What a shallow death I've weaved

Gods, once again, Mother was drunk! It was the second time this week that she had gone out, coming back smelling worse than a bloody distillery. 1

Also, it was another countless time where she also brought a man home, and, of course, he despised me straight away. None of her male whores liked me. I was always in the way, always disfigured, too much even to look at them. It was all Mother's fault, my life wouldn't be so bad if she didn't beat me. It was her fault I was so repugnant, because she beat me with a broken beer bottle once. She hit me hard across the face with it, leaving a gash about an inch deep; almost 4 inches in length that required 20 stitches, and two scars. The physical one which I'll bear forever. Also the other scar, psychological, which will set deep in my soul for a very long time.2

I approached her tonight, wanting to be heard this time, not being beaten for a wrong I hadn't done.3

Mother looked up at me, squinting, as if trying to see through a fog.4

"What are you thinking Mother?! You're supposed to be understanding, loving, and take care of your child! Instead you don't do anything except beat me up and then go out to a goddamn bar to get hammered!"5

That was stupid? Yes, I know, it was very idiotic of me to go up against a crazy drunken woman. I was at the point where I didn't care, if she wasn't going to care about me, then I wouldn't put up with her. Ha, this time she didn't even bother waiting for her new toy to leave, took a beer bottle and smashed it right there, not caring that she'd just wasted a perfectly good beer. Then that drunken slut stood up, backing me against the wall while swinging that sharp-edged bottle. The man ran out of the room, but she didn't notice. We were having a tiger fight, screw the cats, I had a switchblade on me and was just cutting and stabbing any part of her I could get at; she was doing the same with her beer bottle. She ended up winning, so there I was, bleeding my life out on the floor while she bent over me, breathing heavily. Gods, I wanted to just bleed to death right there on the floor, I was so sick of life. She watched with blank eyes as I took my switchblade and stabbed myself in the chest, somewhere in the vicinity of a lung I'd think.6

"Bye Mom, I hope you burn in hell." I told her, my vision going black, I could hear sirens in the distance. That man must have called the police. I just wondered why he'd do that if he hated me, ah well, at least he was good for something. Besides, if she wouldn't burn at least she'll rot in prison. I pull the knife from my chest as blood swells into my mouth. I cough it out onto the floor, my hearing fading slowly. She starts to tear, coming out of her stupor and dropping to her knees beside me.7

"My little girl, my baby, I'm sorry, please don't die...I'll give you such a better life, I'm sorry-" she tells me, her voice hitching in her throat as tears bleed freely from her eyes. She holds me close to her, sobbing into my hair. This was a mother I remembered from when I was young, such...a caring...mother. 8

I cough again, everything slowly dropping off into the endless darkness.9

Now I'd miss her, but she was still a bitch to me, so before I died, I used the rest of my strength to slap her hard across the face.10

"Don't you dare....don't you dare shed tears for me you fucking bitch!" I tell her, my hand falling back down to my side as the last few breaths start to leave my body. "You...made my life...hell. Now you must suffer." I coughed one more time, pretty crimson staining my hand as I take my hand away from my mouth. Ha ha, such a pretty crimson and, I, so tired, death was just a deeper form of sleep. Permanent sleep, yes. I surrendered myself to fall into the darkness then, along with the lingering sounds of my mother's crying that chased me.11

Just the only life12

Draining into death's time clock13

No more tears are shed14

While bodies sleep in their 15

beautiful ivory caskets16

Dreaming of flight and falling17

I wouldn't miss this life, only hope for a better one.18

Just let my sleep be eternal.19