Dad,1
How are you? I hope all is well, because my life is literally a living hell. I tried so hard to appease you, to make you happy, to make you proud. I wish you loved me as much as I love you Dad. Maybe I really don't, maybe I'm incapable of love? I can't even love myself anymore. How much more can I go through before I realize that I must end it? All my life I've been beaten, ridiculed and scorned, all by you Dad, more like my Father, really. Sometimes I think you curse the day I came into this world as much as I do. Where were you when I was addicted to drugs, drinking alcohol, getting into trouble? You were sitting in the garage, drinking, smoking, "trying to free your mind," as the song goes. 2
How am I supposed to be anything when nobody else thinks I can do it? I wish there was something I could do to make you proud...I've tried, I don't know whether this letter will even change things, to ease the tensions between us. I don't know how much more abuse I can take. Please don't hurt me anymore. I can't let you hurt me anymore. I have to change things one way or another. Maybe when I'm gone you'll realize how much you loved me... I'm sorry...3
Love, your son,4
Brett5
Author notes
A prequel to the Dear Diary series, a letter that B.V. had written for his father, but never was able to deliver to him.
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Comments
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you wrote my life... told my story... stole my words... in essence you are me, and I am you. and I am sorry that you too went through these things... I have alwyas wished I could make my dad proud... but he never was, never is... I am just an addict, and to him... he tells me I am the most-hardcore addict he knows... well that's because i am the only addict he knows... but doesn't he know it's hurts us to tell us this...
this is me, and what i said to my dad just the other day... except i used my voice, not letters on paper... and you know what he said: "i wish i could go back in time, and i would not have ever had kids"... nice dad. huh?
my life is literally a living hell. I tried so hard to appease you, to make you happy, to make you proud. I wish you loved me as much as I love you Dad. -
You don't need to love yourself to love others, or be loved
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Brett, my heart is breaking for you. I have a friend with your name that I write for/about often. I wish you love, happiness, and all the hugs I would give if I could. This is so very sad. Honest and straight from the heart. There really is hope after all the anger and pain. Please, don't let what he had defeat you. Then he wins. You are a man worth loving and being loved.
Thank you for sharing the absolute honesty in this writing.
I wish you all the best. Viyanna
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