Angry Teahcer Attack!! Just kidding...

I hid in the mesh metal airlock the first day of classes.1

I’m not kidding, and yeah, I know, it sounds like that. I’m not. It’s true, every last bit of it, no matter how weird it might seem.2

And it’s weird, trust me. 3

I really didn’t want to go. I had so many better things to be doing. Summer robbed me of my freedom, in a nice way that only summer could. And then school, the dreaded five--six?—letter word would rob me of the rest of the years of freedom. I could just escape now, and leave all the freedomless years behind me. But no, my mom had other plans.4

“Rise and shine, sweetie! RISE AND SHINE, SWEETIE!!” she yelled as I grumbled. Oh, and how I grumbled that morning. Six a.m., and she was screaming “RISE AND SHINE, SWEETIE!” like it was some hippie-on-crack convention. School didn’t even start for another…two hours. The woman had woken me up TWO HOURS earlier. If there was any time I wanted to be an orphan, it was then. 5

“Okay, mom…I’m up. I’M UP!” and I promptly fell back to sleep. I swear, if I hadn’t realized that I had to shower and shave, the woman would have gotten pots and pans. It was enough that she reminded me of Amanda from “Menagerie” with her stupid “RISE AND SHINE”’s, and that every detail of my summer life hidden away from my parent’s watchful eyes was open for discussion. Six a.m.! I did not function this early without coffee.6

I showered. It was delightfully uneventful except for the part where I slipped on the soap and shaved half my eyebrow off. Not a smart thing to do. I had forgotten why I never took showers in the morning, and that was the main reason. I was way too preppy-stoned to actually know if my shampoo was acne wash or actual shampoo in the morning (preppy stoned-acting like you’re stoned when you’re actually not). When I was done, I also realized there were no towels. I decided, as a psychotic chick without coffee and half an eyebrow, I was going to make a mad dash for it. Even though I was naked and my twenty-two year old brother was home for college. No biggie, though. I ran as fast as a child running from Michael Jackson, trying to cover myself with my pajamas as best as I could. And, to my luck, my dad chooses THAT TIME to see if I was going to ride my bike to school. Great, just what I needed.7

It’s not like I don’t love my dad or anything, but around girls he’s kinda…squeamish. Actually squeamish isn’t even the right word. If a girl was chasing him asking him for a tissue and they were conveniently on a track and there was a convenient Olympic marathon for track going on, he would win, hands down. You don’t believe me, do you? Okay, here, let me elaborate.8

Me: Dad, I got my period.9

Dad: Uh, okay. 10

Me: Dad. I. got. my. PERIOD.11

Dad: Yes, you just said that. 12

Me: Yeah, I KNOW I just said that. How could I NOT know that I just said that? But dad, you don’t understand. I got my PERIOD.13

Dad: Can you stop saying that?14

Me: What?15

Dad: That.16

Me: What?17

Dad: That…word.18

Me: What…the word “what”?19

Dad: No, the other one.20

Me:…Period?21

Dad: Yeah, I’m not too sure how to deal with these things. Ask your mom.22

Me: Dad, I would, but she’s at work. She doesn’t HAVE her period, so she doesn’t have any PADS. Dad, I need you to get me some PADS.23

Dad: W-w-WHAT?24

Me: Are you freaking kidding me? Dad, give me the freaking keys and I’ll drive there myself!!25

Dad: But you’re only thirteen. You can’t drive.26

Me: EXACTLY!!! That’s why I’m asking YOU!!27

Dad: Honey, I really don’t know how to…28

Me: Oh my…for the love of all that is chocolaty!! 29

Dad:…I have to go back to work, honey. Call me if you need anything, okay? Anything but…that.30

And THAT is how, at thirteen, when I was home alone with my father (who is a journalist by the way, that’s why they let him work from home), I had to stuff a bunch of paper towels in my underwear to tide me over until my mom came. I wanted to KILL my dad. So, if I am going ANYWHERE where I can’t reach my mom, I bring supplies; even if I already HAD my period. Who knows when some blackmailing could come in handy?31

And so, that is why, I, a seventeen year-old female, was more embarrassed for my dad (who wasn’t even NAKED IN THE HALLWAY) then I was for myself. So, of course, my breakfast was ruined, too. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. It was the as bad as a look from a guy who just found out he sucks at kissing, and instead of kissing him more you want to go wash your mouth out with soap. And, of course, I’d NEVER kiss my dad. Ew. But I have kissed bad kissers. How the heck do they survive? And leaving the tangent, my Wheaties got all soggy (which I hate), and Brett rolled out of bed and came down smelling like booze and girls’ underwear (which I hate even MORE) and then, the bus came. And that was weird. I live so close to school the bus isn’t supposed to come for me. But I wanted it.32

So, like a mad woman, I chased the bus down the road. Yes, I was all ready for school with my backpack of flowers and anti-war signs (I couldn’t get an anti-president bush sticker because my mom would frown and yell shrilly, which I wanted to avoid) and my perfect back-to-school outfit, which was now ruined by the amazing timing of the weatherman to be RIGHT, for once. 33

It rained…on me…ALL OVER ME…and I was soaked. I could hear the squishy gross water in my shoes, that were so perfect (FUGGS, flipping fake UGGS, that I got from my next-door-neighbor Sunjin Kim, brother to my best friend since pre-k 1, Bokyung Kim) and now totally ruined. And my makeup? Oh yeah, it was gone. If I was ever pretty, it was not now…the moment I ran into the cutest guy I had ever seen.34

“Hey.” he said, with that little hair flippy thing that everyone can do to perfection but me. And the nod! That weird, semi-sweet nod. I never really could master that, either. I suck. But there he was, glistening in his glory. And I had no idea who he was. I couldn’t believe that a guy that perfect was unknown to me! But, he was. And, of course, Bokyung chose that EXACT moment to squeal at me and tell me how much she missed me over the summer while I was away at BAND CAMP.35

The day was getting better and better.  36