“Come away from the window, Flutter-budget. See the prints your nose is making on the glass?”1
“I’m singing the rain song, Papa.”2
“Are you? Mighty quiet singing, my little Maddy-mouse. Come sit on my knee. We’ll sing it together where it’s warm.”3
“No, it doesn’t work to sing it with anyone else. I have to do it alone.”4
Maddy climbs onto Papa’s lap all the same. Mother shakes her head, overhearing on the way to the kitchen.5
“Child, you say the oddest things.”6
“Yes mother. Papa?”7
“Yes, Wild-flower?”8
“Why does Grandfather’s clock always turn that way? Doesn’t it ever get tired of going around the same direction? Does the clock go backwards? I like to walk backwards.”9
“No, Sweet-one. The clock hands go around the same way all the time because the clock is a piece of machinery with gears that must move forward. It might possibly go backwards if a tinker switched things around inside, but the clock will never go backwards on its own. It can’t choose to walk backwards like you can.”10
“Is the sun like a clock?”11
“Yes, something like a clock. He goes around to make sure we keep our clocks regular. He always comes up in the East and sets in the West.”12
“He can’t go backwards either?”13
“No, Love.”14
“Why? I should think he gets tired of always doing the same thing in the mornings! I get tired of eating oatmeal all the time.”15
“It makes little girls grow strong and tall,” says Mother around the door. “You should eat it with less complaining.”16
“Yes Mother. Papa, does God wind the sun?”17
“Well at one time He must have, but now the sun keeps his course dutifully, on his own.”18
The girl thinks quietly for a moment.19
“Papa?”20
“Yes, Maddy-mouse.”21
“Papa, why does the moon sometimes look like a bitten biscuit and sometimes like my new dime? I like it better when the moon is a dime because of the shadow-trees at night.”22
“I like a full moon too, Maddy-cat. When the moon gets bigger like your dime we say it is waxing, and when it gets smaller like the biscuits you eat for supper, we say it is waning.”23
“Waning is a funny way to say smaller, Papa. Can I say that my dress is waning? It keeps getting shorter. Why does the moon wax and wane?”24
“James, why are you trying to explain the order of the universe to a child of six? She can’t remember. You ought to send her to play until supper is ready. Read your paper, perhaps.”25
“Margaret, an honest question merits an honest answer.”26
“It doesn’t really change size, Sweet-pea. The way the earth spins sometimes prevents us from seeing the whole thing at once, except sometimes. The light of the sun reflecting is what our eyes see when we look at the moon, so when the earth is in the way, you can’t see the whole thing reflecting. And your dress isn’t changing size, you are. We say you’re waxing, not that the dress is waning.”27
“All right, I am waxing. Maybe later I'll try waning. -pause- How does the moon stay in the sky? And the stars. Did God stick them up there with the pins Mother uses to let out my dress hem?”28
Maddy’s father looks away to the small nail-hole in the wall above the mantle and says:29
“The light of day30
cannot stay.31
The fading sun32
will not come33
to anybody’s calling.34
The cold moon light35
is clear and white. 36
She will not go,37
this I know,38
til all the stars have fallen.”39
Mother comes from the kitchen with a steaming dish and says “Supper’s ready.”40
“Papa? How do they stick?”41
“Run and wash your hands, Flutter-budget.”42
Author notes
The poem in this story was written by Anne Corkett.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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Just the first session of Creative Writing at my University. Havaen't actually taken anything like it before, so I appreciate any feedback on what I can expect people to say!
It is a good class so far. Thanks for the comment.
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Enjoyed reading this short story- very easy to read and understand, with good conversation and family banter. What course are you taking? Sounds interesting.
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this was a pretty neat story. it didnt have a good ending tho. it seemed to have stopped inthe middle . you should keep going with it . good start tho
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I’m singing the rain song, Papa
i love that line there. this is too great. the entire poem is wonderfully written. thank you for sharing your talent with me. viyanna -
NOTE TO THE READER THIS STORY IS TRYING TO BE DONE FOR AN ASSIGNMENT. GOOD CRITICISM AND REPROMOTION TO FEATURED IS APPRECIATED.
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Further Technical stuff:
steam on glass. . . should be fog, or something. . . steam on glass is illogical -- also usually, for me as a kid, mom would complain don't put your nose on the glass because you leave smudge marks. . . perhaps here the father's view is being blocked. . . not really sure what the significance of steamed window would be -- wouldn't be permanent.
says Mother around the door Your dress isn’t changing size. You are.
Again hanging "then" on its own should be modified.
Mother comes from the kitchen with a steaming dish and says -- needs a comma at the end
The poem should be written as the poet writes it, however some notes on that. . . Too many periods! "til" should be " 'til"
*general note, watch to make sure you punctuate he said/she said text in between quotes.
content/style:
the whole bit about the oatmeal -- very real, very cute -- made me smile and laugh a little
Some good images and logic at work -- where the father and daughter interaction goes. Even the title works. It doesn't necessarily grab the reader, but it's appropriate for the story.
The whole thing is quite realistic. Very endearing story of father daughter and the pain in the butt mother. You only have two maybe three pages of story here, and I think it would serve you best to make the story longer and perhaps give the characters more depth, and work on conflict more. Although, I'm not very good at short stories, so I don't know if you want to take my advice on any of this. . .
The ending could use some work for sure. . . Ending a story by having the characters go to eat is an easy way to end, very cliche and done so often.
What you may not have been told, yet, but what usually holds true, is this: go to Hurwitz bef. the ass. is due and discuss with her in office hours ways to improve it & get feedback -- it's allowed and it's good to take advantage of that, if she allows it. Stress to Hurwitz which pieces of your work you would like to see in the workshop to discuss -- by the sounds of things you are to show this story for this week anyway, maybe? In any case, either to her in office hours or to the workshop -- engage others and ask them for input on the ending, or better yet, think of alternative ones & ask which one folks like the best. ***Use the workshop. . . I found with workshoping, esp. with 1st years. . . many were passive and would not give much input. . . challenge people and push them to give strong support of their opinions on their work -- ask direct questions ask to your concerns, etc. and you'll get more out of the workshop.
Important things checklist to consider for short stories:
Does the story have conflict? ***essential
****Does the story show instead of tell??? Stories now are often more about imagery and going big on showing in images rather than telling the story.
Does the story demonstrate character development? (exposition: 5 Ws, ie. who are the characters, what do they do?, etc. & how)
Plot?
Climax?
theme/meaning (more optional)
Edited on Jan 28, 11:31 p.m. because ''.
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