(chapter 2) do you see what you have done to me (it's not my fault...)

Soft scissors, metallic kisses (and sweet memories…)1

(Somehow) over the music, I hear my alarm going off. I look at it, see what time it is, and remember why I set it. (You will be home soon).2

I (reluctantly) turn off my portable c.d. player, take off the headphones, and hide the c.d. in the cabinet in the back of my closet (along with the others). Then I sit down on my bed, and take out some math homework and wait.3

You come in the door minutes later (I didn’t have to wait long). You barge into my room, only to find me peacefully sitting on my (pink) bed, doing homework, and listening to a Jessica Simpson c.d. You stare at me for a long while, until I look up. (You walk away suspiciously).4

I know that you will not come in again. So I dig deep in my backpack for my poetry book. I take it out, and suddenly remember the poem that I wrote in class (and then threw away). Suddenly, I decide to copy it down (of course I still remember it, word for word).5

I look at it (and hate how true it is). Then I close my book, put it back in the bottom of my backpack, and lay down wearily on my bed. 6

I am glad that you do not bother me, because you would have seen me in my bed, sleeping, and the silent tears on my face.  I dreamed of ice cream and cake and parties (and true friends.)7

~ ~ ~ ~ ~8

For the first time in three years, I am going to be relying on Master two days in a row. (He will not be pleased). 9

We call our providers’ Master because they control us. (It may sound sick, but it is true). It took a while for me to get used to it, but I did (eventually). Once you get in, you are in a tight group. But however you hear of them, you cannot just approach them and ask them for provisions. Only one person has ever done so and made it out completely unharmed. (Guess who?).10

Three years ago, when I went there without warning, I had not been warned about this, so I did not know. (I guess ignorance can be useful at times).11

I approached them in a terrible mood, because it was the eve before my birthday, and for the first year, you had not dropped any hints about a party, about it being my birthday or anything. (You had even made plans the day of).12

You have to understand, I was younger (and much more foolish). But, then again, so were you. (Everything was not my fault).13

When you split up with dad (well, you called it “separated”, but the choice of words fooled no one), you didn’t explain anything to me. You just told me that he went away, and would soon return.14

I was 11. I knew no better, and thought foolishly along with you. (I was also somewhat still attached to pink, rainbows, and fairy tales). I was just venturing into the world of stoner’s, to experiment (and decide that it wasn’t for me).15

I had heard of a place about half a mile from this house that sold drugs at a reasonable price. I was mad, angry, and ignorant. So I put on my jeans, my red shirt (with a pink flower on it) a jacket and sneakers. Then, (with your money in my pocket), I left for The Spot.16

When I got there, I stepped right up, and said, “I want some cocaine. How much do you sell it for?”.17

They all stared at me, startled (but I was not to be frightened. I wanted some and I wanted some at that very moment).18

Then, they all started laughing. As they all closed in around me, I suddenly remembered all of the horrible stories I had been told about dark street corners like these (and the horrible things that happened in them). But, by chance, I thought about you, and became even angrier. (Some say that my eyes flashed red, and an evil glare appeared on my face).19

More luck was with me, however, because there was older, wiser one among the group (compared to the others).20

“I have just lost my customer,” he said, in a deep, quiet, (but powerful) voice. “And she is much like a lost spark, as I was when I first joined. She has much courage, whether foolish or not. I will be her Master.”21

I had a few objections to the whole “Master” part of it (it just sounded capitalized when he said it) but I was a bit too frightened to argue.22

They all nodded, and slowly backed away. He walked up to me, and said, “My name is Ember, but you shall not call me by that name. You are now Scorch and you will be known only by that here.”23

He then took me in a corner, and explained the rules (and how I had broken almost every single one of them in 10 minutes) and how lucky I was that he was there.24

He gave me my first dose for free, with a promise that I would come back. I headed home with my present from Master, and decided to set out shopping the next day (with the money I stole for the drugs).25

Black and red were about to become my two favorite colors.26

~ ~ ~ ~ ~27

Rarely did I see a smile on Ember’s face (I like his real name, though he does not). I decide to amuse him tonight. Hopefully it will make up for coming two nights in a row.28

I look through my clothes in the back of the cabinet, and don’t find anything that could bring a smile to his face. (By chance), I happen to think of our first meeting, and what I wore. (Maybe…)29

I pull out the very same pair of jean (a little small, but they still fit), and the same shirt (delightfully small). I put them on, but I don’t know if he will recognize them. Then an idea strikes my mind (how he will laugh)…30

As I attack the outfit (with scissors), I think of how I have the smallest crush on Ember. (Well, more than little) and how I always try to amuse him. (Even though he is a drug dealer) he is a pretty decent guy once you get to know him. He isn’t mean, I know that he would never rat me out, and no matter how cold he seems, there is some warmth in his eyes (if you know how to look).31

I review my work on the outfit, and hope it is enough to amuse Ember, and to bribe him into supplying me two nights in a row. 32

As I walk down the street (and you are in my head) I start to shiver, with the help of my outfit (and then the thought of Ember makes me warm).33

~ ~ ~ ~ ~34

I reach the circle, and stand, waiting for them to notice (me). Slowly, one by one, they turn around, and stare (in awe). Then, as Ember notices, he stares for a long time; with a frown on his face (my heart starts to sink). Then, he begins to clap, softly (but in the empty streets it echoes) and slowly (but each one overwhelms me all the same).35

Then, one by one, everyone begins to clap, slowly and softly (until they peter out). I approach him and greet him as I always do, but this time it seems different (and I don’t know why). But I am lost in this sweet kiss, and all is forgotten (for now).36

He looks at me with a twinkle in his eyes (but still a frown on his face).37

“A bold effort, Scorch, but not enough to hide that this is your second day in a row. (Why?)” He asks.38

I look at him for a long time in silence, trying not to let my feelings, leak out in my eyes (but eventually give in). I cast my eyes down, not wanting to look at him (and already afraid that he has seen too much).39

All of a sudden, I feel his arms around me, and I am breaking down, letting it all loose (but never does he lessen his hold on me). Gradually, my sobs subside, and I am left shivering in his strong arms (I am still afraid to look up).40

He tilts up my chin, but still my eyes stray from his (what will he see in them?).41

“I can see that you are in need. I will make this exception, but only this.” He says slowly (softly).42

I look up at him, finally (and look deep into his eyes). I am shocked for a moment at what I find there (and then take this opportunity). I softly press my lips against his (he tastes of ashes and metal, but I don’t mind).43

I then open my eyes, and say, “You are my drug. I will walk home empty handed tonight.” Then I get up, and walk away. I walk home happy (and high off of fire).44

Ember will be my obsession (and I will become a pyromaniac yet).45