Only Time

There I was, on the barren land. I sat in serenity while every second hundreds of lives were ended, but then an angelic figurine emerged before me and looked deep down into my eyes. She appeared with a fragrance of flower from behind her. Her fluorescence eyes shone upon mine, sending me into an exotic dimension. Her sultry smile had shaken my very still soul in an instant. Yet, instead of feeling anxiety or curiosity, I felt internal warmth slowly growing within me. It was incredibly warm in her presence. I felt... like I was a child again. I could feel myself on a paradise surrounded by beauties and, she was the art of all those beauties.1

Before arriving there, I was a scribe for Saladin. He exiled me for my vast knowledge in western cultures and literatures. He feared I may be a spy. Since the first crusade war was in the phase of beginning, there were a lot of modifications in the post of both army and literary. When it had begun I had already walked into my once enemy�s land, but since I was then a man of no nationality I should be free to go about anywhere I felt like. So I walked from village to village, town to town, and finally was in front of Baldwin's castle at Jerusalem. Even then that the castle belonged to Guy ... I, yet preferred to call it Baldwin�s castle. It was right there that she appeared; making the butterflies in my stomach flutter their wings as though this was the last time they would be able to. In fact, I did not even recall the last time the butterflies in my stomach fluttered their wings. I used to take my job seriously and my connections with females then were purely physical. 'A scribe art thou?' till today the first sentence she had spoken to me still lingers within me. She told me that she was a queen of Jerusalem, and her king was away to war. Since I was a scribe she invited me into the castle to entertain her with the knowledge I processed. I happily accepted the invitation for I was too going to get killed of boredom of walking here and there but all I could see was sufferings. To my surprise, the castle, which outside seemed like solid red sand, but inside the guest room was the coziest place I had ever known. The seats arranged were soft, dim candle light surrounded the room; tiger carpet lied beneath my feet. I could smell chicken being cook in the kitchen, not very far from where I was. How kind of the queen to have provided me with these luxuries. She came and sat on the sofa next to me. The moment was magical, the dim light, the warm feelings between us. We talked about lots of things, some of my knowledge and some of her experiences. 2

The queen let me stay in the castle; she had the guard arranged the room for me. I hastily lay down on the bed as I walked in... It was exceedingly soft. The room was, as I thought the best room the castle could offer other than the king's bedroom. I wondered if the queen, Sybil as she told me her name, felt the same as I did. For me she was extraordinarily beautiful angel sent from up above. I wondered if she felt the kind of warmth and the butterflies in the stomach that I felt. I speculated if her king realized that he was with such an angel, but then I quickly bailed my thoughts. I was a man of principle, and I did not dare to think further as she was already married. We continued to have different kinds of conversations everyday, by doing so we also got more intimate. I cared about her very much. I did not want anything to depress her. She also often invited me to her bedroom, but all we did was talking. We sat closer day by day without realizing, and when I had realized again were sitting beside each other on her bed talking. It was exceptionally intimate, I had never felt intimate before as far as I had remembered. I used to see females as seductive being who would grant me a pleasure after tired day of work. This did not bother me though. All I did was enjoying these new feelings I had never felt before. The more strong it got, the more it excited me. We started touching each other not because of any specific goal, nor because we wanted to get sexual, but it was because of pure feelings. I touched her from her feet and slowly dragged my hand upwards to her head and played with her hair. She told me she really liked it when I played with her hair, and I really did enjoy doing anything that she liked. I was just addicted to her. On the eighth day I could not find her in the castle, I started searching everywhere for her. Then I sat down and thought to myself that she might be doing her work. Not even fifteen minutes passed I got up and again started searching. I felt pain in my stomach, I really felt like I lost something most precious and dear to me. I felt I could not live without her presence, her voice. I felt like dying, many thoughts passed me, maybe she had gone to her king, maybe she did not care about me any longer, or maybe something had happened to her. I felt like hurting myself, I did not feel like living any further. I did not know what this feeling was until she came back. I did not ask her where she was during the day but all I told her was 'My queen, today I must confess to thee some of my feelings. If this feeling is compared to my dirty red blood, let it not fall on thy fabric... so white.. so pure...'.Sybil nodded her head very curiously, and I continued. 'Today I know not where thou went, but I realized that I cannot loose thee. Please do not get me wrong but my feeling are pure and I do not ask anything of it. I just wanted to say for the first time after thirty-five years of my life... I have fallen so deep in love with thee, milady'. I walked away after standing for an hour waiting for some answers, but Sybil yet had not let out one word from her mouth.3

I started packing as morning arrived, I did not feel sad that I loved her, I did not feel sad that I had to leave... I had already made up my mind. Suddenly I felt a very warm hug from my back. 'I love thee too, and I cannot live without thee.' It was Sybil, but I did not care, I did not care of anything. Her words made me fly up high. I could feel that I was then on a cloud. I had never felt this happy before. It was simply the best day of my life. My first love was answered. We hugged and kissed intimately for many hours, right there without anyone of us moving an inch. I did not ask her about Guy at all. What I knew was from that day onward, we started living in the castle as though a married couple. It was divine at first, but then fear started conquering me. Aye, I feared if one day her king should return she would indeed walk away with him leaving me alone. I also felt like screaming out to the world that I loved this woman, but it had to be kept as a secret because I do respect her. I don't know what her feeling to Guy was and would not even ask; maybe I was just waiting for her to tell me when she would be ready. But each day I felt like showing off to everyone that milady is the most beautiful woman in the whole world. The image that one day she would eventually walk away started haunting me... everyday. I was at my limit. I could not have taken it further. I told her that our love would only be proven by time, and she agreed. The more I was attached to her, the more the image haunted me. I knew that if I just took one step further with her, I might go crazy and go around shouting that she was my girl. I might do things that were not supposed to. Therefore, I had written a letter to her and just left the castle without a word. The letter was written 'My princess, my queen, my love, my best friend, I know that if I take one further step in this castle, my renown self will be fully devoted to thee, but that cannot be for thou art in other relationship and thy king must have loved thee a lot'4

I do not know what happened to Sybil after that as I am now alone in a town to the east, far away from Jerusalem. I, while sitting on a hill realized that only time cannot actually prove any love. It is the feeling that can. I look down and laugh upon my self. When you are reading this document, I would have already jumped down the hill. You must be wondering- If I decided to die anyway why did I not die in the castle with my love? It's because I could not hurt her to any further extent. I knew I was not the only one getting attached. She was getting attached to me too. If I stayed, how would she leave me when her king returns? That was indeed my first love, my true love, and I cannot live without it so let me now rest in peace. 5