For a long time I lived in poverty. I grew up poor and without any friends. Slowly, but surely, I gained my wealth. By mid-age I had all I needed, but I was empty... on the inside.1
Soon I came upon the love of my life. I was wandering down a lonely street one day... thinking about what I was missing in my life. In an alleyway I came upon a woman who was poor, and begging for scraps. I took her in, and made her my own.2
Soon we fell in love. We had spent all our time together and were inseparable. She told me she was wanted by many men, for past dues unpaid. I told her I would always protect her. I hired guards, and security, and even got some soldiers involved. But one day, none of that made a difference.3
One gloomy night, in the pouring rain, with no moon, came many men. It was a surprise attack and no one saw it coming. They came in extreme force, many men were killed... many things annihilated... 4
I came into contact with these men. Many trials passed, many laws broken. They were impressed with me. They told me I would get her back... but there would be a price to pay... they wanted everything... everything I spent my life to create. It was a small price to pay... I got her back now... but we wont last long, when we cant even find shelter or food to survive. If we die, at least we die together...5
Author notes
Its not that great, but it only took 10 minutes, so what do you expect for 10 minutes?
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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I came into contact with these men. Many trials passed, many laws broken. They were impressed with me. They told me I would get her back... but there would be a price to pay... they wanted everything... everything I spent my life to create. It was a small price to pay... I got her back now... but we wont last long, when we cant even find shelter or food to survive. If we die, at least we die together...
such a great para of the philosophy of the life and stating the strength of the sentiments in the life..A great work particularly the last line is the mileston as well -
Very intresting, thank you Kyleen... Ill fix my mistakes and perhapes, i would hope, learn from them... thank you, my angel...
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Hmmm... interesting. If you want some little help, I would put a "who" between "woman" and "was" in the first paragraph. I would uncapitalize "many" in the fourth paragraph. In the last paragraph, "back" in the third line should have an extra period after it, and I'm not sure, but all the words that come after the triple periods should not be capatalized. I would also use soldiers instead of veterans.
As far as the story itself, I wish you would have been more detailed. Give the woman a face, perhaps, or tell us more about what happened when she was taken away. I love the ending, especially the last sentance. Don't change it. Don't go too into your relationship with her, though. The begining is nice, not too much complaining about being poor, nor too much boasting of being rich... perfect. It's a great idea. I'd love to see what else you can do.
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