Gothy Valentine's Gift Ideas

Things to get your gothy emo girlfriend for Valentine's Day. Buying her a star from the astronomy registry is good. Not buying her chocolates to make her feel fat and bloated is better. Buying her something sweet and meaningful from the bottom of your heart is best; or at least buying something she absolutely wouldn't shut up about until she dropped it and pouted is best if you haven't forgotten. If nothing else, at least get her some gift certificates from the local comic shop.1

As forewarning, I don't intend to stereotype, just playing around with a caricature. As a boy, a new set of bass guitar strings, a few stolen golf-clubs to go play urban style downtown would just make my day! In fact, I'd be happy with just a spork to eat my chunky stew, or a kiss *cough*grope*cough* and snuggle. For female gothy readers, feel free to drop hints like these gems to your boy if you want him to show you some good fun acts of love. Or instant message me to tell me how off-base I really was in writing this satire. Then go look up the words satire and caricature in your little dictionary.2

Anyways, isn't love about enjoying everything about the one you got for how unique she can be? How you love every little quirk of hers?3

Remember, they might giggle and smile impishly at you, but fishnet-ed gothy girls might be harder then most girls to buy Valentine presents. A heart shaped box of chocolates is a good last ditch effort gift for most girls. But a bleeding, slightly twitching heart will make her shriek, hopefully for joy, at how cute it is. Here are some sure-fire ways to get into her heart without using a scalpel, chisel or chainsaw.4

Pretty rings, shiny sparkly sparkly things like piercings, daggers (blunted) & spiked choker necklaces will warm her heart. For half the price, anything dead will do: seagulls, especially crows and rats, but flat frogs, bats, turtles... use your imagination, as long as it's not an endangered species. She'll love a skull of just about anything besides babies (messy, poor taste and so wrong in most cultures). However, how you decide to make that special gift dead is your problem. Wacking with a golf-club, using draino, throwing hammers, or poisoning are a few popular methods. Just don't let the small children eat the draino bread for the seagull. It's an awful mess, no matter how cute she might think it is that you are complaining, for you to hide the evidence.5

You could surprise her with a visit of her favourite band -- keep them alive and avoid grounds for murder charges. Ductaping hands and legs to the bolted down chairs, pulp fiction style, is a sexy way to contain them with the rubber ball chokers. You wouldn't want to spoil the surprise with shouts of help coming from the closet. If you aren't into kidnappings, get her tickets to that band's next show as long as you don't need to buy two plane tickets too. Take her out to buy a smashing new black outfit, so she's dressed to the sexy nines for the concert.6

Forget $75 for a bouquet of a dozen long stemmed roses. You are usually in serious trouble if you ever have to buy a dozen guilty red roses. Find dead roses that last much longer, especially if you can dip them in lacquer or dye them black. That or dead daffodils. So happy and yellow like plague filled spring, but now are much happier dead. Very sweet of you to think to put them on her pillow when she wakes and screams. Not my fault that you're standing like grinning death over her bed.7

A new gravestone for her garden might make her squeal with delight. Now she'll have a marker to remember better times, when she threw too many rocks at boys. A smashed-in garden gnome always makes a good garden present to remind her of those boys as well. Your neighbours won't mind you borrowing him on permanent loan. The shifty little evil won't feel any pain if you are swift and accurate in throwing a hammer at his head. Those pesky gnomes are dangerous when armed with garden tools; watch your back to beware of his revengeful friends stabbing you with sharpened spades. No danger is too great a price to pay for love.8

A book of tragic poems full of unhappy endings will win over her heart. Bonus points if you manage to break up with her just before Valentine's Day. She can cry her little emo heart out for a while. She might enjoy it. Then come crawling on your knees or climbing to her window and scratch on it to wake her screaming again. What loving boyfriend would risk his neck or knees to freak out his former love? Any better sentiment then to recite sad poetry about his broken heart in the middle of the night? Couldn't think of a better reunion then to make up with her on that special day? Great make up *cough*nookie*cough*. Pancakes for breakfast anyone?9

By the way, breakfast in bed is extra sweet after a romantic night watching B-rate horror romances with her. (if you bother to actually watch the movies or just use them as romantic mood music) Forget the over-commercialized, overpriced and impossible to get reservations for a romantic dinner at the local tacky restaurant. For an cheaper date, eat in at home.10

Light a hundred candles all over the kitchen after making her favourite food and call it your last meal together. When she asks why, pathetically tell her that you finally realized what better day to internally bleed to death. Lament that you aren't worthy of her love. So *cough*deathbed*nookie*cough* enjoy your time together, because you never know when, despite love eternal, at death do you part.11

Why bother with making Valentine's Day the only day you actually pay all the attention in the world to her? Shouldn't every day be good day to make her feel special? Un-Happy Valentine's Day.12