The new roof

“How about the ocean floor?”1

“No way.  You know I don’t like the sea.  The idea of being on the ocean floor just creeps me out and always makes me feel like I need to hold my breath.”2

“But it is so colorful.  I just love watching all those schools of fish floating by.”3

“You forgot about the sharks.”4

“Darn, yes I did.  Okay Stan, not the ocean floor then.”5

“The mountains would be nice.  You know Ethel that they gave us the added feature on that option, which includes a nice pine scent with that great fresh mountain air.”6

“Hmmm, let me think about it,” Ethel replies as she sits on their living room couch flipping through the instruction booklet with their newly installed Environmental Wizard device.  While she does that her husband is fusses over the controls.7

“All I can say is that I hope this gadget works as great in our house as it did in that showroom display.”8

“I can’t see why it wouldn’t.  We did buy the deluxe model with all the extra features.  So we just need to choose and let the device transform the inside of our house into a three dimensional location of our choice.  It was so incredible how they were able to do this whole new technology and install it into the new roof we needed anyway so the whole inside of your house can be turned into a forest, park or just about whatever place you want.  Well that is as long as it is an option in their program choices of course.  I love the way they were able to program the whole system through our alarm keypad.  Imagine those possibilities.  You can, not only turn the alarm on, but have it so the inside of your house looks like a jungle or somewhere else at the same time.  I really love that choice.”9

“Thank you very much for the update.  Like I didn’t know that already.  Maybe you ought to take up doing commercials for them?”10

“Come on dear, I’m just saying you know this is really something special.”11

“It better be for what it cost us.”12

“Then we better try it out right?”13

“Okay.  Hey Ethel, what was that desert code again?”14

“Let me check.  Oh here it is.  They call it ‘Sunset Sand.’  It’s kind of clever don’t you think?”15

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.  What’s the code?”16

“485.”17

Sid presses the numbers on the keypad and then hits enter.  Suddenly it is as if their living room has disappeared and they are standing in the desert at sunset.  The only thing still visible from their living room is the alarm pad.  It does appear to be floating in mid air, but otherwise you truly feel like you are in desert.  He looks over at his wife who is sitting on a boulder that earlier was their love seat.  “Not bad.  Not bad at all.”18

“I’ll say.  This is really amazing.  It’s so, um, picturesque.”19

“Yeah I agree I reckon we got our money’s worth with this thing.”20

“Honestly Sid do you always have to reduce everything down to dollars and sense.  Why can’t you enjoy the shear aesthetic joy something gives?”21

“Sometimes I really hate the fact that I married a woman who majored in art in college.”22

“Turn it off Sid.  You’re ruining the mood.”23

“Not just yet.  I want to test the alarm feature.”24

“Not with ME in the room you’re not.  You how I feel about —”25

“I know.  Well it can’t wait.  In the meantime you want to try the mountain option.”26

“Okay. But swear you won’t pull a fast one and turn on the alarm feature or anything.”27

“I promise,” Sid says, having memorized its code since he loved the mountains.  He hits the numbers on the keypad.  Admittedly the gremlin in his nature wants to test out the alarm enhancer, but the one thing he doesn’t enjoy is getting on Ethel’s bad side.  So he’ll wait till a later date.28

Meanwhile, the scene changes and the inside of the house becomes a huge mountain forest.  In the trees one can even hear the sound of birds singing.  Sid is impressed.  That wasn’t even mentioned in the instruction book, but it is a nice touch.  He’ll not complain about any free extras.29

Ethel sits back and closes her eyes.  Let Sid worry about details like costs and accessories.  Sitting on a tree stump, she sips upon her glass of wine and tries to let the idea of being in a forest truly seep so far into her soul.  Slowly she begins to detect the sound of a stream rushing by beyond the forest.  It makes her smile.  The sound is a blessing.  It truly adds to her artist’s sense of joy.  However she won’t mention it to Sid.   All that will do is inspire him into another monologue about bargains.  God she hates being married to such a practical man with no artistic spirit.  But at least he makes the kind of money that allows them to enjoy this kind of luxury.30

Sid stands before the keypad weeks later and sighs.  Then he groans, “I wonder if I can sell this thing and get enough back to keep from losing money?”31

“What was that dear?”32

He looks back at Ethel who is picking up the empty appetizer trays from the dining table.  Then he says, “Oh I was just wondering if I could sell this climate package and break even?”33

“Sell it?  What on earth for?  I thought you loved it?”34

“Oh I did, well for a while.  But you know after we showed it off to all our friends and we tried all the settings and upgrades I just am kind of bored with it.  The fun has sort of evaporated.”35

Ethel shakes her head.  “I had a feeling you would get around to that sooner or later.”36

“Why do you say that?”37

“Because I think you never really liked it that much in the beginning.  I was the one who was so adamant about trying it.  So I guess I’m not all that surprised.”38

“Then I guess you have no complaint about me getting rid of it then?”39

“Actually I do.  I love being able to change environments whenever I want.  And I don’t want to try and sell it.”40

Sid smirks.  He figures it isn’t worth arguing over.  When Edith gets in this mood he knows there is no point of talking to her.  However, he’ll wait a while longer.  After all he knows his wife.  The one thing he can be sure about is that sooner or later some other toy will come along that will get her attention.  Then she’ll be bugging him about buying it.  If he makes her choose between this toy and one that is new he knows what the answer will be.  So for the moment he’ll accept keeping the thing.  Plus he does admit that when it is in the alarm mode it does give security a whole different meaning.41

“See I told you there would be nobody home,” a man in his early twenties says to his partner as they sit in a van on Sid and Ethel’s street.  They are studying homes for possible burglary.  It is something they have done plenty of times before in different neighborhoods and they have learned in suburbia that day time during the week is a prime opportunity to find places to rob.42

“Yeah Chuck, that house there looks like it has real possibilities,” his partner Eddie comments while pointing at Sid and Ethel’s house.  “Nobody keeps a yard in that condition unless they also got plenty of really cool stuff inside.”43

“Are you going to start with that lawn thing again?  Jeez, I keep telling you that it doesn’t matter.”44

“Oh yeah, well tell me once that it hasn’t been true?”45

Chuck doesn’t say a word.  In his gut he thinks it is a load of crap.  He just can’t prove it.  But he does agree that the house looks promising.  “Let’s get to it,” he says, while opening the door to the van.46

They look both ways and then walk into the yard.  Moving along the side of the house the head for the back door where they will be out of view of the neighbors.  “Darn it, they got a burglar system.”47

“So?”  Chuck says, removing his little electronic device that he uses on alarm systems.48

“It just slows us down that’s all,” Eddie comments as he takes out his little locksmith kit for unlocking doors.49

“Like it really matters.  We got plenty of time.”50

“Hey this place it really weird on the inside,” Eddie says as he stares through the window.51

“What do you mean?”52

“It’s like some desert inside.  I mean it is really cool and all, just not what you would expect for somebody’s living room.  I bet it means they got something really incredible in there.53

“Again with that nonsense.”54

“Look Chuck will you give me a break here.  I mean nobody goes to the trouble to fix up the inside of their house like that and fill it with cheap crap, right?”55

“I guess.  Okay let me try this alarm thing and see how I do.  Hmmm, this one is really different.  It’s has some weird crap included that has nothing to do with the alarm feature.”56

“Can you shut off the alarm or what?”57

“I don’t know that I can disarm it for very long, but I think I can figure a way to sort of defeat it long enough for us to get inside and poke around and then grab whatever and leave.  Ah, there we go, it’s off for a couple of minutes.”58

“That’s not very long.”59

“It will have to do.”60

Eddie uses his little device to unlock the door and the go inside.  They start looking around and all they find is desert decor, including cactus and tumbleweeds.61

“Oh no.”62

“What?”63

“The alarm reset itself.”64

“You’re kidding.”65

“I wish I was, but it did.  Well this was a waste of time.  We better get out of here even with the alarm on.  I’m sure we can drive away before the cops come.”66

Eddie turns to leave and then they hear the high-pitched sound of the alarm pad going off.  Before they know it, there are huge rattlesnakes falling from the ceiling and repeatedly bite them.   Seconds later, they both die of heart attacks from believing the snakes that were real, unaware that they were simply apart of the illusion of the climate and alarm systems.67

By nighttime, Sid and Ethel return home from their short trip.  Sid turns off the alarm system using his remote control device.  They have no idea as they reach the front door that a new decoration of a macabre and truly gruesome sight has been added to their living room floor.68