I'll never forget (you)...1
Today I made it on your list of “Nothing Better to Argue About”. I suppose I should be honored at this bold change, but I’m used to being (number one) on your list of “People to Ignore”.2
I must admit, this change of routine had me shocked. I was so used to being left alone with my (morbid) thoughts that I was quite surprised when you looked me straight in the eye (with a false smile) and said, “So, what did you do today? (Tell all.)”3
I am also ashamed to admit that I fell straight into your trap. (Your smile didn’t look so much like bared fangs then). And furthermore, as you blathered on (and I actually listened), I fell on and on, never wondering when I would lose the (never-ending) battle with gravity.4
But as your (fake) smile suddenly disappeared, and you accosted me with (more and more) accusing questions, I realized that my flight was about to crash into (the cold, hard truth of) reality.5
As your frustrations about life (and lack of) are turned into (harsh, pounding) questions and insults to take out on me (the punching bag in human form), I tune out and sigh.6
Later, as I slide into the bathtub (because baths used to make me feel better) I realize that I had forgotten that I had long since reached the age of self-consciousness (slash hatred).7
And while I glare at my body in loathing I sink further into self-pitying thoughts (and imagined fantasies); and further into the water. Soon my eyes are closed, and I am fully encased, except for my (chapped) lips.8
I lay there for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts, and fully realizing my unintentional situation (slash opportunity). Then, I try my hardest, will myself to sink that last inch, go a little farther (and then I will be happy). I tell myself how far I have come, how close I am (and how little I have left).9
As my body starts to move, you suddenly burst in and stand there, glaring at me (the way I glare at myself). Then, you decide that this is the opportune moment to lecture me about eating right (and not getting fat). As you continue, I get out, get dressed, and start to brush my teeth. I turn around; and you are still talking! At least you don’t like to ask questions when you lecture. If you did I would actually have to listen (I think with a shudder).10
Later, as I am finally left alone with my (disturbing) futuristic thoughts, I decide what I will do as soon as possible. I will get a tattoo (on my wrist, or palm, or somewhere I look at everyday) and it will say:11
It’s not my fault.12
Just so that I never forget (because it never was)...13
should i continue? this is just an intro (prologue) to a story that i am writing. 14
Author notes
please, DO NOT ask about the parenthesis. it's the style that this book is going to be written in. just please critique! it's my birthday. i turned 14!!! pleasepleaseplease critique!!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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beautifuly depressing
Hay Caitlin, You already know that I like this story so far but I thought I would remind you. I was wondering if where you say slash oprotunity or possible oprotunity would be better. But you know me and how I nit pick also it seems that the font put in question marks instead of apostraphies in some places anyway on to your next grand chapter -
this sounds like it wants to be poetry, my dear.....i love how you add parentheses (this is how you spell, i think, but im not sure!), were quite interesting, like an afterthought of what you wrote......
happy birthday at any rate, how old did you turn?
PARABENS PRA VOCE, NESSA DATA QUERIDA......MUITAS FELICIDADES, MUITOS ANOS DE VIDA!!!!
thats the birthday song in portugues, hope you liked it
beijos
jane -
i like it... im not really shure what it could be made into because theres a lot of posiblities but if i read that in a book at the book store id probly buy it... and the parentisise (i cant spell) are really cool.
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i like your intro.. it is confusing for a second i thought you were talking about a lover but then about a family member so yeah but i like it and i see ppl like it too so i say you keep writing... HAPPY BIRTHDAY mine is tomorrow (30) anywho dont be sad smile and have a great day
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Excellent!
This is amazing! I'm sorry you're feeling down on your birthday, but I hope you have a happy one anyway. (As if it will matter that I said that lol)
But as for this write, I absolutely love it. I think the sarcasm is wonderful, the mystery is ideal for the prologue and it has excited me for more. I hope you continue writing this, it sounds awesome so far.
*Adds to faves* -
It's good, a little confusing, but good. Definitely like to see more background and where it is headed. Everything is written very nicely, good details with the characters. Good place to leave the readers hanging! Nice job, and happy birthday!
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