Muse

I may not always love you 1

As long as there are stars above you 2

You never need to doubt it 3

I'll make you so sure about it 4

God only knows what I'd do without you 5

If you should ever leave me 6

Well life would still go on believe me 7

The world would show nothing to me 8

So what good would living do me9

She threw all the intensity in her life into a song. 10

She couldn't tell anyone. He was killing her minute by minute, silence by silence, and she couldn't say. 11

It would have broken her world if they'd known. If Violet ever found out. Violet didn't like to do things without her. Didn't like things that made her emotional, or took her away. Books aren't anything but a way to escape from me, Violet had said, and disapproved so tangibly that it was clear displacement activities were not allowed in Violet's presence. 12

So she read on the train. Violet didn't like music in the house. Music, too, was considered too involving. An overflowing of sensibilities that weren't hers to spill. A way to block Violet out and stop sharing. There was no way she wanted to be selfish, to hurt Violet like that, so she put a music system in the car, kept her CDs where Violet couldn't see them. 13

Violet didn't like it if she spent time with friends. This was their time for each other, their space for 'we'. Only someone who could have had enough of Violet could want more. She couldn't have enough of Violet, it was true. They were exclusive, a couple who fully faced each other and looked into the other's soul without flinching. Devoted, drinking deeply of the marrow of Violet. She was subsumed in Violet's gaze. Folded. Contained. The only occupation she needed. 14

So she saw others on the quiet. 15

Of course, Violet knew. Violet didn't like it if there were secrets. Her disappointment was tearing up her hazel eyed lashes, a silent, mournful statement of the hurt she had caused. Why do you need friends, Violet countered. I only need you. They're not worthy of you. Violet folded herself into her. That peculiarly still, stone hug. As if careful to check she was breathing. Contained. 16

She found friends with books. She met people for music. She threw all the intensity in her life into a song. She did it at night, racing back to Violet with an excuse that couldn't hide the flush in her cheeks or the brightness of wet eyes. The excuse that barely covered twenty five cheating miles with the top down and the stereo on full. 17

The worst thing you could do to me is lie, said Violet. I don't care if you lie, she said to him, moving a cautious step away. He refused to lie. She let her shoulders relax. Violet would telephone, and she'd say I'm at a friends more as an accusation than an excuse. We've been listening to music. To make sure the barbed shot hit home. 18

In her secret stolen evenings away, she let her emotions go wild. Violet sniffed dispassionately, or gritting the disappointment between her teeth as she walked in, dishevelled, two hours late. Violet's emotions receded. Anger and disappointment became her range. She pushed for more. 19

He stood back, not wanting to ask for too much from her. Not wanting to make her lie. She pushed for more. Emotion addict. She couldn't tell anyone. He was killing her minute by minute, silence by silence, and she couldn't say. 20

The enormity of the highs and lows, the secrecy and blatancy, the restraint and release, the lies and the passion. It was a mix that couldn't be sustained. It was a poison that couldn't be survived. 21

He pushed for more. Violet demanded less. Where was she to go? Her life became a pulsing sequence; surges of loss, fulfilment, pleasure, hate, anger, fear, spite, shame, greed, loneliness, jealousy, doubt, fear, need, shame, rejection, hate, pleasure, loss, absorption, passion, secrecy and fear. She began to forget what it was she had needed. Had she needed just to need? 22

She couldn't tell anyone. He was killing her minute by minute, silence by silence, and she couldn't say. Violet had retreated to the furthest ledge of her disapproval, leaving only an obvious clue to indicate the expectation of rescue. She withdrew. 23

She threw all the intensity in her life into a song. The song was burned onto plastic, placed in a jewelled case, an outline traced in fingers of regret, and buried in a box. The box given solemnly to Violet. She lacked the nerve to complete the burial. Violet, fuelled by ice-hot hate, was made of sterner stuff. 24

Violet sealed the box with moulded fibre. She placed the box inside a six foot steel cabinet. A grave, if you will. The grave was locked by a three inch padlock, a key to Violet, a key to her. The padlock was guarded night and day - motion sensor alarms, CCTV, solid steel gates, and guards with dogs. To access the compound, required an eight digit code. 25

Violet chose a combination of their birthdates. That way, she would have to remember. If she wanted her emotions back, she would be forced not to forget. He would not be so lucky. So in some sense, Violet had won. 26

Violet smiled, and walked away. 27

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She sat in the empty room, and listened to something scuttle through the attic. No-one was coming to save her. Nothing was left; Violet had taken the things that had been so long forbidden. She had no means to speak. 29

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And then, one day, years later, the song found her in all that paleness. She listened with unfocussed eyes, as colour and emotion exploded over her, seeping its poison, oozing slyly inside of her, crossing her, making her its own. She listened, passive, struck, as the song threw all of it back at her. Fear. Loss. Fulfilment. Pleasure. Hate. Anger. 31

Spite. Shame. Greed. 32

Loneliness, jealousy, doubt flooded her hollow cheeks. Need, shame and rejection bled as white noise in her ears. Pleasure, loss and absorption seized her groin, her breasts, her throat. Her mouth swelled and choked on: passion, secrecy, fear. 33

The rush of feeling seized her, as her fists balled and stretched, pulling the tangled hair upwards from shocked eyes and gasping. Pushing her pelvis forward, she let it engulf her. Her feet twisted and pointing. A rictus. Pushing for more. 34

If they'd known what she'd hidden there. It would have broken their world. 35

She swam in the wet poisonous music of the secrets she kept. She threw all the intensity of a life into the song. Gorging, uncontained. Wildness. She wouldn't tell anyone. She'd hide in the silence. It was killing her, minute by minute. She would never say. 36

I think I'm drowning 37

Asphyxiated 38

I want to break the spell 39

That you've created 40

You're something beautiful 41

A contradiction 42

I want to play the game 43

I want the friction 44

You 45

Will be 46

The death of me 47

You will suck the life out of me 48

Bury it 49

I won't let you bury it 50

I won't let you smother it 51

I won't let you murder it 52

Our time is running out 53

I wanted freedom 54

But I'm restricted 55

I tried to give you up 56

But I'm addicted 57

Now that you know I'm scrapped 58

Sense of elation 59

You'd never dream of 60

Breaking this fixation 61

Our time is running out 62

I won't let you push it underground 63

You won't stop me screaming out64