"Tell me about the sunrise," she whispered, turning her back on the sea and facing his direction. 1
Her eyes were unfocused and looked off above his head and into a distance she could not see. It was the first day she was let out off the hospital and he had brought her here, where she could be surrounded by the feeling of the ocean, which he knew she'd always love, even, now, if she couldn't see.2
He looked directly into her lovely, incapable eyes, knowing she could never return his gaze in the same way. 3
"This sunrise," he began, "is as beautiful as it's always been to me."4
He touched her soft, rippled hair. "The waves are exactly the same: gentle, inviting..."5
He eyed the shine the rising sun was casting on her dark tresses. "...with streaks of sun dancing on each ripple..."6
He looked at the glow on her face. "But the sun, the sun is the crowning glory of it all. It livens up every corner of my world."7
Two girls, wanting to get a good, early start at the beach, strutted by, clad in skimpy, two-piece swimsuits. "Not even the passing seabirds can bribe me to look away..."8
"My sunrise puts everything else to shame," he ended. 9
She let out a little, satisfied sigh and muttered, "Just like I remember," not being able to see that his eyes had not once left her face for a single moment.10
Author notes
Meh. I don't think it's my best best work, but it's ok I guess.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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Oh thanks very much for that bit of advice! But I dunno...I kinda like that last bit as a way to wrap things up. If I had taken it out and just written
"..."Just like I remember."
And ended it like that...I dunno..it makes her seem conceited. Hmm...I'll have to think about this for a bit, but right now I'm dead tired so it'll have to be some other time.
Thanks much for the comment! -
esoteric
This is gorgeous, it really is. What a great central metaphor, nicely realised.
So nicely, actually, that I'm not sure you need the last bit: 'not being able to see that his eyes had not once left her face for a single moment.' I think you can trust your reader to know. -
That's for sure. Wouldn't it be great if all guys were like that, eh?
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"My sunrise puts everything else to shame," he ended.
She let out a little, satisfied sigh and muttered, "Just like I remember," not being able to see that his eyes had not once left her face for a single moment.
this is so beautiful...don't we all wish for someone like him. you did a great job writing this
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