Sarah was going home after a terrible day at work. It had been the most horrible month she had ever lived, or could imagine anyone living. Her mother died of cancer, after battling with it for two years. Her father was killed in a car accident, two weeks before. Her brother was doing drugs, and was badly addicted to Cocaine and Heroin, he lost his temper every time anyone wanted to talk to him about it and every time Sarah refused to give him money to buy more. Sarah’s sister, Jessica had committed suicide a week ago, because she could not take it anymore and today Sarah got fired from the one thing that was keeping her alive, the one thing that was making her hold on and struggle through this unbearable life, her job. 1
It began raining and the sun had already set. There was a full moon but it was hidden behind the thick clouds. There was the rustling of the leaves in the trees around her. She had to pass next to a small forest to get home. The forest was always safe but no one ever dared to go there at night because it looked very creepy. She was angry and was thinking of what to do with herself. They had taken away her father’s hunting rifle after he died, so no one would use it for any reason. She was thinking of cutting herself with a kitchen knife. Wondering what it was like to see blood drip. She had been through hell and too much pain, so would cutting hurt her more? Or would it relieve her? She wanted to know. She thought nothing could hurt after all she has been through. All the downs she had gone through. There were very few ups in her life. She had had enough! Just then, the wind began blowing wildly and it howled like never before. But Sarah was not afraid, nor did she even stop at all. She did not believe anything could scare her now, but she was wrong. She walked on, but the wind blew harder, it blinded her and she could not look ahead. She decided to go into the forest, where the trees would decrease the intensity of the wind. She passed through the gate – which was only a couple of meters away from where she was standing wiping her eyes – and got inside the forest. It was dark but she managed to see by the faint street-lights outside the forest. She went on, at a slower pace, because the forest was getting muddier by the rain. The rustling of the wind and the echoing of the leaves. The swaying of the branches and the shivering of the bushes, everything sounded very loud, clear and scary. Sarah, however, was still thinking about death, pain and blood. She wanted to do something reckless and irresponsible, like killing or using a cutter to hurt her bad-tempered brother or slitting somebody’s throat or least of all robbing someone’s house! She welcomed death too, but would not take her own life.2
Still she walked on, with these evil thoughts in her head, ignoring the wind and all her surroundings. What she failed to notice and so continued to ignore was a pursuer. A man had been following her for about a quarter of an hour now. His heart pounding like a beating drum, but the wind covered the sound. He followed her lightly and swiftly. Finally, he stopped following her and jumped in front of her. She was surprised and let out a shriek, that no one ever heard. There was a streak of lightning and she got a quick glimpse of the man’s appearance. He was taller than she was, about 1.80 cm. He had dazzling green eyes that seemed to shine in the light of the lightning bolt. His clothes were all black and he was rather attractive. He looked about twenty-five to thirty years of age. She stood in front of him and did not say anything. It was a few moments as they studied each other. He could hear her heart and her breathing. She was calmer now and he thought she was rather brave. 3
“Can I help?” she finally said.4
“Yes, I was hoping you’d give me some food” the man said.5
“Sure, if there is anything left at home” she said in a bored tone.6
So, they walked on. The forest became darker and she was stopping more often to look around. 7
“Where on earth is the exit gate. It can’t be that far” she said, she was rather confused and annoyed. “Why won’t these clouds move away a bit and give me some light?” she said aloud, looking up at the sky. The rain had stopped by now.8
“So why are you in the forest? And why do you look so stressed out?” the man asked. 9
Sarah told him her story. He was rather taken aback by all what had happened to her. 10
“You are more of a broken and shattered soul!” He said after she had finished telling him everything.11
“You can say that I suppose.” She muttered.12
As they came to a clearing, the man grabbed her by her arm and said, “I’m sorry, I’m me. I’m sorry I’m this way! Please forgive me” and in a second his once handsome face had changed. His canines had grown and he looked evil and hungry. 13
“Don’t be sorry! Take my life away and rid me of it for eternity. You deserve life more than I do!” Sarah said, her expression had changed from surprise to gratefulness. “You will grant my wish. My only wish, is to leave this world! Rid me of this life, I beg you!” 14
The man looked at her for another moment, rather surprised, and finally bit her neck. she felt his teeth enter her skin. She felt him absorbing and drinking her blood. It was the best feeling she had had in a long time. She held on to his neck as he drank her. Her breathing was heavy as she was dying. “Finish me!” she whispered and as soon as he was done she broke her neck and ended her painful life.15
“I’m glad I could be of service” he said, “Thank you for giving me a longer life. I’m glad I could end someone’s pain.”16
He walked away leaving her dead body behind, he took one last look at her and disappeared through the dark trees.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 50 of 50
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Wow you lyke your horror ey? lol. I thought i'd check ur stuff, seeing as you have been so kind as to leave lovely long comments on my "Naughty stories" as you call them
This is cool, I'd be lying if I said I was into horror cus I'm not but this is really cleverly written, the empathy you feel for the guy is really effective and really TTL. I'ts realistic because it shows that people who kill, even in a fantastical context, arn't always cold blooded arseholes, that they have their reasons just like everyone. Thanks for writing this, it is a mad ass story keep up the good work. Love always, Zandy
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good story, plot might have been a little too convoluted though, think about cutting down on the womans past, add a little mystery, be a little ambiguous.
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wow, great job! i really liked this story. its sad that someone could have so much pain in their life and wanted to end it so much, but i did like this story. thanks for giving me the opportunity to read it and keep writing!
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Pas mal
You did an ok job. not to sound like an ass but i had a hard time understanding the plot.
Personaly i think you spent too much on her and not enough on the world around her, as i read it, it just sort of felt like i was reading a book. Why her life is crap just didnt really speak to me, it didnt draw me and and say 'wow, that really does suck.' try to express a little more with the world she is in. Its mythological fantasy what ever you want to call it, just give more incite into her world, and less into her thoughts and actions. and for the area's that are about her, try to ring in some powerful words that evoke emotion. granted i am a bit gruesom myself and i would have said somehting like, her sister ended up slitting her throat in a bathtub because she didnt want to go on anymore.
Details are what helps to push things.
the vampire thing was to be expected in my opinion. i would leave out the ' hear her heart beat' section to really help the reader think that he is something else.
Also a bit of incite into his world would be good to..
this is all just my thoughts, so take em or leave em
best of luck
beginning: 1, language: 3, plot: 1, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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This is decent, but I have trouble really making much sense of the plot. You spend a lot of time (kind of overboard) making clear all the reasons why this woman's life is terrible. and then you relate how she is angry and is contemplating some violent things. However, i'm never really convinced that she desires death. the sentiments you give her seem rather confused too, because it mentions her thinking about killing other people or hurting herself, but not wanting to actually kill herself. yet at the end she welcomes death with no struggle, no violence, and calm compliance and happiness. it just doesnt' seem to quite fit, though on an extremely basic level i guess it makes sense.
also, you could use a lot more elaboration and description to make the scene come alive and to make it more believable. not only that, but the dialogue is rather abrupt and awkward and hard to imagine as real discourse. simply put, your characters (the woman and the hastily written-in vampire being the only real two) are not very interesting.
at any rate, i dont mean to say that i thought it was terrible. it has its merits. the concept of a depressed person contemplating suicide meeting up with a vampire has potential i suppose. i feel like the ending is just a beginning, though, not just the end. like another person said, wouldn't she rise as a vampire, not simply die?
anyway, keep working on your writing, it shows possibility.beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 1.
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Mediocre
But she won't really die, right? She'll become a vampire herself.
You should do more showing than telling.
I noticed some tense shifting.
Second paragraph is too long. Break it up.beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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I went throught the story again and adjusted some stuff. However, she is dead! He broke her neck after he was done. (Ever heard of what the one who writes the story wants? I want her dead)
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The second paragraph has some missing words, little words like was and is. Also at the end you have 'she where it should be 'he'.
This was a good piece. I've noticed not only with yours but with mine and so many more that when describing a scene we leave out smell and taste. Touch, and sound are what we connect with so they are easier to describe. I find myself going over my own stuff inserting smell. I have yet to put taste in there unless it's a eating scene.
Just some little suggestions. Hope this could be of some help.
~Syren~
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Thank you of reading and commenting. I'm glad you liked it. I'll go over the second paragraph and correct it. Thankyou for pointing it out.
Nooni
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interesting & intriguing
you could embellish the story by creating this particular vampire who only kills those who want to die, that maybe they come to him in his slumber and he travels all over the world killing those who want to be killed. i love vampire stories and this was as good as any i have read here at storywrite - although it wasn't particularly scary.beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, overall: 6, ending: 4, characters: 5.
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amazing
this story had me glued to my seat and then the shocker that he was a vampire lol. i love anything that has to do with them as vampire movies are one of my favorites for some reason. i am glad that you told me about this and i really hope to see more like it from you. keep it up.......~Scentedangel78~ -
Well i said so between brackets. The contest allowed stories as well as poems, so i had to enter this a poem for now, i will change it later though.
It is a short story, not a poem.
Thankyou for reading and glad you liked it
Nooni -
I like this my only complaint is its more like a short story than a poem....
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Thankyou sooo much WATCH YOU BURN... I'm really speechless.. and thankyou seems very small right now
I'm really glad you enjoyed reading my story and found it 'new' or interesting.
Thankyou for the applause and the comment and all was highly appreciated.
Nooni -
W00T W00T
Whoa, thats so awesome! It's like vampire-ish.. everything took a different turn with the vampire.. I was expecting him to be like... a serial killer? or a raper? or something -lol- but thats awesome! I love vampires! Great Job! Keep it up! -
thankyou sooo much Tears of Ice
i'm glad you enjoyed reading my story.. thankyou for your lovely commentary.. yeah the death of the whole family did seem a bit far-fetched.. i could spare some one..
Thankyou for reading and i'll get your poems soon. -
good
cool. i like it. i wasn't expecting him to be a vampire. i though.. stalker. weirdo.something like that.i love how she is gratefull for him taking her life instead of scared. i love the "She held on to his neck as he drank her." that was a cool line. one thing i would change, is how EVERYONE in her life died in the same month. i can understand one parent and the siblings, but 2 parents and both the siblings IS a LITTLE hard to believe. idk thats just my opinion. anyway i like it alot as i always love your writing and i hope to see more by yoU!
Tears of ice
i would appreciate it if you would comment on any of my poems.. i don't really care. one of the more recent ones is preferable! thanks so much and good luck in the contest! -
at first i thought he was a werewolf... those are my favorite... i would love be one. if it were possible... vampires are cool too... but he could of let her live, and she could have been one too.
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Your descriptive writing kept my interest for a long time, but I am sorry that it ended as a vampire story... maybe for a non contest re write you could make it end differently. It is a great piece of writing.
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Good story, not the usual vampire story, something I'm grateful for, far to many of those. You've done well telling her pain and desire to die, but I do have a few suggestions. Vary your sentences a bit more, there were to many that eith began with "She" or just sounded the same. Add some more variety to them. And also you have some grammar issues as well as a few missed words, but nothing major. Other than those few things this is a great write. It has a good ending as well. I found it really interesting how she expressed gratitude towards the vampire for ending the life she wouldn't: hers.
Good piece. -
thankyou soo much ForeverIluv
i'm really glad you liked it.. thankyou for your lovely comment, it is highly appreciated
Nooni -
I really liked it. An interesting story you have here. One that had great imagery. It was very good. Nice Job on this story.
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thankyou BeautifulMemory
glad you enjoyed reading my story... I adore ANGEL too.. although i am less fond of Buffy lol.. i kinda like Willow and i like Xander/Zander and Don lol
anyways thankyou for reading and commenting..
Nooni -
Heheh what a dark story!! it made me really sad!! crafitly written though! and I'm seeing alot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer!!! <3 I LOVE BUFFY AND ANGEL! i'm a buffy geek!! hah a
great story though i'm intested for more -
Hi – no I don’t follow Angel or Buffy, although my daughter does at time – I was actually revering the real vampires from Lichtenstein . . . not the fairytale ones from Hollywood - Haha – The sort that you have to drive a stake through to get rid of them.
Albert.
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thankyou soo much Echo
glad you liked my poem.. thankyou for the lovely comment, it is highly appreciated
Nooni -
thankyou for reading my story Albert.. based on my knowledge Vampires make a special burial so that the new Vampire could live. Most vampires tend to kill lol (didn't you watch Angel and Buffy?? )
Glad you liked it and thankyou for commenting
Nooni -
This is an interesting story - but not knowing much about Vampires – I thought that if they bit you instead of dying you lived forever – sleeping in the day and waking at night – Albert.
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Great story
Very good dark story, it had me captivated to the end. . . I like how you ended with the man being a caring vampire granting a woman's only wish. One soul. . . helping another
Good Luck in the Contest
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thankyou sooo much Kris
i'm really glad you liked my story and enjoyed reading it..
Sorry you had to read it twice.. is there anything not clear??
Thankyou for the lovely commentary and applause .. it is highly appreciated
Nooni -
WOW
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wow this is really good! I just had to read it twice just to fully understand it(tells you how stupid I am ) I love the way sarah seemed eager to leave her life! First it caught me off guard but then after reading it agian i understood it. I also love the part where the "man" apologizsed to sarah. and then the way he changed in frount of her! I love this story.. good job and i plan on reading more of you stuff!
love lots,
*kris* -
Thankyou soo much Viyanna for reading my poetry and my story.. i'm really pleased that you liked it. Take your time replying to my stuff.. and the book sounds cool!!!
Thankyou for your lovely commentary and the applaud. they are highly appreciated...
Keep on writing and reading! 
Nooni -
up until the last paragraph or two, i thought you had moved in to my life. it was quite amazing. you left me very grateful that i do not know any vampires. that would not have been good for me during the time i needed to be spared. you did such a great job on this story. i am really sorry that i have been taking so long to redpond to all your comments. i have been working on the layout for my first book and have been so busy. know that they are not going unappreciated and that i am trying to get back to you as soon as possible. thank you for always being too kind. viyanna r lagager
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This is a rather interesting story. Although, I was confused on what she got fired from? If you had entered that into the story I could have focused more on the rest than wondering what it was. I am not a huge fan of vampire stories. I find that Vampires are quite evil (I watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer show too often lol: I have all the seasons and the movie). But, yeah This was good for the most part.
Hugs Nicole xoxoxoxo -
Heroin = the drug
Heroine = a female hero. -
Although I'm not realy into vampire stories.Bela scared me senseless.This has a strong story line.But could go into a longer one on her demise being only the painful begining of life on the darkside eternal.Boo!Good write.~~Suseann
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Thankyou soo much CyanideNightMare for your lovely commentary on my story. the line "“I’m sorry, I’m me. .. Please forgive me”" these were one of the words or lines i was supposed to use in the story or i could have chosen other things but i chose those...
anyways thankyou for reading and i'm really glad you liked it
Nooni -
Oh my god . . . This just blew me away. I love vampires . . . and I hate that more often then not . . . they are portrayed as wicked . . . soullest . . . heartless . . . remorseless creatures of the night . . . who prey on the weak and strong alike . . . care nothing for the consequences . . . and feel no pain for their deeds. You did a great job on this story, hunn! You added a twist to the end. I love that the vampire says:
“I’m sorry, I’m me. I’m sorry I’m this way! Please forgive me”
It shows that there is some remorse . . . some honest to God human compassion left in a soul that must exist to be so sorri. Also, I like the fact that you included:
“Thank you for giving me a longer life. I’m glad I could end someone’s pain.”
It adds to the effect of compassion and sorrow by thanking her for helping him not to hate himself. For allowing him to take her life instead of fighting against him . . . even though he knows he must . . . no matter what. This was an incredibly creative and honestly . . . mindblowing piece . . . I'm just blown away. Thank you soooo much for sharing this with all of us on allpoetry!!! Yay! -
Horrifyingly delicious ;)
Hey Nada! Amazing story! I loved it. I was taken aback near the end, when the man in the forest was a Vampyre. Oh, My, Gosh! Hahaha, That was a great bedtime story lol, I'm proud of you! Your first story 'eh?! That's amazing. I'm glad I was able to have this opportunity to read such a great one. I'm not that great of a fan of Vampyre stories on AP because it's really a rarity to find one worth the read, but the fact that you didn't reveal he was a Vampyre until the end was just... SO WORTH IT! I loved it. ^_^ Poor Sarah. Her life was miserable. I like how the main character died at the end of the story. I like the element of finish off all the main characters in a story or book. Maybe you just got a glimpse into the ending of my book? o.O lol. (I'm writing a book and I'm 36 chapters into it lol) Anyway, I loved this, and I'm not surprised that I do. I love and appreciate all the work that you write.
Great job, and keep up the amazing work because I enjoy reading this great art.
Take Care,
x PatientGrace x
Jasmine
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thnkx again Shadow, why don't u book mark it?
Keep on READING
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BEYOND GREAT!!!
im baq!!!! lol! i liked your story so much i had to come baq and read it one more!!! lol i know some times i can over exadurate but htis was a very good story!!! i loved it!!!ooh and your welcum u do deserve it!!!
Edited on Feb 09, 7:21 p.m. because ''. -
thankyou sooo much Shadow.. i am really speechless after your lovely comment on my story.
Thankyou for applauding it too... I just posted it today.. so i hope i win.. and if i don't .. i thankyou soo much for the encouragement
Nooni -
thankyou my dear Karla... thankyou soo soo much
Glad you enjoyed reading it...
it is highly appreciated
Nooni -
I LOVE IT
Terrific story, compelling writing...good luck in the contest, you should win in my opinion. BRAVA!
(((HUGS))) and love, Karla. -
BEYOND GREAT!!!
oooooohhhhhh mmmmmyyyyyy gggggoooooddddd!!! this peice os writing was so fucking awsum!!! it has to be one of the best things i have read in a very long time!!! it was like keeping me on the edge of my seat trying to figure out what was gonna happen next n who da guy was n everything!@!! whoa! this story is deep and i like it very much! u have so much talent for writing because not just anyone can write a tale like this one is writin! the words are so strong and powerful and have so much means put in the!!! wow im am asstounded!@!! great story n i hope u never ever give up on writing!!! did u win the contest because with a peice like this u deserve to!!! keep it up!!! -
thankyou soo much CelticMoon
glad you liked my story, thankyou for reading and commenting. It is highly appreciated
Nooni -
I've always been a fan of vampire stories and you did an awesome job with this one. Your words and flow through the story are just great. You should be proud of yourself.
Excellent job!
Blessings
celticmoon -
hey thankyou sooo much
glad you liked ... i'm speechless...
thankyou for your lovely commentary
Nooni -
this is awesome!!! omgosh its great! i've never really been a fan of vampire storys but i loved this one. and i loved the way you worked the words into it. amazing job. thankyou so much for entering and good luck!
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