house, who could take care of  me and my son.  Through trial and error I found Ron's friend Dave, who also happened to be Ron's step sister’s boyfriend and father of her child. He gave me a ride home one night only we ended up at the Best Western Motel. A couple of weeks later Dave got an apartment and we moved in together. This too was a lucky break for me, but as it seems to go in my life it didn't last. I ended up getting pregnant and he didn't want more kids so I had an abortion. There I go living for others again. He was twenty four and I was only sixteen so we had a lot of problems with the age gap, and still do. Dave was cold hearted and wasn't there for me through the difficult times, like when my father died when I was nineteen, then my grandma died nine months later. His motto was to just get over everything, he would never think of hugging me or not screaming at me for a day. I began to wonder, why it is that every time I try, it's never good enough for him, because nothing I ever did seemed to be.10

That is where this ends, me and Dave have been together going on seven years, and are engaged. Not to say this is a happy ending, because it's not. We still fight all the time and I think stay together because it’s comfortable now. It's easy because I have a man to take care of me and Dave has someone to take care of his kids, cook and clean. Don't feel bad for me and please don't hate me either. There are plenty of years for me to make new chapters in my life, with or without Dave. I am only twenty three, still a chance to make up for so much wasted life. I hope this can fall into the hands of a girl who can be diverted from following this path. Thanks for reading a piece of this girl's life.11