Untitled for now Pt. 2

I got home.  The rest of the day was nothing more than a blur through the frost that covered my eyes.  Silently I road home.  Silently I trudged into the house.  Silently I set down my bookbag, thinking how great it would be if I could drop my problems the same way.  Dropping myself on the bed, I soon fell asleep to dream of the fun times of the past.  1

Waking up, I felt no better than I did before.  I felt dirty, unclean;  unworthy to be above the earth...  I look around my room and realize I don't know where I am.  I don't know who I am.  2

"I have to get outta here."3

I open my door and realize that I have nowhere to go.  What should I do?  Just leave and walk until I slowly freeze to death?  Sounds tempting.  But even the snow and sleet outside, although reflective of my inner turmoil, was white hot compared to the freeze of my soul.  Walking back to my room I snatch a towel and walk down to my shower.  Not even bothering to wash, although I felt so grimy and greasy(maybe that was all in my mind), I merely allowed the water to wash over my head, shoulders, chest, and back.  Thawing the subzero freeze, I think of what to do next.  4

Later, sitting on my bed, I hold a knife in my hand.  Nothing special;  six inch blade, carved, wooden handle, and a mirror finish.  The blade is right over my heart, ready to split my soft skin.  I press the edge of the metal to my flesh. 5