Perfect Panic - For those that have panic attacks

2:37 AM - PERFECT PANIC 1

Current mood:  exanimate 2

I never thought it could happen to me but here I am tonight caught in a fruitless cliche. Anxiety and panic disorder can be so complicated even when we think we are totally free from any of it's hellish affects. Tonight was too perfect and I found myself feeling anxious.  It's that funny feeling you get when something does not quite feel right but you don't know what it is and if it's too quiet it nags at you like a slow aching tooth.  I wish it were my tooth at least I would know exactly how to remedy the problem and how long it will take to do that.  3

Tonight we took a late nap, went out for a nice supper and took in a movie that got out at 2 in the morning. After that we drove around, went shopping and came home. It's a little too quiet and I don't feel very affectionate or peaceful when I would think I have every reason too be! 4

We just bought a new car, my grandson is the light of my life, I'm losing weight, my daughter in law asked me to go to church with her when she doesn't with her own mother, my son is enrolling in college the one that is always in trouble, my other son finally got a job, my daughter got a free scholarship to Disney world to study for 5 months in culinary arts, my husband finally went to the doctor his first visit since childhood, the tumor is benign, I'm meeting new friends that I prayed for and the past few days have been low pain days.5

Is there really such a thing as too perfect? I am not aware of any fear of losing everything or thoughts of not deserving good things just this uncomfortable groaning that something does not feel good.  I've been here before I think but it's been a long time.  Over the past week I have been pushing aside my safety blanket when it comes to making new friends. I guess ignorance is bliss and it's safer to deny that I have a panic disorder.  6

You know some people believe that hell is not actually burning in fire but rather an eternal darkness and separation from God and every single human being. There is no light not a glimmer of gray the blackest of black where no form exists. The only voice you hear is your own over and over until seconds feel like years. You thirst for everything and anything but mostly for one hint of noise that isn't in your own head. Even a scream from another tormented soul would do for then you'd know someone else is with you.  No it's only you and your mind screaming, racing, pleading, searching, analyzing, scratching and crawling for a way out and there is none.  It occurs to you that you would give everything and anyone you had on earth to gain one free second of peace even if it took crawling inside another body to feel safe.  Hell is here on earth in so many forms and for those of us unfortunate enough to have experienced a full blown panic attack will understand what I just wrote.  If a panic attack is far from what Hell will really be like let me run not walk but run to the Lord falling at his feet in utter bliss and thankfulness.7

Now the fight continues can I really control all my thoughts after-all the brain is one of the most powerful things in the universe.  I think I've read plenty in my survival manual but there is much left to guess so I searched for wisdom as we all do.  For a reason only God knows I keep running laps around the same questions and answers on the exact same path, damning the infancy in me and hoping there's still a hand there ready to pull me back up AGAIN. Intelligence and creativity is not all it's cracked up to be and with it's blessings comes it's curse Gods divine balance.8