Tout Que J'ai Besion Est Vous 34

it had been almost a week and Gerard still wasn't talking to you. no one was talking to you and insanity was begining to set in. Gerard wouldn't even stay int the same place long enough for you to say 'hi' 1

*will you stop ignoring me Gerard. You’re breaking my heart.*2

*if your heart was broken, you’d be dead.*3

*How can I prove to you that I would never cheat on you?*4

*You can’t*5

*I’ll play Russia Roulette.. Will that prove it?* he replied with silence. You just rolled your eyes and left the bus. walking to a security guard.6

*I’ll show you my boobs if you’ll let me borrow your gun.* the WOMAN security guard stared at you. The nodded her head. Well you can’t play Russian roulette without a gun. You lifted your shirt and bra and flashes her for a moment or two. She grinned and gave you the gun.7

*Oh, I’m not going to hurt anyone. You can even stand outside of the bus. I’m going to prove something to my boyfriend.* the lady smiled and followed you to the bus and waited outside. 8

*I’m back. And I have a gun.* Gerard looked over you obviously getting over his alcoholic stupor. 9

*What’s that for?*10

*Russian roulette. I’ll shot the gun off three times. Directly to my temple. And I won’t flinch. Believe me I didn’t kiss him. He kissed me.* you said Gerard rolled his eyes. *The safety if off. Here look for yourself.* you  held it up for Gerard to see. He looked up and kept watching TV. *Okay. One bullet….there you go. Gerard. Spin it.* Gerard reached his hand out and spun the six shooter’s bullet wheel. You looked at him. *I’m really going to do it.* Gerard turned around and looked at you finally. *Turn the TV off.* you asked him and he obliged. You  looked him in the eye and placed the barrel to your temple. *Three…two..* you pulled the triggered and nothing happened. You sighed. One down.11

*ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?!* Gerard screamed at his took the gun away from you. 12

*NO I’M AN INNOCENT ERSON AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I COULD DIE RIGHT HERE AND HAVE ACLEAR CONSCIENCE! Besides. I still have one more go to prove to you that I love you and would never do anything to hurt you.*13

*If you die. You’ll hurt me more than anything.*14

*Then you should have believed me.* you snatched the gun out of his hands and spun the bullets again. *I love you.* you pulled the trigger again….nothing. Gerard pulled the gun away from your hand and held you in his arms his eyes clenched tight. 15

*stop.* his voice was just a whisper. You stood there  not even hugging him trying not to cry. you pushed him off of you.16

*NO I HAVE ONE MORE SHOT. DON’T YOU WANT ME TO PROVE THAT YOU’RE ALL I HAVE. THAT I COULD DIE WITHOUT. THAT THERE’S NOTHING IN THIS WORLD KEEPING ME HERE?*17

*No…please don’t. I know you don’t have anything. I know you love me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry just don’t do it anymore please. Don’t please.* he had gotten hold of you and held you to his chest letting the gun fall to the floor. *Don’t ever try to prove anything that way again. Not to me. Not to anyone. Promise me you won’t.* you stared at him. And you closed your eyes and started to cry.18

*I promise.* you gasped out. *I’m sorry. How many times do I  have to tell you?*19

*You never had to tell me. I already knew you were. I just didn’t think that you’d try to prove it to me that way.* you looked at him.20

*Plus cleaning the blood and gore would be expensive.* you laughed a bit and popped out the wheel showing that the bullet was the next to go off.21

*Yeah.* he kissed you on the forehead but never let  you go.22

*Did you count the clicks like me?* you laughed 23

*Yes. And I’m glad I was right.* he get you go.24

*ok.* You  picked up the gun and walked outside. And saw the security guard.\ *Here you go. My boyfriend though that six shots only actually have five and I just had to prove him wrong/1* you smiled and handed the lady her gun and walked back up the stairs and back into the arms of Gerard.  You both lay in your bunk for a few moments.25

*Why did you get the idea to play Russian Roulette?* you bit your lips at the memories you had when you were deep in the land of drugs.26

*Well, when I was really into drugs I lived in a drug house were we’d all scrounge up a lot of money and one person would go out and get as much crack as possible and bring it back for everyone to share. And even though we were junkies we still had a bit of control over what we did. There was a girl named Carla who was dating a guy named Darin , they had gone out to get the drugs and once they got home we all got high as usual and when we all got sober again. Darin found Carla in bed with this other junkie named Harry. Well you see Darin had watched Carla do drugs and before he passed out he swore that she was fine and wasn’t even high at all. So he devised a plan that the two of them would play Russian roulette and that if she didn’t do it. Then she was unfaithful and that she wasn’t high and that she fucked him on purpose.  So they played Russian roulette. Well where’d they get the gun? Well if you live in a drug house there’s always a chance that some fuckers will come to take up the stash. And that the fact is when you do and sell drugs f course your going to make enemies. It was there for lack of better term. It was there for protection. Well anyways back to the story. So they played. And we all thought it was a joke. Until Clara pulled the trigger after 4 turns. Her blood sprayed everywhere. On the walls on the ceiling. On me. I don’t know how hard I screamed but I did. And Darin who loved her so much was counting the clicks. But he was off by one. He was going to kill himself but instead she did. And he was distraught searching everywhere for the extra bullet. He found one and shot himself no bull shit. We all panicked and left the house but they were my friends. They helped me get what I wanted and I met them hitchhiking to California. We were all about the same age. Who’d ever think that a 17 year old would be so insistent to prove she loved someone? Well I didn’t know what to do so I grabbed the drugs and ran down the street I sold some of it and used a pay phone to call 911. I told them that ‘ I was walking my dog and I heard to gun shots. ‘ I gave then the address and I waited there but pretended to be a homeless person sitting in the alley. I remember one of the police officers asked me if I had seen anyone or heard anything. I replied in Spanish. ‘que?’ over and over again and tried to sound as stupid as possible. The officer was like “Bang?” you hear a bang?” he was pointing at me then at his ear and them made a stupid little and motion. And then I said. “SI! SI! Bang! Bang!” then pointed to the house. I still have Carla’s address. I promised her that if anything happened that I would go to her mom and tell her about everything. She lived in Montana.* Gerard thought for a moment.27

*What street?* he sat up and looked out the window.28

*Uh….Olive street.*29

*Holy fuck!* with that Gerard jumped up and ran to the driver who turned the bus around and turned down a street. 30

*What address?*31

*Umm….er.. I think 1511?* you struggled to remember. Then it became clear. *Ye sit was 1511.*  you got up and when into he ‘cockpit’ where Gerard talked to the driver. . You looked out the window and saw a yellow house branded 1511. You  reluctant hopped out.32

*no time like the present eh?* Gerard laughed.33

*Gee can you stay here? I sort of want to do this by myself.* he smiled at you and went back into the bus. You went to the door and knocked. A lady in her mid 40’s answered.34

*Excuse me for asking. But did you have  daughter named Carla?*35

*She doesn’t live here anymore.* the lady went to slam the door shut but you stopped it with your shoe.36

*I know. I’m afraid I had some bad news.* the lady let you enter her home and you walked around looking at all of Carla’s baby pictures. Who knew that the blonde baby with bright blue eyes would end up with bright purple hair and a bullet in the brain.  You explained to Carla’s mom about her death.  You gave her your condolences and was the woman’s shoulder to cry on. 37

* I had so much hope that one day she would just come back.* she cried. You patted her head.38

*Carla wanted to. In fact she was saving up money to come back. But she was so afraid that you’d be angry with her. When we lived together she always talked about how she was sorry for giving you such a hard time and that she was sorry for stealing your money for drugs and that she was sorry that she was never what you wanted her to be. She also wanted me to tell you that she loved you.* after that the bus horn beeped and you stood up. *I’m sorry I can’t stay longer. You see I’m touring with a band right now, and we’re on a strict schedule. I’m sorry for your loss.* you gave the woman a hug. She stopped you at the door.39

*Here. Take some money. I don’t mean to be rude. But if you need it you can buy drugs or alcohol or anything you want.*40

*Me using your money to get drugs, won’t bring Carla back. And besides that, I’m clean. I have been for a few years.* you gave her the money back and closed the door quickly and as you took a step you were just close enough to hear a wailing sob. It tore your heart apart.  But you knew it was right and that Carla would be proud of you. 41

As you got onto the bus Gerard looked at you. You had tears in your eyes and he told you that you did the right thing.42

*Is there anyone else you want to talk to while we’re on tour?* you nodded your head. 43

*Who?* Gerard asked a bit astonished.44

*My father.* you whispered. *but that can wait until we go back home, after, the tour.*45