He stiffened imperceptibly as her grip tightened at the front of his shirt. They had been watching the sunset from his roof for a while when she had suddenly latched onto his chest, her ear to his left side, her breathing synced to his heartbeat. His lower back hurt from trying to keep her from pushing him over. They were in an awkward position, with her sprawled out against the slope of the roof and his arms pulled around her, holding her as if his life depended on it.1
"How much do you love me?" she murmured in a contented, detached way.2
"So much...so much...you know I can't even tell you. I'd die for you." 3
She snuggled up more and curled into him, sated.4
"Will you kill for me?" She upturned her face to him and looked at him with her steely grey eyes, entirely stoic. He swallowed audibly and sounded as if he were choking.5
"Yes. I told you that." She nodded, closed her eyes, and sighed.6
He remembered when he first noticed the beautiful girl that was currently pinching the skin just under his collarbone uncomfortably. Her absolutely average looks never called out for attention, and her quiet demeanor required that she keep to herself. She had been sauntering toward the library and he opened the door to exit as she walked in, nearly opening the door onto her face. She had him at "Oh!" which, of course, was the startled expression she exclaimed. She jumped, flushed, and stood awkwardly in front of him for a long moment before he swallowed quickly, apologized, and blushed when his voice cracked. He made an excuse later in class to attempt to walk by the library doors again to try and nonchalantly catch a glimpse of her. He shook his head as he tried to clear his thoughts, wondering why something so ordinary of an event could keep his attention so. He walked by the doors, looked in the window, and nearly swallowed his tongue when he saw her grey eyes staring straight back at him. He averted his eyes and stumbled past as fast as he could, and took an alternate route back to class.7
He had fallen for her, and fallen without any measure of soft landing.8
A year and a half later, he still felt like he was falling.9
In the many months after they began to date, he watched her steadily decline, crumble like an unattended house, eaten and rotting from the inside out. Her radical thinking, quite a suprise from his initial impression, was the very thing that caused her decline as well as the thing that he admired the most. Her introspection led them both straight to the roof where she was about to break his heart.10
His breath caught in his throat as he looked at her, taking in her perfect mediocrity that she so wished to be free from. Her lips were shaped such that it always looked as if a "w" was perched on their edge, lips that she condemned to silence. She had the most darling ski-jump nose, dotted with light brown freckles that she fought to cover. Her most valuable feature, was, of course, her small, arresting grey eyes that wrinkled shut at key points of scary movies. She had a perfect little dish at the center of her collarbone that was covered with pale skin and looked like a carved-out swimming pool.11
No one is ever what is expected. Still, her utter discontent with life grew proportionally with the closeness of their relationship, enough to disturb him. She had seemed so happy, so content with her crooked smile so long ago...but now, it looked as if he was the cause of her unrest. Her perspectives and ideals began to change throughout the course of their relationship, with each landmark that they saw, she matched it with an equally arresting and disturbing epiphany.12
The first time they kissed, she denounced democracy. He simply shook his head and humored her.13
The first time they made love, she decided there was no point in waiting and wondering at the prospect of an afterlife. He just listened.14
The sun set on the horizon as he watched without seeing. The sky doused the light and roused her from his lap.15
"I'm ready." She said simply, toying with her shoelaces. There was no emotion at all-she had prepared herself with their very relationship for this moment, and while she loved him he was an implement, a cog, a gear in her perfected machine.16
"You know that phrase-'you take my breath away'? That's so cheesy...ha...I'm ready...are you?" She extracted herself from his arms and leaned through the window to her bedroom.17
He nodded. When she had first mentioned something about dying he had laughed, thinking she was joking. But who was she kidding now? He stood up, feeling a pain in his chest, deep down, that surely was mourning the injustice of having his future happiness robbed. He climbed through the window and found her lying on her back on the bed. She didn't say a word. He crawled onto the bed with her, straddled her waist, and bent over and kissed her. He trembled at his inevitable future, when he would not be able to remember what her mouth felt like on his.18
He took the pillow from behind her head and pressed it to her face. A muffled phrase that he would swear to be "thank you" came through the fabric, and he shuddered. For several seconds she did nothing but lie there in mock serenity, and then her body, with its own will to survive kicked in. This was not a response or stirring of her deep inner soul, having second thoughts, but rather an automatic instinct to fight for air. She bucked and kicked, clawed at his face, strained against the pillow.19
...and then there was the loudest silence he had ever heard. He sat there, still over her, his hands still on the pillow, for five, ten minutes with tears drenching his cheeks. He sobbed and held her unresponsive body and stroked her hair for a length of time that seemed immeasurable. Emotion of every breed fired through his brain, although he had rationalized time and time again, with the phrase "This is what she wants." Then he slowly let go, in jagged sharp movements and reached beneath the bed for the handgun he had placed there.20
He couldn't live without her.
Author notes
You're the human magic marker, won't you please surprise my eyes.
I think that it's a picture of a piece of blown glass...and I think having to put this stuff in my author notes is retarded. ...brownie points? Gee, thanks, I'd love one...
A contest entry
- That's weird, eh? by Manifesto.
225 points, ended November 10, 2007, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Does the girl character need a more intricate background? Does their relationship?
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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Hmmmm...I'm curious why you labeled this as First Person since it's written in 3rd person...
Anyway, pretty good story. I think that the girl needs a bit more development as a character. Just because she's plain isn't enough. In turn, by adding to her character, it will add to the development of their relationship. Why would he agree to kill her if he loved her so much? I can see that as being true, but it's not explained for it to be plausible here.
You did well with description and imagery. Your use of language is quite good. I look forward to reading more of your work.
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I labeled it as first person because I am a moron. I think sometimes I get going so fast that I forget what I'm doing. Dumb...
Thanks for the helpful comment. -
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No problem....love the title...excellent!
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Wow that was crazy and so painful in a bittersweet kind of way. It works well as a short piece but if you hadn't killed the main character off, there are a few intriguing ways that you could seek to continue it... I'll let your explore that though.
Great work and good luck
~Talia
(Sorry about the Authors notes thing, but I hate it when people don't read rules) -
Creepily Captivating
Oh no!! Totally got me on this one! So strange.... I agree with Andy27 that a little build up would be better, but it's a fantastic story, and I like how she was average in looks, and not all "flowing black hair, pale skin, humongous bazoombas." However, gray eyes might be a little cliche, although you pulled it off well, and there's just soemthing about asking "would you kill for me?" so early that turned me off; I felt like I was about to read ANOTHER vampire story. But I was wrong! And totally weirded out. Too bad he killed himself, though. I guess that was the only way for the story to end. I can't wait to read more of your material.
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I would shoot myself if I wrote a vampire story (not that vampire stories are bad, but one for every three stories??? Come. On.).
Thanks for reading. I've meant to go back and edit this more thoroughly for a while now, but I FINALLY got the time and went back and did some tweaking...added a paragraph, so hopefully that will give my avid readers (ha) what they're wanting.
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a little more build up... but still good a little freaky and sad
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Okay
I would like to see a see a second draft before you called it final. Sometimes I have the same problems with akward sentances and puncuation ? Tres bien! -
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I usually don't post multiple drafts of the same story. I will probably edit it and, if you'd like, I can drop you a line and see what you think.
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omg i like ur story..its kinnd of sad and i think its a little scary though....nut i love the story keep up the good work
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yes, i must admit it was fairly... strange and the ending was really sad and unexpected. but either way, it was really well written and it still had me hooked.
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THAT is what I was going for.
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Ohhh creepy and sad. But really good and gripping.
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nice
I like the strory . Nice and keept me inrested.. I would like to have seen a bit of more of forshadoing but I thinkg its GOOD
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 2.
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Foreshadowing would have crucified the shock value. More supporting evidence for the characters motives is what you meant, I think.
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This story has such power and emotion. That, and the ending has a good twist of irony to it. I don't see any spelling or grammatical errors. There is one phrase that sounds a little awkward, where you wrote: "this time and time again". It's just that I am used to seeing it written as "time and time again".
This shows a lot of impressive writing ability. Good luck in the contest.
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Thank you! I can't find any spelling or grammar errors either...I'm going to print it off and get a non-biased third party to edit for me...
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It was a pretty interesting story. I liked it. But then again I like almost everything. So don't value my opinion . lol!
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Uhh...
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Some errors and awkward sentences, but an interesting story and a twist on the "would you kill for someone" idea.
I think she needed more reason to crave death, and he needed more reason to consent. -
Wow...That was an unexpected outcome. AMAZING!! I love it when the writer can say exactly what is going to happen, but at the same time can be saying something else, and the reader follows that false idea til the very end, and then be totally shocked when the truth is revealled and everything becomes clear... This was brialliantly written, though I do agree with some of the previous commenters, that you should go through this again (mostly the beginning) and proofread, as you have a lot of grammar/spelling mistakes that make it confusing. There's nothing more aggravating to those people will strong inner editors out there than to have an awesome plot like this slowed down by such errors.
As far as your question about the reader needing more background info on the girl, I think it's fine, although perhaps you could also mention some scene of the girl having a breakdown or something and running to the guy for support, which would show her instability and would hint at the main conflict. You may also want to talk about the guy's feelings more too (not just how they met and fell in love and all that), in order to strengthen his reasons for willingly killing her. [Perhaps you should show him more as EXTREMELY and desparately in love with her; like illogically in love. A love to an extreme that most people never reach or something.]
Anyway, wonderful write and good luck in this contest!
~ [eRi]ca ~
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Thanks for the in-depth comment. I totally agree with what you're saying. I've been a part of SW for a long time and then had a really long dry spell (6 monthsish) and now I'm back. I wrote this a while ago and picked it back up so I'm a little rusty still.
I'm glad you liked it though! I'll keep revising and keep you posted.
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Many pretty phrase turns... A few too many distracting typos. You provide a serious consequence without giving me a reason to care about the characters and their impetuous actions.
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adn blushed himself (and) wow quite twisted good flow and writing but really twisted. good luck in the contest but not at my own expense keep writing T
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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did she die? EXCELLENT DESPCRIPTION! I am impressed. Great Job
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I thought that it was clear that he killed her at the end. If it wasn't, what can I do to make it clear?
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Hey I actually liked it. It got me right into the story and the descriptions were good, a little bit of a bummer on the ending. Is there more? If not, it's too short.
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Eerie story. It's very well written, too. Now, I don't know that your female character really needs more background because I don't think that she is the character you want your readers to empathize with. Their relationship could use some explaination; I don't understand why your male character believed he was doing the right thing for his girlfriend by assisting in suicide. That's could just be me, though. I find Romeo and Juliet's deaths incredibly unromantic, too.
To grammatical matters, since that really is my forte: This sentence was too long: "He made it a point to ask for a drink of water later in class, to see if he could curb his distration she caused, by walking by and glimpsing her again, of course." I recommend spliting it into two sentences. Something like: "He made it a point to ask for a drink of water later in class to see if he could curb the distraction she cause. And what better way than by walking by and glimpsing her again?" I think the sentence immediately after this lacked a capital letter at the beginning, as well. Other than that, excellent work. -
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Thanks for the in-depth comment. It helps a lot to point out grammatical things-I usually do a pretty decent job but I'm not the best editor in the world. For whatever reason, I usually don't catch my own mistakes.
Anyways, thanks for reading!
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A good story but with this line: "adn blushed himself when his voice cracked." Should "adn" be "Adn"?
Also this seems like a mistake: "wondering why something so ordinary of an even could deep his attention so much."
But you have a very touching story, I couldn't stop reading.
Another thing I must say is a bit more back ground information on the characters, and what is/was eating her away.
Thank you for entering my contest
Penny x x x
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Truely interesting and captivating story. You did an excellent job on it and the emotions and heartbreak come through. The emotions you put in your charaters come through as well. terrific job, well thought out and well scripted.
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Oh. I am..Speechless. You are an incredible writer. That is all I can say... I knew something was wrong as soon as she asked, would you kill for me. But I had no idea it would be this. Good. God.
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Thanks so much for reading! I really appreciate it.
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Make me cry. Make me weep like a baby.
It sent goose bumps over me. It makes me unsettled and unhappy that they chose to do this. But you know what? It's perfect.
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Thank you! I'm sorry you had to read it a couple seconds before I finished re-editing it though..hadn't given this story much of a look in a long while. What do you think about changing the title? The title seems really lame to me..
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I am unsure whether it was the story or the cool breeze that sent the shiver down my spine during the final two paragraphs.
I think you may have actually stirred some emotions in me other then the usual outrage that comes so readily, well done.
I like how you didn't get bogged down with describing the setting as I felt this gave room for the emotional atmosphere that in this piece is far more important.
It seems that there is another part to this story and that I have jumped to the end, I shall go read the other.
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Dude, wait. They are in the same moment? Like the first and then the second within minutes of the other??? That's rather odd for me to take in... I'm confussed by it
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Oh. They are in the same place/time whatnot.
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Hoooray! I've never been the queen of anythinnnng!
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*Is speachless*...um.....*is speachless some more*.....wow this is awesome pimpage! And I thought I was sadistic and creepy...you are the queen of the creep!!! *bows down to the queen* when i go off to college I totally am going to print off all your stuff and all of Sasha's stuff and like read it all the time!
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"eaten and rotting from the inside out" awkward tenses on the verbs there.. that first paragraph is a bit scratchy in places. might considering working on the fluidity of it
Ouch, that's awesome. Ha, oxymoron. Um... good descriptions. Kind of odd how it went from the first to the second. Perhaps a bit of a, One Week Later, kind of thing at the beginning of this might have helped. I thought they were still sitting together in the same spot as the first part. Scared me a little... Anywho, fantastic. Even if you're still working off your writers block
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