Broken Arm

 
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Funny how looking back I can recall it all with crystal clear clarity
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to the point where I want to flinch.
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She never thought she was in the wrong. To this day still doesn't.
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I took care of my brothers, which was no real burden at that point
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it was something I had always done.
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But if a mistake occurred like forgetting to sweep right before she walked in the door
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I paid for it.
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My body to this day has so many aches and pains that I often think
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it was because of her.
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The grabbing of my hair and wrenching out handfuls
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being slammed into walls repeatedly.
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It has to leave a mark somewhere other than my soul.
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Do I hate her?
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No. I wish I could maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad still.
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My friends had no idea how bad it was till she broke my arm.
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I told people I did it picking up my uncle.
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I lied to my own father about it.
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It was from a beating I received while on a family trip to West Virginia.
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I can't even recall what happened only that Mom had gotten into it with my Grandfather.
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Dysfunction starts early and I guess for her, he was a breaking point.
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Next thing I know we are driving back to Tennessee  and my arm kept throbbing
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and about two hours away I spoke up.
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She laughed and said it was just sore.
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Then she saw the color.
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We dropped off the boys at home
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and she took me to the ER not one time speaking of how it happened.
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When the doctors asked I told them I picked up my Uncle and
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that I figured it happened then.
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The whole time staring Mom in the face.
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 I got a cast and we went home.
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My friend Shawna showed up to drive me to school with her sister
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and about stroked out when she saw the cast.
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On the way to school I can remember Liz was at a red light
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and turned around. She knew.
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And she was so sad she cried. This girl that hardly ever spoke to me was crying.
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And that made it so much worse.
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Comments

1 - 9 of 9
  • PapoosSidekick9
    January 28, 2006
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    I have a bum knee right knee from my mother pushing me into the counter about 5 1/2 years ago. I bumped into her and somehow she figured I pushed her so when I was turned the other way, she just blind sided me. I've dealt with flare ups since but it wasn't until last May when I had trouble even bending it that I saw a doctor about it. Patella Femoral Syndrome, basically the muscle tightens up and pulls the ligaments along with it and when that happens bone rubs on bone. Looked it up and whaddayaknow...commenly triggered by blows to the knee. And of course, it's still my fault of course.

    In response to your above comment, she was beat as a kid...she was taken away from her dad in fact (her mom died when she was 2). She also said she'd never lay a hand on us, but on the same token she was 45 years old and using 3rd grade logic that "I pushed her first" when it happened.

  • Catressa
    January 27, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    That is funny.. I have my ups and downs with anger John.. I because of what happened find that I am sensitive to anger and often used to go on the attack when I felt I was being cornered. With my own kids I don't use physical force simply because I feel I don't need to threaten them or have them terrified of me. And surprisingly it has worked.


  • January 27, 2006
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    Ahhh...this is so sad. I hope it's not really a personal experience.
    Shahrzad


  • January 27, 2006
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    I am so thankful that you managed to escape the insanity and be the mother to your babies,that you never had. Speaking about it now,can be so helpful to the soul,as well,as to the others who find themselves locked in the silence. Good Job!
    I love you,
    Aunt Deena


  • January 26, 2006
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    Oh Cat, sweetie!!You made ME cry..well almost. You know how hard it is. I'm so glad you didn't turn out like her. Knew how bad it was, but never saw..except for my little experience with her. Great job! Love ya!

  • peluche
    January 26, 2006
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    Yeah well, why can't they take their damn sickness somewhere else!! I was sick plenty of times in my childhood and now in adulthood have bipolar and a digenerative intestional disorder and I do not use that as an excuse to beat or otherwise abuse my kids. I was sexually, emotionally, and physically abused as a child and you know what was wrong with those adults- they were fucking idiot bastards- that's what!!! (Sorry, I do not usually use that word but, you have touched on something that is really close to my whole being)Even now, I hear the pathetic excuse that they were just sick or now they're born again. Do they think I fucking care?? There is NEVER an excuse to abuse a child, NEVER!! I can totally relate to this piece. I know exactly where you are coming from. The fact that she cried, made the protagonist actually realize that there was something wrong with her bitch mother and her stinking family life. Before, she just thought it was a normal part of her hellish existence.


  • January 26, 2006
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    The saddest thing I've ever read from you. The perspective that others being sad for you only makes you feel worse is something I never understood til now. The abuser has to be percieved as suffering an illness, two really- utter denial being a seperate condition. No child can believe that a parent wants to do this, it has to be a sickness. I don't even have the words to say how this makes me feel.
    Slyder

  • macandrew
    January 26, 2006
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    This is a very sad read. I find those in this situation usually go to extremes. They either live by violence or completely abhor it. (same as those exposed to excessive drinking).

    take care.
    John


  • January 26, 2006
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    oh Cat...I don't know if this poem relates to personal experiences of yours or someone close to you, but it speaks so eloquently of the issue of abuse. there's so many elements to which I relate in this poem--(not even to the matter of physical abuse), but it did truly touch me and left me thinking. only the best writing can provoke thought, and I think this write will do that for everyone who reads.

    take good care...

    Jo

1 - 9 of 9