Delta Masago smiled widely as she drove down the road in her old Toyota, enjoying the cool breeze coming in through her open window. It blew her long, wavy red hair in a tangled mess around her head, but for the moment, she didn't care. She felt so good- better than she could remember feeling in a long time. For once, she felt completely happy and excited over the course of action she had chosen, sure that it was right for her, that she would finally succeed at something...
It had been 30 minutes since she'd left, but she could not stop smiling, had not yet let go of the delicious feeling of exhileration she'd felt when she first decided what it was she was going to do. All Delta knew was it was about time all ready for her to really do something, to discover what it was she wanted... and to achieve it...
Her grin widened as she recalled the look on roommate's- ex roommate, she thought happily- face as she'd informed her of her plan. Kennedy had been beyond stunned- she'd been furious. Jealous, Delta knew- why else would she have been so angry, tried to desperately to lash out at her, to shatter her dreams? Kennedy had always been like that- Delta could hardly believe she'd lived with her for nearly two years now. How had she stood it?
Necessity, that was how. Delta had met Kennedy when she was 18- they'd both been waitresses at a rundown diner. Delta had just finished high school, and knew there was no hope for college- she never had been a good student, though, as her mother had repeatedly told her, she very well could have been if she'd apply herself. Both she and her parents were eager for her to move out adn get her own place- Delta had always had drastically different views from her parents, and they were always butting heads. But Delta didn't have much money, nor a place to go. When she discovered Kennedy's boyfriend had broken up with her and Kennedy was having a hard time making rent, they had agreed to be roommates, and Delta had moved in with Kennedy that very weekend. Almost immediately it had been obvious the two weren't soul mates- Delta was impulsive and rather messy, while Kennedy was closed off, somber, and obsessively clean. They had begun to fight more and more until they were avoiding eah other as much as possible. Now, two years later, it was over- one last spat had changed it all. Delta couldn't even remember what it had been about now- but it didn't matter. The result had come all the same- miffed, fed up with the entire situation, she had announced that she couldn't stand another day with Kennedy and was moving out.
" Oh yeah?" Kennedy had sneered, hands on her hips mockingly. " And just where are you moving to? Back home? Because you're certainly not affording anywhere else!"
Delta had replied snappily in the heat of the moment, not even knowing what it was she was going to say until she said it- but as soon as she had, she loved the idea. Of course... it was what she'd do. It was the only way...
" I won't need to," she said defiantly. " I'm driving to Hollywood. I'm going to be an actress."
Rather than being stunned and awed, as Delta had vaguely expected, Kennedy had stared at her bug-eyed, then burst into laughter.
" You- an actress! In HOLLYWOOD! You've got to be kidding!" Kennedy had howled. Her disbelief had only made Delta angrier- and more determined.
" I WILL become an actress," she said hotly. " You'll see!"
" Oh yeah? And how will you manage that? You have no money- you're a waitress with a 16 year old car! You've never been in a school play even! You're not SKINNY enough!" Kennedy had leered.
That had settled it for Delta. She was a size 4- and she knew that Kennedy, a size 6, could not forgive her that. From that point on, she knew she was going to be an actress, no matter what it took.
" Oh, I'll manage," she murmured. " Trust me."
"Well, good luck!" Kennedy had replied nastily. " I'll look for you in the tabloids!"
Thinking back to that, Delta smirked. She'd show her- she'd show everybody- her parents most of all. All her life they'd been disappointed in her, wishing she could be more traditional, more the way they wanted a daughter and less the way she was. She could just picture their faces if she told them what she was doing- exasperation and disbelief overwhelmed by disappointment, the ever present disappointment. She wasn't going to tell them. She'd let them see for themselves...when they saw her on a magazine, they'd be so surprised- they'd finally realize what she was worth, that she WAS doing something with her life.
She wasn't too worried about getting what she needed- she had $550. If she stretched it out, just getting gas and food, she could make it from Oklahoma, her homestate, to California, she thought. She'd also packed all her personal things and her best clothes- and some of Kennedy's. All in all, she was off to a good start...
Her happy thoughts were interrupted when she saw a slender figure standing at the side of the road. She didn't pay any attention at first- people were always taking walks around here, or just hanging out- Oklahoma wasn't exactly a big dangerous place- but she noticed then the girl's thumb was up- she was hitching. By the time Delta realized this- for hitchiking WAS unusual in the area- she had already passed the girl, who was now waving frantically, in one last attempt to flag her down. Delta bit her lip, torn. It's not like she was afraid to pick the girl up- she was a girl, after all, and therefore incapable of raping her and highly unlikely to kill her. Plus she was about her own age- she might be interesting to talk to for a while.
Yeah, a selfish voice in the back of her mind said, but do I have time to pick up a hitchhiker? I'm on my way to Hollywood...
Oh, come on, she told herself impatiently. To hell with that. Be nice while you can- you definitely can't do things like this when you're an actress. Pick the girl up!
Decision made, Delta made a U turn and drove back to where the girl was still standing, shoulders slumped, expression detached- but somehow more than that. She looked like she was fighting tears. Delta felt a twinge of guilt. She was glad now she'd stopped- she obviously needed a ride, and Delta doubted psycho killers cried if they couldn't get a victim to stop for them.
The girl looked up as Delta stopped in front of her. She stared at her in seeming disbelief, as if she couldn't believe someone was actually stopping for her. It took Delta's impatient motion for the girl to climb in before she hesitantly got into the passenger seat, holding a red duffle bag on her lap.
Delta looked her up and down appraisingly, assessing her for possible signs of craziness or other reasons she might be hitching besides simply having no ride. She didn't look like a druggie or prostitute- not that Delta saw many of either in Oklahoma. In fact, she was pretty, really- long, shiny black hair, olive colored skin, and lovely features emphasizing her dark eyes. Delta could not decide what race she was- she almost looked like a gypsy. She was around Delta's age- 20- so she was too old to be a runaway. Why in the world was she hitching then?
"I guess you need a ride?" Delta asked unnecessarily, hoping the girl would clarify as to why. When she merely nodded, Delta plunged ahead.
" I'm Delta Masago. What's your name?"
" Anais Donato," the girl replied in a mutter Delta barely heard.
"Anais Donato, “Delta repeated as she started up her car again. " That is such an awesome name. It would be a great stage name. Is it Greek?"
"Yes," the girl muttered. All this time she had not looked over at Delta, not thanked her for the ride, or answered in more than a monosyllable. It was beginning to make Delta uncomfortable. She herself was a talkative, outgoing person- shy people made her nervous. She always felt like she HAD to make them talk to her.
" So did your car break down or something?" Delta persisted, trying to subtly pry out the reason Anais was hitching in the middle of suburban Oklahoma- well, as suburban as Oklahoma got- without seeming nosy or rude. But her efforts were once more futile- Anais just shook her head, muttering, "No."
Delta gave up going in that direction- obviously the girl had sworn a vow of secrecy, or something. She changed the subject to one Anais should have no problem answering.
" Where do you want me to take you to?" she asked. "Where are you heading?"
At last Anais lifted her head from staring into her lap, turning it to look at Delta. Her eyes had an odd, empty expression that Delta could make nothing of.
"Where are YOU going?" she asked.
Slightly surprised, Delta smiled quickly.
" Hollywood. I'm going to be an actress."
"Ok," Anais murmured. And that was it. Delta glanced at her sharply, wondering what THAT meant.
" Okay?" she repeated. " What do you mean, okay?"
"That's fine," Anais muttered. " I'll go to Hollywood. I really don't care where I go- as long as it's anywhere but here..."
That calm statement really got Delta's attention. Looking at Anais in alarm, she tried to wrap her mind around what she'd just heard. This girl- this stranger, who had just gotten into her car without so much as a thank you- wanted to ride with her all the way from Oklahoma to Hollywood?! Was she crazy!?
" What?!" she blurted out. " Wait a minute, I can't do that! You want me to take you all the way to Hollywood! Do you realize what a long trip that is?! It's across like five states! It will probably take me a week or two!"19
The blank look on Anais's face faltered. " You don't want to take me?"20
Hearing a strange, almost forlorn tone in her formerly flat voice, Delta heistated.21
" Well, not all that way..." she said finally.22
" Ok," Anais said in the same flat tone as before. " That's ok. Just let me out then."23
She began to mess with her seatbelt. Unsnapping it and throwing it off herself, she reached for the door handle, as if preparing to jump out while the car was still moving. Delta couldn't believe this- this was definitely not the reaction she'd expected. Then again, she wasn't sure what she should expect from a hitch hiker...24
" Wait-" she started. Anais cut her off.25
"Do you not want me to come with you?" she asked. " It doesn't matter either way to me. If you do, fine, great. If you don't, I'll get another ride."26
Her words were casual, unconcerned, but Delta could tell they were anything but. Anais's eyes, she saw even from a quick glance, were panicked, pleading... Delta hesitated, but finally replied weakly, "It's just that..."27
"It's ok," Anais interrupted. " Just let me out then."28
"Look, Anais-"29
"let me out!" Anais said in a louder, almost angry tone. Delta was so shocked to hear her speak in such a manner she obeyed, pulling over to the side of the road. The car hadn't even come to a complete stop before Anais had jumped out, bag in hand as she began to walk away rapidly, shoulders squared as if steeling herself for something terrible she knew was coming. Delta watched her for a minute before starting the car, her stomach knotting guiltily. She had done the only thing she could, she knew. She couldn't take the girl- a stranger- all the way to Hollywood with her. Not only was that stupid, she just didn't want to. The girl hadn't even been friendly- she'd barely said anything. She couldn't have her tagging along when she was trying to be an actress anyway. She'd get another ride, anyway...30
But despite what she told herself, trying to believe it was all true, Delta knew just as well that it could be very false. Anais might NOT get a ride, especially in this part of the state... she might walk for miles, and what would she do when night came? Even if she did get a ride, what if it was with a rapist, or a murderer? Anais was young and pretty, and a woman- easy prey.31
What are you doing, Del? she scolded herself. She's a big girl, she'll be fine. But a little voice in her head questioned, what if she's not?32
come on, you can't be thinking about picking her up again. Honestly...33
But already the thought had crossed her mind, and she was reasoning out why she should... it was the only way to stop feeling guilty, to know Anais was safe. She didn't think she had to worry about her own safety- if Anais had meant to rob or kill her, surely she would have done so rather than hop out of the car without even being asked to. And as for robbing, what did Delta have for her to take anyway? What money she had was in her pocket.34
I don't know what's up with her, Delta thought, but she must be in a bad fix, out here alone... I really shouldn't, but then again, I really should...35
Her mind suddenly made up, she turned again and once more, found Anais walking down the side of the road. She pulled to a stop beside her. Anais looked up, her expression startled, then suspicious- she seemed afraid, almost...36
" Anais, wait!" Delta called. " I changed my mind. You can come with me, if you still want to."37
Anais regarded her with narrowed eyes, seeming not quite to believe her. it was as if she couldn't understand why Delta would do such a thing.38
"Really?" she said slowly. " You want to take me? You don't mind?"39
"Well...I guess not...do you have any money?" she asked, a sudden suspicion creeping up. " I don't have enough to pay for stuff you need and my stuff too."40
" Yes," Anais replied. " Not much, but some. Enough, I think... I don't eat much."41
" Ok," Delta said in relief. " Well- uh- get back in, if you want."42
Anais hesitated for a long moment, looking from Delta to the car, before slowly, apprehensively, opening the car door and climbing back in. They had been driving over a minute or so before she finally said stiffly, " Thank you."43
" You're welcome," Delta replied. " I can kind of use the company anyway. It's a long drive to be alone."44
Anais did not reply, and when Delta glanced over at her, she had not even nodded or acknowledged her in any way. She was staring into her lap, her long hair concealing her face. Delta sighed. Then again, she thought, as talkative as this girl is, I might as well be talking to myself...
Delta drove for around 2 more hours, and the silence between them grew and stretched, more awkward for Delta the longer it went on. She was not a quiet person by nature, and it made her extremely nervous when people were so silent. She tried to think of something to say, but her mind and her tongue seemed frozen and mute as Anais's apparently was. The only questions that came to mind were about Anais- who she was, why she was hitching, why in the world she was willing to travel all the way to Hollywood with a complete stranger, and above all, why she was so SILENT...1
Somehow Delta doubted Anais would respond favorably- or at all- if she just questioned her outright like that. But she could think of nothing to say to her that would be subtle...2
So Delta turned on the radio, in an attempt to mask the quiet that seemed so loud and obvious to her. She didn't know why she felt so obligated to talk to Anais- she hadn't forced her to get in, after all, in fact, she had not even intended to pick her up in the first place. Anais should be glad she had a ride at all- especially with a girl who was her own age and not a psychopath. Btu somehow she felt she had to talk to her, to get her to open up...3
On the radio, Christina Aguilera's voice came on, singing " I'm Ok". Delta turned it up, glad to have a conversation piece- she'd always liked Christina's voice, though she didn't exactly love her sense of "fashion". After singing a few lines,(Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same. And I still remember how you kept me so afraid) she turned to Anais and said, " You like Christina Aguilera? This one doesn't come on the radio much."4
She wasn't too surprised when Anais didn't reply, but she was startled to see that she was crying- silently, and trying to hide the tears that slid down her cheeks. She sniffed, wiping them away quickly. Seeing Delta look at her in surprise and concern, she turned away abruptly, staring out the window as tears streamed down her cheeks. Delta felt horribly awkward and weirded out; she didn't know what to do, or say- obviously Anais was upset, but she didn't know her- she didn't really have the right to prod her about it. Besides, what was she supposed to say- why are you crying? So Delta ended up doing the only thing she could think of doing- absolutely nothing. She turned back to her driving and pretended she hadn't seen anything, that she had no idea Anais was crying beside her. And after a few minutes, when she sneaked a peek over at Anais to see if she was okay, Anais had gotten herself back together, tears dried, once more staring into her lap. Delta looked away, and there former uneasy silence resumed...5
*************************************6
Around 8:00 pm, Delta stopped at a gas station for gas and dinner. There was an adjoining Taco Bell inside it, and when Delta opened her door to pump gas, she called to Anais, " You want to eat here? It's pretty cheap." And, she thought to herself, I might as well eat all the fast food I can get now- I won't be able to once I'm an actress.7
Anais shrugged, muttering an okay. So after she' pumped gas, Delta and she went inside to the Taco Bell. Anais only ordered a small $1 taco, and looking at it, Delta wondered just how much money she'd brought with her. She better not run out, she thought uneasily. I'm not paying for her stuff too. It's bad enough I'm hauling her to Hollywood, when all I know about her is her name!8
They sat together in a booth, eating. Despite the amount of time she'd spent with her- nearly 5 hours now- Delta still was not used to Anais's almost total silence. She was having difficulty deciding whether Anais was stuck up and unfriendly, extremely upset over something, or just very shy... she was leaning toward a combination of shy and upset, but it was hard to be sure. IT bothered her that Anais never volunteered anything, or answered Delta in more than a few words. And yet Delta too was uncharacteristically quiet- not because she had nothing to say, but because around Anais, she did not know how to say it....9
Delta awoke to bright light filtering through her closed lids, causing her to screw them even more tightly shut in an attempt to block it out. But by then it was too late- once she was aware of the light, she gradually became aware of other things- a humming noise from somewhere nearby, a car door slamming, the distant sound of traffic...1
Delta slowly opened her eyes, squinting as she tried to adjust herself to the bright sunlight. It had felt like she'd been asleep only minutes...how could it already by morning?2
Yawning, she slowly brought her wrist to her face, seeing that I was nearly 8:00 am- a miracle, in Delta's mind.3
Stretching her arms slowly and painfully, hearing muscles pop, she turned her head and was momentarily startled to see another girl, sleeping in the passenger seat beside her. It took a moment for her to remember what had happened yesterday, how she had picked up a hitchhiker-Anais- and agreed, for some crazy reason she could no longer remember, to take her with her to Hollywood. Now, as she stared at Anais's sleeping form, she could not comprehend why she'd decided to do such a thing. Too late, she thought grimly. Kinda committed to it now, Del...4
Well, it's not going to be like this anymore, Delta told herself firmly. She's not going to be so silent anymore- I’m not going to let her. I can't take anymore long, awkward silences that make me feel like an idiot. I'm going to make her open up somehow, someway... if I just have to babble to myself all day long just to get a yes or no, I will. But this car is not going to be quiet anymore.5
As she fixed her gaze on Anais, thinking, it came to her suddenly that Anais had talked yesterday- she had said plenty when she had discovered Delta intended to sleep in the parking lot. It was as if Delta's decision had momentarily crushed something in her, some wall, some boundary that had been up. Delta had finally seen some emotion, some life, in Anais's expression, even heard it in her voice. She'd been worried, sure, maybe even afraid- but the point was Delta had made her talk- and that proved she wasn't nearly as silent and apathetic as she seemed.6
It was almost, Delta mused, as if Anais was hiding something- purposely distancing herself, like she was consciously telling herself not to talk- and when she got worried last night, she forgot. I've got to keep making her forget- keep making her talk- or this trip is going to be absolute torture.7
Delta wondered what this girl could have done, what her life must have been like, to make her so reticent, so stiff and guarded. True, Delta was a stranger, and she was hitching across the country- but somehow Delta was sure that this was not the reason behind Anais's cold behavior- she suspected that she would act the same way with anyone, even someone she knew. But Delta didn't get the feeling really that she was just snotty- it was as though she were in pain, and trying to do what she could to lessen it, suppress it. Delta did not know that this was true, of course, but it was what she thought...8
She reached out and tapped one of Anais's arms, covered by her white blouse. Anais awoke instantly, flinching, and drawing back away from Delta's touch in an exaggerated manner for such a light tap. Her back pressed against the seat as she stared at Delta, shock on her face, her breath sucked in as she looked so wild, so strange- as if she didn’t', in that moment, remember who Delta was. She looked from Delta to her arm, staring in a way that completely bewildered Delta. What was her problem?9
Delta had quickly removed her hand when Anais had jerked so horribly, and now put both hands up as if in surrender.10
"Okay, okay, relax! It's ok, it's just me, Delta. I didn’t' mean to scare you- I was just trying to wake you up! I guess it worked," she added unnecessarily. Anais's eyes darted uncertainly, and it seemed for a moment as if she could not let go of her panic. After a while, in which both were completely still, unable to look away, Anais finally exhaled, dropping her eyes and blinking several times. Her hands drifted up to her head, and she buried her fingers in her black hair, closing her eyes. Delta too sighed, relieved- she wasn't going to flip out and kill her. She had been scared for a moment- why in the world would she have such an extreme reaction to being touched on the arm?11
"I'm sorry," Anais whispered, voice catching. "You scared me..."12
"Hey, it's ok," Delta told her, trying to sound nonchalant and failing. "No one's with it first thing in the morning."13
"It's just..."the other girl seemed to be having difficulty deciding on what to say. "I don't like to be touched," she said finally. She wouldn't look at Delta, and Delta saw her ears redden- from embarrassment? Anger?14
"That-that's cool," Delta said. For a moment she was lost, unable to remember what it was she had wanted to wake Anais for in the first place. 15
"I'm going to go wash up a little, until we find a rest stop. I thought I'd tell you so you don't wake up and not know where I was," Delta told her. "You coming too?"16
Anais hesitated, and Delta wondered for the hundredth time what thoughts ran through the girl's head. " Yeah, I'll come," she said slowly.17
"Ok," Delta replied, "I'll just get my stuff from the back." She opened her door and stepped outside, wincing as she realized how cramped her muscles were, and took out her suitcase and makeup from the back of her car. coming around to the front, she called, " Coming?"18
"Yeah," Anais replied, and she stepped out of her side, squinting. The girls walked to the McDonald's front door, each carrying a bag. Although it was morning, McDonald's was already crowded with people ordering coffee to go, couples with toddlers sticky from syrup, and teens grabbing last minute breakfasts before school. No one noticed the two girls slipping into the bathroom. Once inside, they each went into one of the stalls and changed. Delta wrinkled her nose in disgust- not the most sanitary bathroom. It will all be different when I get famous, she told herself. I'll probably never even see another McDonald's in Hollywood...19
She emerged from the stall a few minutes later and began to brush her teeth and apply makeup. Anais too came out and imitated her, her movements slow. When Delta was finished, she turned to her and said," I'm going to get a parfait, want me to find us a table?" Not waiting for her reply, she exited, toting her stuff to dump in her car first. After doing this, she got back into McDonald's to get in line. To her surprise, Anais was already sitting in a booth, apparently waiting for her. Delta smiled and waved, walking over. 20
"Guess you beat me," she said. "Do you want anything?"21
Anais shook her head. Delta frowned. " Are you sure?"22
"Yeah,"she muttered. " I-I don’t eat in the mornings."23
"Ok, if you're sure," Delta told her. "Back in a minute."24
She walked to the McDonald's line. She had a feeling Anais's not eating had more to do with not having money than not being hungry.25
It was another fifteen minutes before Delta ordered and had her food. She smiled as she sat across from Anais, determined that she was going to be pleasant and not put off by her if it killed her- and what was more, she was going to break the girl's defenses.
"Sorry I kept you waiting so long," she told her. " It's just that I don't intend to stop very often, even if I'm hungry later. I want to get to Hollywood as soon as possible."1
As she opened her parfait, taking out a spoon, Delta said to Anais, "So what do you plan to do? After we get to Hollywood? What do you have in mind, acting, modeling?"2
Anais shrugged, staring at some spilled salt on the table and beginning to trace it with her finger. Delta wasn't letting her off the hook so easily though.3
"Come on," she persisted. "Surely you're not going without any idea what you'll do when you get there. You have to have SOME kind of plan."4
"No," Anais said in a low voice. "I really don't."5
Delta paused with her spoon halfway to her lips, staring at Anais in shock. Surely she wasn't serious. She couldn't be. No one would travel so far with a complete stranger if they had no idea what they were doing once they reached their destination!6
"You're kidding, right?" she asked uncertainly. " You wouldn't really go all the way to Hollywood if you didn't know what you were doing once you got there?"7
Anais answered quickly, in such a strange tone that Delta felt a strange chill come over her.8
"If you had come from where I come from,” she said, "then you would." For a moment she met Delta's eyes, and Delta was stricken to see what a dark, tormented spirit they held. It was clear that something in her past, either something she had done or something done to her, was haunting her. Delta didn't dare to question her, to try to pry open that story- not only was she certain Anais would shut down again, but she wasn't even sure she wanted to know...9
Anais blinked suddenly, eyes widening, as if she'd realized what it was she'd said. Her mouth closed tightly, and she lowered her head, shutting down again, Delta thought gloomily. She tried to think of something to say, anything, to grab her attention again.10
"Well, you know what? I know what you could do in Hollywood. You could be an actress with me."11
As she had hoped, that did get her attention, for Anais looked up sharply. Delta could not read her expression. Encouraged, and warming up to the idea, she continued. " yeah, you could be a model, or an actress. You'd be a great one- unique. Probably exactly what they're looking for. With your face and figure, and your name- it's so unusual it already sounds like a stage name. You'd be a great actress. That is what you should do!" She smiled at Anais expectantly, awaiting her reaction.12
Anais did not seem nearly as thrilled as Delta with the idea. In fact, her response was rather odd- she looked down at herself slowly, her gaze sliding from her torso and legs to her arms. It was almost as if she were inspecting herself- very weird, Delta thought. And then she smiled- sad, tight little smile that was more of a twitch of the lips.13
" I really don't think so," she said in a polite, formal voice. " I really doubt anybody would ever want to use me as a model, or an actress either."14
" No, really," Delta protested. " That's crazy. Why wouldn't they? You're a beautiful girl- and different too, not the typical blue-eyed blonde. Why wouldn't they want you?"15
Anais's eyes were focused on her chest as she answered. " They wouldn't Delta- trust me."
Sensing the finality of her tone, Delta dropped the subject, but it didn’t leave her head immediately. She wondered exactly what Anais meant- but then, she wondered about almost every aspect of the strange girl...
Once they were on the road again, Delta tried once more to pry Anais open and get her talking. She discovered quickly that this was not easy- not at all. The girl seemed completely closed off to any personal questions, even ones like " Do you have any siblings?" Any questions directed her way put her in the defensive, carefully weighing each word and doling out two word replies- if she answered at all. Delta was more irritated every time this happened until she had to fight to control her temper. Anais had to be doing this deliberately- there was no way she could consistently do this if she wasn't.1
Finally Delta gave up on questioning Anais, and in desperation to fill the silence, just began to talk randomly about herself. She didn't really care if Anais was listening or not- she just felt compelled to keep words in the air, whether they were important or not. She started by telling her how she'd begun her journey- the fight with Kennedy, the fateful on-the-spot decision to become an actress, and her fervent hope that this would happen, that she would show everyone she knew what she was really worth. She described her old job as a waitress, as a haphazard high schooler, recalling funny fiascos that had not been quite so funny at the time. After 30 minutes of reminiscing, she discovered a startling thing- Anais was listening to her. No just hearing, but listening... Delta could see her turned slightly towards her- still not exactly looking at her, but much closer than she had been- and once in a while, a ghost of a smile crossed her lips.2
Encouraged by this show of interest, of life, in Anais, Delta continued, becoming more animated as she went along. When she had run out of funny stories, almost without realizing it, she found herself telling Anais more serious things- things she rarely admitted to herself, let alone to others. She found herself talking about emotions she could not explain- her loneliness, restlessness while growing up, the emptiness she felt inside... her futile attempts to discover who she was and what she wanted... her parents' ever present disappointment in her and her sense that she could never please them, would never succeed enough to redeem her past failings to them...3
She told Anais how she'd never really had any close friends- male or female- never seemed to bond with anyone, as much as she wanted to... of her failed relationships, each one ending so badly she didn't even mourn their loss but was instead glad to be over with them. And then, almost as if it were another person speaking, she could hear herself telling a truth she had never quite understood until she spoke it aloud- her greatest fear, that she would one day discover she was never going to do anything to stand out, that she would be common and average her whole life... unexciting, boring- normal.4
As she spoke to Anais, Delta realized, to her amazement, that it didn't feel weird to expose her inner self to a virtual, silent stranger- and a hitch hiker, no less. In fact, it felt strangely natural, unremarkable- as if she'd always known her... as the words flowed from her more easily, Delta felt a warm rush of optimism and relief about her life, her path she was taking now. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so good about herself. And she did feel good- all just because she'd found someone to really listen to her...5
And Anais WAS listening- that was obvious even without consciously looking to see if she was. As Delta was speaking, she had begun to inch slowly to where her body was turned toward her, almost as if she didn't realize what she was doing, until she was finally looking Delta full in the face for one of the only times she had ever done so, listening seriously. Delta caught her nodding once in a while or smiling faintly... and occasionally she would talk to Delta on her own- just a yes or no, or a uh-huh, but she was talking, and willingly- as if she didn't quite understand that she was doing so...6
When Delta saw this, she cautiously began to slip questions directed toward Anais in her monologue. They were very general, and always had a link to something she'd said- she wanted to gradually lower Anais's defenses until she would speak on her own. And this time, Anais responded, slowly, still with little clarification, but usually at least a sentence or two. And the amazing thing was she didn't even seem to notice...7
Delta's confidence soared as she realized that she was doing it- she was winning, making Anais talk. She began to up the ante, speaking less about herself and more and more asking Anais what she thought. It was then that an amazing thing happened- at least in Delta's eyes. Anais began to talk. Not just answering questions, or commenting on something Delta had said- but TALKING, really talking on her own, telling part of her past...8
She began haltingly at first, stumbling over her words and looking once more into her lap. But the more she spoke, and the more she saw that Delta was listening, the more she began to be bolder, braver, her words coming smoother...9
Anais began to tell Delta the story of her childhood. She alluded briefly to the difficulties growing up a biracial child- half Greek, half Latina- in a town full of people who were the white suburban American ideal. Delta discovered that she had been desperately poor in an area where no one was wealthy but no one did without- while the other girls had clean clothes, new school supplies, and satellite, Anais's home rarely had water, there were holes in the floor and ceiling, and her backpack was held together by staples... she lived with her parents and two younger brothers in a three room house- her brothers and she slept in the kitchen/living room. Her parents were not supportive in the least- her mother was emotionally distant and silent- Anais suspected she had been chronically depressed. Her father often left home, for as long as several months at a time, then would come home, usually high on something, and then he'd leave within few weeks...10
Anais spoke of caring for her brothers, doing all for them that their mother did not, only for them to add to her problems, acting out in school and getting bad grades that required parent conferences that never happened. She mumbled to Delta how she herself had tried so hard to conceal her family's situation, how very wrong their lifestyle was, by throwing herself into school, knowing all the answers, doing what she could to achieve the teacher's praise and admiration so they would stay off her back, not question her further...11
Delta found herself captivated by Anais's words, barely able to keep her eyes on the road and not on her face. She could still scarcely believe Anais was telling her all this- actually opening up to her about some of her problems- it was as if a different girl from before was in the car, one who was softer, more vulnerable, more human...12
Once Anais's sum of her past had reached the point of her at age 15, she suddenly stopped in mid-sentence, her body jumping slightly as if someone had startled her. It looked as if she had awakened from a trance- her eyes got big, and she looked alarmed, as if she were just realizing what she was saying, or about to say. She abruptly stopped speaking, her lips thinning into a tightly cinched line, and once more, very deliberately, she turned away from Delta. From that point on, as hard as Delta tried, she could only get her to talk about impersonal things- nothing directly having to do with her, and certainly not her past, or how she'd come to be hitching. But Delta was more than satisfied- she was jubilant. She had gotten Anais to talk, to really talk, and that was way more than she'd ever expected, especially on their second day together. It should only be easier from now on...
Delta felt so much better now- not only about herself and her life, but about Anais- more warm and affectionate toward her now that she'd shared some of herself, some of her pain... she felt hope for the first time that maybe it could be a fun trip with her, maybe they could get to know each other, even be friends...1
Around 2:00, Delta pulled off at an exit and drove a few miles to a rest stop, where they could eat lunch, shower, and use the bathroom. She made a face when she saw that it was a trucker stop, but at least it seemed semi clean. It was large, with a combination gas station/restaurant/general store. It also said on the sign there were showers- though how clean they were remained to be seen.2
" Did you bring any flip flops?" Delta asked Anais. " We'll probably need them in the shower." When Anais shook her head, Delta dug through her bag and tossed her a pair, donning some herself. As they got out of the car and began to walk toward the rest stop, Delta whispered to Anais, eyeing some of the monster trucks surrounding them, driven by large and rough-looking men, " Don't know if we be fittin' the dress code around here. We be missin' quite a bit- the mustache, tattoos, sweaty Dale Earnhardt hats, and a quite important male body part. Think we'll still get service, or is it like the no shoes and shirt rule?"3
To her astonishment, Anais laughed- a pretty sound that seemed so uncharacteristic of the solemn girl. Delta stared in amazement, unable to believe her ears. Anais had laughed! Somber, sullen, very depressed and depressive Anais had laughed. And she, Delta, had caused it! Before, it had been nearly impossible to get her to speak or smile, and now, in the single day she'd been with her, Delta had gotten her to not only speak and smile but to laugh! She felt a surge of joy, her heart squeezing as she felt a rush of tenderness toward Anais. She was helping her- maybe she could change Anais's life as well as her own...4
Anais's laughter stopped abruptly as she realized Delta was staring at her. Her smile faltered, and some of her ever close to the surface panic came back into her eyes.5
" What?"6
Delta grinned at her. " Nothing," she reassured her. Still aglow with pride in herself, and Anais as well, she impulsively reached an arm out and wrapped it around the girl's waist in an affectionate squeeze, briefly touching her head to Anais's shoulder. It was a short, rather mild hug- it certainly didn't warrant the reaction it elicited. As Delta had moved closer to her Anais had stiffened, but it wasn't until she was actually touching her that she freaked out. Anais jumped at Delta's touch, her eyes huge, and cringed away from her, flinching. Delta had unwrapped her arm from her as soon as she saw her reaction, and now stared at her as Anais backed away, her body shaking. Delta saw not only panic and fear in her eyes, but pain... as though Delta's slight touch had physically hurt her...7
As Anais stared at her, mute terror in her eyes, Delta struggled to regain calm, to relax, telling herself it was nothing personal- Anais hadn't been trying to hurt her by reacting so wildly. That should be obvious from her expression- Anais was afraid that Delta would hurt HER.8
Summoning up what she hoped was a slow, reassuring smile, Delta spoke softly, trying to calm Anais as she remained a good 10 feet from her. She wasn't going to push her luck by stepping closer.9
" Anais, it's ok. Calm down... it's all right. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry. I know you don't like to be touched, I just forgot. You'll have to forgive me if I forget once in a while- I'm just a touchy person by nature. If I like someone, I show them by touching them. I like you, Anais, and I just wanted to express that. I didn't want to scare you. I'll try not to again, okay? I'll try to remember."10
Anais stared at her warily, her breathing shallow. Delta continued, wondering hopelessly if anything she said was getting through to her.11
" Anais- I hope you know I will not hurt you. Do you hear? I won't. I promise."12
Several moments passed in silence as Anais remained rigid, showing no reaction to her words. Delta was just beginning to despair that she had scared the girl into catatonia when suddenly Anais took a shuddery breath and released it, her shoulders slumping as she dropped her gaze. Delta saw her blinking rapidly, fighting to suppress emerging tears. She felt both relief and sorrow for her as she waited.13
" I'm sorry," she whispered huskily. " You must think I'm crazy, and I d don’t blame you."14
" No- it's all right," Delta told her quietly. Anais, who moments before had not stopped staring at her, was now unable to look her in the eye.15
" I- I'm sorry," she muttered again. " I want to take a shower..."16
" Sure," Delta said, suddenly remembering where they were and why. " That's what we’re here for... come on."
They once more began to walk into the rest stop, only this time there was a good 7 feet between them. All of Delta's buoyantness had left her, and she walked slowly, unable to shake the deflation that had descended on her when Anais had jerked away. She had been so happy that they were beginning to interact, to even bond- she had thought she could help Anais- and now it was obvious nothing she could do would really make an impact.
Now they were back to square 1...
After both girls had showered, ate, and pumped gas in Delta's car, Delta had to admit she did feel better, more cheerful- even if she'd taken a shower in a rest stop wearing flip flops, she was clean, and that was enough to disperse some of her gloomy mood. There was nothing worse than having greasy hair to add to a depressed state. After she mentioned this to Anais, Anais admitted that she too felt somewhat better.1
Contrary to what Delta had feared, Anais had not sunk completely back to her former expressionless and noncommunicative state- she would still talk to Delta and answer most of her questions, but it was more slowly, cautiously, that she responded, and her eyes were sharp and alert to sudden movements. She still avoided talking about herself past age 15, but she was talking, at least...2
The rest of the day passed very well, considering, and especially compared to yesterday. She stopped often to ask directions and to make sure she was heading toward the right highways, and used her atlas frequently, having Anais read it and dictate where to go. A couple of times one or the other made a mistake and they ended up on the wrong road for a while before figuring out their mistake. The first time this happened, Anais had gone pale and nearly fearful again, apologizing repeatedly as if afraid Delta would scream at her. After Delta assured her it was okay, that she was sure she'd get them lost again before the trip was over- and then within an hour managed to do so- Anais seemed a little more relaxed, even smiling at Delta's face as she realized the truth of her prophetic words. 3
Delta pulled over at another fast food parking lot around 11:30 pm, and though Anais was still apprehensive- Delta could tell from her face that she didn't like it at all- she did not get as upset as she had yesterday, only arguing half heartedly with her before giving in. It was obvious that she was tired too from the way she curled herself into a ball on her reclined seat, head buried on her knees. Delta too settled in as comfortably as she could, closing her eyes. 4
" Good night," she said after a few moments. There was a pause as Anais opened her eyes, startled, then, " Good night," Anais repeated heistantly.5
Delta smiled as she lay on the car's seat, still fully clothed. She could still hardly believe how Anais had opened up in such a short time- how she had opened her up. It was practically a miracle. Tomorrow, she told herself, she'll talk to me even more...6
She did not realize as she drifted off to sleep how true her words would prove to be...7
******************************************8
The next morning passed much the same as the previous one, only even more smoothly. It was Anais who woke up first, and she woke Delta by calling her name repeatedly- not touching her, Delta realized with no surprise. The two made their way into Burger King to change and eat, talking more easily than before, though still over impersonal things on Anais's part. After leaving Burger King, they drove for perhaps another hour before Delta saw a sign for a rest stop off one of the exits. Deciding she wanted to shower sooner rather than later, she turned off onto it and pulled into the entrance. Both girls got out and walked inside, with Delta first heading to the bathroom. 9
When she was done, she went to the room with the sign for women's showers and stepped inside. There were two showers, both with the curtains drawn, but no water was running. Wondering about this, Delta was about to call out and ask if anyone was in there, but decided not to- she didn't hear anyone, and she'd feel silly if she was just talking to herself. She walked over to the showers, choosing one at random, and with her towel draped over her arm, drew the curtain back. She gasped involuntarily when her eyes took in the figure behind it, the person who had been dressing... the shower had been occupied after all...10
Anais had been in the shower, apparently finished, for her hair was wrapped in a towel. She had only been wearing underwear and was hooking her bra behind her back when Delta pulled the curtain back. But it was not just the surprise of seeing her that stunned Delta- it was the shock of seeing her body...11
Anais's body was covered with wounds, old and more recent, all the way from her chest to her arms and legs, her back and stomach and breasts... old scars that ranged from small and white to long, purple, and ugly, as if barely healed, and without medical attention... and the bruises, multiple bruises of varying shades thrown in with the scars, yellow, green, purple, brown, and blue... one of the most shocking aspects of the wounds of Anais's body, were that though horribly wrong and ugly, they were also bright and beautiful...12
Delta was rooted to her spot, unable to speak or move, to do what she should- to apologize, close the curtain, and look away, turn her eyes from Anais's body, her secret, clearly the heart of her silence, her very being... but she couldn't do it. She could only stare in stunned silence... and know at last, at least partly, the puzzle of Anais...13
Anais, up until this point, had been silent as well, her eyes wide, body trembling, making no effort to move or to cover herself. She seemed as paralyzed as Delta felt. Then she suddenly seemed to come out of it, opening her mouth into a short but loud shriek, and snatching her towel from her head, wrapping it around herself, her wet hair tumbling into tangles around her shoulders. Her scream quickly snapped Delta out of her momentary trance, and she blinked quickly and looked away.1
" I'm sorry!" she cried. " I didn't know you were in here- it surprised me. I- I didn't mean to stare- I'm sorry, Anais!"2
" Get out!" Anais shrieked, her eyes wild and panicked. She clutched the towel frantically around herself, still trembling visibly. " Go away! Leave me alone!"3
" Anais-" Delta tried again. 4
" Go away!" she shrieked. " Just leave me alone!"5
Her heart sinking, feeling sorrow and pity and self-loathing all at once, Delta closed the curtain, taking a shaky breath to gather herself. But even with the curtain closed, she kept picturing Anais, her poor, battered body, so exposed... she could think of nothing else, it did not even occur to her that she COULD think of something else...6
She could hear Anais beginning to cry behind the curtain, her low, muffled sobs wrenching Delta's heart further. She wanted to go to her, to comfort her, to make sure she was okay even though she knew now Anais could never be okay... but she only stood there, not only because she knew Anais did not want her, but also because she felt so incompetent, so young, so immature and silly compared to Anais and the trials she'd obviously survived...7
Nearly five minutes passed, and Anais still had not emerged from the stall; Delta could still hear her harsh, choking sobs. Delta felt helpless, not knowing what to do... she didn't want to leave her, but she didn't see how she was helping by listening to her cry. And yet, she would feel wrong to intrude on her after already invading her...8
" Anais?" she said finally. " I'm not going to leave you, okay? But I'm taking a shower. I’m right next to you, okay?"9
Not expecting or receiving a reply, Delta picked up her towel and once again entered the other shower, stripping off her clothes and turning on the shower head. As she mindlessly bathed herself, she was still thinking of Anais, still wondering how many beatings, how much brute force it took to scar someone so badly, emotionally as well as physically... tears came to her eyes that she quickly wiped away when she recalled Anais's terror when she had touched her even lightly....10
When Delta turned off her shower and began to dress, she realized she could no longer hear Anais crying. Concerned, she exited her stall and stood before Anais's. It had been over 15 minutes now- she had to see if she was okay.11
" Anais?" she called softly. " Are you okay?"12
Anais did not answer. Delta made up her mind then that enough was enough- she was going to go to her regardless of how awkward she felt or how much Anais didn't want her to.13
" Anais, I'm coming in, okay?" Not waiting any longer, she pushed aside the curtain and stepped inside the shower. Anais was still slumped on the floor, her hair wet and tangled around her shoulders, half concealing her face. She was not dressed, and she did not look up as Delta entered. Delta saw with shock that she was still shaking, her thin, battered legs curled up tightly, protectively, against her chest. Delta stepped closer slowly, not wanting to scare her. When Anais ignored her, she eased herself beside her and sat close, not attempting to touch her.14
" Anais. Why don't you get dressed, and we'll leave, okay?" she said softly. " You don't want to sit here all day. It won't change anything that's happened, and it won't take anything back."15
It was a long moment before Anais reacted. she looked up slowly, her eyes scaring Delta with their blankness, their complete lack of feeling. It was as if she were purposely making them like that, purposely squashing any emotion she felt regardless of the cost to herself. Seeing that she heard, Delta stood up.16
" I'll go wait for you outside the shower- give you privacy to get dressed. Then we'll leave, okay?"17
Anais's head drooped slightly. Delta took this as a yes and left, waiting. After a minute or so, she heard Anais stand up, then begin to dress. When she finally emerged from the stall, dressed, but with her face down, Delta was relieved, but couldn't help thinking, oh no, she's just like she was before....18
" All right, let's go," she told her. She waited as Anais moved slowly, taking great care to stay a good distance from Delta. They made their way out of the rest stop and across the parking lot in the same snail's pace, until they reached the car. Delta started it up and began to drive, with Anais beside her, silent and withdrawn.19
After Delta had finally gotten back to the main road, she spoke to Anais in the calmest, gentlest voice she could muster, trying to soothe her anxieties. She was regarding Anais almost as a wounded animal now- one in need of love and pity, who who had to be treated with extreme caution...20
" Anais... I'm not going to make you tell me what happened to you to put so many scars on your body. I'm not even going to ask. If you had wanted to tell me, wanted me to know, then you would have told me. I respect that. I'm sorry to have intruded on your privacy by seeing you like that. I just wanted to tell you though... I’m very sorry that whatever you've endured had to happen to you. Whatever you might have done, you did not deserve that. I wanted to let you know that after today, I'll never mention it again if you don't want me to, and that I will never, ever hurt you like that. You don't have to be afraid of me, Anais- I want to be your friend."21
Delta paused then, glancing over at Anais to see how she was taking it. She wasn't sure if she was saying the right things, or if Anais was listening. If there were right things to say to such a person... and for a while, Anais remained in her curled up world, allowing her curtain of hair to serve as a boundary to conceal her face, her feelings, from everyone else. Delta had almost given up on getting a reply when she heard a sob. Glancing over, she saw Anais's shoulders trembling, and she covered her face with her hands. After a few moments of trying to gulp back crying, Anais breathed in a shuddery breath, swallowed several times, and squeaked out, " thank you..." before her shaking increased. Delta was surprised and pleased to get an answer, but concerned with Anais's shaking. It was so bad she almost looked as if she were having a seizure.
" Anais?" she called. " Are you okay? Do you want me to stop a while?"
Anais could not answer for a while she she tightened her hands over her face, making an effort to control her quivering. She took in a slow, ragged breath and spoke, taking her hands away from her face and wiping her cheeks, blinking rapidly.
" No," she muttered. Then a little louder, " no, I don't want you to pull over... I... want to tell you. What happened... if you don't mind, that is..."
Anais sucked in another slow, shaky breath, closing her eyes briefly. Delta, for her part, was completely floored. That had been the last thing she'd expected Anais to say... ordinarily she'd have been thrilled, as it was proof that she was getting to Anais, beginning to affect her, that Anais was opening up to her her... but now she felt no joy or victory, only the wave of sadness for Anais and her obvious struggle. She made an effort to behave as if Anais's words were not at all unusual, replying quietly," All right, if you're sure you want to tell me, of course I want to listen. Only if you're sure, though."1
" I'm sure,'' Anais whispered, her eyes still closed. They squeezed tightly for a moment, then opened abruptly, and she stared out the windshield at nothing as she began to speak. Delta saw that tears still brimmed in her eyes, nearly falling.2
" I-I told you a little before about my family," she said shakily. " At the time I couldn't believe I'd done that, such a stupid and foolish thing, but I guess I'm glad now... you'll understand a little. You know how poor we were, how my dad was never around, and how he drank, how my mom never did anything for us and I took care of my brothers... I never did anything that was just for me. It was always everyone else who I thought of first... I-I didn't have any friends... I guess I was afraid they'd find out how we lived- I couldn't have told them..."3
She paused, beginning to shake once more, her lips pressed tightly. " It's okay," Delta assured her. " Anais, you don't have to tell me."4
" No, no, I want to," Anais gasped, sniffing back threatening tears. " It's just hard... I've never told anyone before..."5
After a few moments she was able to continue. Staring into her lap, she said, " I had never had a boyfriend until I met him. I was 15... he was 18. His name was Xavier. He was so charming, so handsome, so intense... I thought it was so romantic, how he never stopped watching me, how he became intensely jealous over any time I didn't spend with him... God forbid I look at another guy, even my own brothers... but he was so sweet at first. He told me he loved me, and I believed him... I wanted so badly to have someone love me. I never felt loved in my own home..."6
There was another pause as Anais gulped, collecting herself.7
" He... he made me forget about my family when I was with him... he made me feel better about it. He said he was the only family I'd ever need. I didn’t know how seriously he meant that..."8
" He wanted me to spend more and more time with him, and he was furious if I seemed to want time apart... he began telling me what I should do, and what I couldn’t'. He told me I couldn't wear makeup, or certain clothes, or read certain books. He got so angry if I tried to disagree with him... I thought it was because he loved me. I gave him my virginity to prove my love for him. It-it hurt, but he told me if I wouldn’t, I must not love him like he loved me."9
Here she paused once again, trembling, and tears streamed silently down her cheeks. She began to speak through them, not wiping them away.10
" I ran away with him when I was 17... we eloped. I didn't tell my family or anyone else, what we were doing... he wouldn't have allowed me to, and I didn't want to. I was happy to make a new start, to escape my responsibilities and unhappiness, and to finally be loved... I thought then he loved me..."11
Anais sobbed softly, her head drooping in misery. Delta ached to touch her, to rub her back and hug her in an attempt to bring comfort, but she knew better- what would have comforted most would only bring Anais fear and pain. She knew what was coming, but waited, letting her tell it at her own pace.12
" He began hitting me the day after we eloped," Anais whispered, her voice choked with tears. " I don't even remember why now- I just remember that Xavier was so angry , and so violent.... he just slammed his fists into me, hitting and punching and driving his elbow into me... there was this look in his eyes- this terrible glint- and I could tell he enjoyed it..."13
" He began beating me all the time after that- anything I did to displease him, or even if I didn't, sometimes he'd just had a bad day and sometimes if I went to sleep before he came home, he'd wake me with his fists... sometimes I couldn’t' sleep because I was so terrified he'd wake me up like that..."14
" I was petrified," Anais whispered. " I was so afraid he'd lose control one day, accidentally or purposely kill me... he beat me with his body, but also with anything else he got his hands on. But he never hit my face- he wouldn't want it to show... he burned me with cigarettes, he broke four ribs, my shin, and 2 fingers and my collar bone, and I couldn’t' do anything but let him..."15
" I married him when I was 17, and I lived with him for three years," Anais choked out. " He beat me probably every other day."16
Delta had been listening, horrified and yet intent on Anais's tale. When Anais had finished speaking, seemingly finished, tears still running down her cheeks, she thought with amazement that Anais had managed to survive all that and still be sane, still functioning... had even managed to escape with her life. Delta was not sure that she could do the same in her situation. It was small wonder Anais was so silent, so wary and terrified of touch... three years of marriage to such a man... and she'd thought two years with Kennedy was bad!17
" That's horrible," Delta exclaimed. " How did you get away from him?"18
there was a pause before Anais answered, and when she did it sounded strange- as if she were uncertain of her own words.19
" He just went to work, and I left," she said. " Packed my bag and began walking, trying to get a ride."20
something about the way she said it more than what she actually said sounded odd to Delta, but she quickly dismissed it, telling herself not to be silly.21
" And I picked you up," she said. " I'm so glad I did, Anais. I'm glad I could help you, that I'm getting you away from that man. You DID NOT deserve to be treated like that , you know that, right? You were right to leave him. You're doing a brave and smart thing."
Anais bowed her head, blinking back tears. " I know," she managed finally. And that was all...
The ride was silent for many miles. It was not the awkward, uncomfortable silence of before, but one born of weariness and shared sorrow. It was one both girls understood, and felt a tentive bond through. 1
The longer she thought about it, the more Delta grew to understand and even respect Anais's strangeness. She had no choice to be anything but if she wanted to survive... her silence had saved her, and it had given her the strength she needed to leave.2
That was the part of Anais's story that seemed shaky, the most implied, unsaid... actually leaving her husband, Xavier. It had only happened a few days ago- it should have been quite clear in her mind. And yet she had barely said anything about it. She had been so detailed about everything else- why not that?3
Delta wondered, but didn't ask. Anais had told her quite enough for one day, much more than she'd ever expected. She knew the girl's sordid past, so why was she wondering about so small a detail? Jesus, Delta, didn't you hear enough from the poor thing? she asked herself in disgust. But somehow she felt that Anais was leaving something out, that the story was not quite finished...4
Anais, after her tortured words to Delta, had lapsed into an exhausted quiet, body slumped in the chair, eyes closed, a look of pain and tension on her face that suggested a headache. But when Delta asked, she said she was okay in a monotone.5
Delta noticed a police car driving behind her on the highway and made sure to slow down to exactly the speed limit. she hated driving in front of cops- it made her nervous, as if they were just waiting for her to break a law. At least they didn’t' seem to be following anyone in particular- no lights flashing or sirens.6
" I hate driving in front of cops," Delta muttered. To her surprise, at those words, Anais jerked, her body going stiff and alert. Her back straightened, and her head shot up as she anxiously looked over her shoulder.7
" There's a cop following us?" she asked, her voice tight and high pitched. Delta glanced at her, wondering what was bothering her.8
" yeah, but he's not following us. It's okay, we're not in trouble. It just makes me nervous."9
Anais did not seem reassured; in fact, she didn’t' appear to have heard. Her entire body was held up rigidly, and Delta saw that she was trembling. Her lips went white as she pressed them together, and her face drained of color. She clasped her hands tightly in her lap, swallowing several times, and Delta saw how white her knuckles were even at a glance.10
" Anais?" she asked, trying to look at her, keep her eyes on the highway, and assess her driving, and stay alert to the cop behind them all at the same time. " Are you okay?"11
It was obvious to both she was not- she looked ready to faint. Her expression was sick with fear and anxiety, and her trembling had increased. She did not reply.12
" Anais, what's wrong?" Delta asked. " I told you he isn't following us. It's just a coincidence. It's okay."13
Anais was breathing in shallow, rapid gasps, her eyes blinking, throat convulsing as she swallowed repeatedly. She looked like she was having a panic attack, Delta thought in alarm. She didn't know what to do if she did- she was driving on a highway in front of a cop, for god's sake, and besides, she didn't know what to do for her. She knew she couldn't touch her without her panicking further.14
Then Anais spoke, her voice a mere squeak. " I'm scared, Delta..."15
Delta looked over and saw the truth of the girl's words. She still shook uncontrollably, and tears ran down her cheeks. 16
" Why?" Delta asked in bewilderment. " We're not doing anything wrong. He won't pull us over! There's nothing to be afraid of." Even as she spoke she was wondering what could cause such an extreme fear of a police officer when as far as she knew Anais had had no contact with any before. Again she wondered just what Anais might have left out of her story...17
" He's going to pull me over," Anais whispered, lips barely moving. " Because of Xavier. He's found me... he's found me..."18
Delta shot a quick look of surprise, disbelief, and pity her way. so that's what it was- the girl was terrified, albeit irrationally, that Xavier had sent a cop to make her go back. Obviously that would never happen, but in Anais's mind, it could.19
" Anais, sweetie, don't be silly. Think about it. How could Xavier know where you are? You've hitched hours away with someone he never heard of. He couldn't have sent a cop to find you and take you back. Even if he HAD asked the police to find you, no cop would actually chase you down and make you go back. All they'd have to do is look at you to see what he did to you. If the cops should be chasing anyone its Xavier."20
None of this seemed to have any effect on Anais. She suddenly unbuckled her seatbelt, hands shaking badly, and curled into a ball on the floorboard of her seat, arms wrapped around her knees, still weeping in silent terror. Delta was alarmed- what was she DOING!? This was obviously not a normal, rational action- was Anais having a breakdown? Still trying to drive, she glanced at her repeatedly, asking, " What's wrong? Are you okay? What do you want me to do?"21
It took her a moment to realize she was speaking, her voice a ragged, choked whisper. Finally she heard, " Pull off onto an exit."22
" An exit? But-"23
" Please, pull off!" Anais sobbed, raising her voice to an almost loud tone.24
After a mile or so Delta saw an exit ramp and turned off onto it. The cop kept going, not following them away from the highway. When Delta reported this, she received no reply; the girl was still lying on the floorboard, shaking.25
After a few more miles off the exit, Anais slowly climbed back into her seat, her hair stuck to her lowered face by her tears. Color was slowly seeping back into her face- in fact, her face was red. Her trembling had not completely ceased, but it was considerably improved. She stared into her lap, eyes averted, shoulders slumped, arms tightly crossed over her stomach.26
" Okay?" Delta asked quietly. Anais nodded. Seeing a Hardee's up ahead, Delta pulled into its nearly empty parking lot and stopped the car. Anais barely seemed to notice or care. Delta turned to her, taking a deep breath, trying to organize what she wanted to say.27
" Okay," she said, exhaling. " What's up, Anais? What happened back there?"28
Anais did not speak, her eyes carefully lowered. She seemed to be sinking, folding inside herself, blocking the rest of the world away.. Delta felt guilty to press her, but she had to know- if she was going to keep traveling with her, she had to know how and why she might behave such a way again, so she'd understand and know what to do.29
" Anais?" Delta prodded. " I'm not trying to be invasive, but I need to know, so I can help you if it happens again. Whatever it is, you can trust me."30
Anais seemed as if she wouldn't answer, as if she didn't even hear. She was completely motionless... then suddenly she led out a long, shuddery breath, inhaling deeply, and exhaling again. It was as if she were just learning to breath. Delta waited, hoping she would eventually speak.31
" I-I didn't tell you everything," Anais murmured. She swallowed, as if attempting to dislodge a lump in her throat.
" I didn't lie- not exactly- but I didn't tell you everything about Xavier."
" It's okay," Delta told her softly. " I'm listening."1
" I..." Anais's breathing seemed to freeze mid-gulp for air, and Delta was afraid she would choke on the very air she seemed to have such trouble taking in. And then she let it out in a loud gasp, and suddenly there were words flying from her mouth; her face twisted as she cried, " I didn't leave Xavier! I didn't leave him- I killed him! I killed him!"2
She buried her face in her hands, and Delta could tell she was trembling violently, trying to fight back hysterical tears. Only now Delta did not know how to react, how to feel, toward the miserable creature before her... she could only stare numbly, shock wiping away any thoughts, except, " What... she killed him? She killed him!?" She felt nothing- not pity, not anger, not even fear- she simply could not comprehend such a thing... Anais, silent, terrified Anais, a murderer?3
She realized dimly that Anais was still speaking and forced herself to listen, to try and comprehend what was happening.4
" I didn't mean to," Anais was sobbing. " I really didn't... I didn't want him to die, I just wanted him to leave me alone, I didn’t want to kill him..."5
" How?" Delta asked dully, her voice and face blank, emotionless. " How did you kill him?"6
" I didn't mean to," Anais repeated, gasping. " I just didn't want him to hurt me..."7
" HOW, Anais?" Delta asked again.8
Anais sniffed loudly, a loud sob bursting from her lips. Finally she said rapidly, her voice nearly unintelligible, " He was drunk... he was already getting in one of his mean moods... I knew soon enough he'd find a way to beat me... pretty soon he came stumbling into the kitchen. He was yelling at me and slurring his words... he started to hit me... I was washing the dishes, I was washing a frying pan... I just let him hit me like usual, praying he'd stop... and then he was reaching for a knife... I panicked, I just reacted without even thinking about it... I still had the frying pan in my hand, and I pulled back and hit him with it, against the side of his head... he didn't even scream. He stumbled back a few steps, and then he just fell down, with his eyes rolled back in his head, and he was bleeding... he was bleeding..."9
She gasped for breath, trembling, sobbing, rocking herself compulsively, arms tightly around her stomach, nails digging into her arms. Delta watched her, spellbound, horrified...10
" There had been a terrible noise when I hit him- like cracking eggs... I think I broke his skull... I tried to see if he was breathing, but he wasn't, he was dead... I had killed him...""11
Her sobs grew louder, more intense, so Delta could barely make out what she was saying.12
" I knew someone would find out, and I'd go to jail... I'd never get out, ever... so I grabbed a bag and stuffed things in it, and started walking... I didn't want to be caught driving his car. I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing, I just went, trying to escape what I’d done..."13
Delta stared at the wretched girl, convulsing with crying, in the seat beside her. She felt her heart squeezing tighter and tighter, until she hurt inside for her... Anais had spent all her life with nothing but abuse, no love, always patiently giving and enduring what others took from her, and the one time she fought back, defended herself, she had the luck of killing a man... Delta shook her head slowly, sadness and pity nearly choking her...14
" I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Anais wept. " this is all my fault. You shouldn't have picked me up. I shouldn't have let you. You don't need someone like me to curse you... I should have let the police get me, or some other guy who'd kill me and put everyone out of their misery... I'm sorry, Delta. I couldn't tell you. I just couldn't... I didn’t want you to hate me. But you must now..."15
" No," Delta said sharply, trying to make her voice loud and urgent enough to cut through the girl's weeping. " NO, I DO NOT hate you. It wasn't your fault- do you hear me? It was not your fault- you were defending yourself. You didn't mean to kill him- and even if you had, you'd be perfectly justified- all you have to do is lift up your shirt for anyone to see that! No one could blame you for killing him- you certainly wouldn't go to jail!"16
Anais couldn't reply; she only cried, rocking in her seat, face lowered, hair falling into her lap... Delta felt a strong urge to comfort her, to pull her into her arms and hug her tight, taking some of her pain onto herself... she now knew the complete answer to Anais and her past, but it gave no satisfaction now.17
" Anais?" she said slowly. " Anais, I’m going to hold your hand, okay? That's all I'm going to do- I won't touch you anywhere else if you don't want me to. I just want to make you feel better, and sometimes holding someone's hand can help."18
She waited for Anais's response, unsure of exactly what it might be... when nothing happened for several seconds, she was about to give up, assuming Anais had either not heard or was too scared to do something so trusting, but then she saw Anais's hand slowly unfold from her waist, and reach toward Delta... it hung there, trembling badly. Relieved and oddly grateful, Delta gently took it, bringing it down into her lap, covering it with her own. She squeezed it soothingly, noticing how cold it was, how badly it shook beneath her hands...19
" It's ok,"she murmured. " Shh." Hesitating a moment, she slowly reached out and place a hand on top of Anais's head. Anais jerked, her head coming up quickly, and she stared at Delta with wide, teary eyes, her face red and tearstained. Delta smiled at her quickly, squeezing her hand and running her other hand down her hair. Anais did not move; she only stared at her, mute but unprotesting.20
" It's ok," Delta repeated. " Just relax. I won't hurt you. Just close your eyes, relax, try to stop crying." She stroked Anais's hair from her face, pulling it back behind her neck, and ran her hand through it once again slowly. Anais shivered, her eyes still sparking fear, but after a moment she relaxed visibly. Her eyes closed, and tears slowly leaked from under them.21
" Relax," Delta whispered as she stroked her hair, held her hand. " You didn't mean to. It was an accident. The bunny deserved it anyway... you have to realize that it wasn't your fault. No one would ever blame you. You ought to be gladly- he can't hurt you anymore. No one can ever hurt you again."22
Anais's breathing began to slow, to even out so it was more normal. Her trembling gradually began to get under control, and even her crying slowed to occasional sobs. Delta's heart wrenched as she looked at her. She had thought SHE was such a mess, that HER life was so confusing- she hadn't known the meaning of having something to complain about.23
" Anais," she said quietly. " Is it okay if I put my arms around you? I'll be gentle- tell me if it hurts. I just want to give you a hug..."24
Anais drew in a shaky breath, blinking... then Delta saw her barely perceptive nod, her lips trembling...25
Slowly, carefully, she pushed back the seat divider between them and wrapped her arms around Anais, drawing her closer... at first Anais was stiff and unresponsive, and Delta could hear her heart pounding rapidly... but then she slowly sank back against her, limp, docile... her head slumping against Delta's shoulder...26
As Delta held her, she could only think briefly, and rather proudly, how very much Anais had grown to trust her... and how she could keep that trust, what she was going to do now... what both of them would do...27
It was a long time before the girls drew apart from each other, and before they had, Delta too had shed several tears. They resituated themselves in their seats, neither speaking. There was no need for it- there was nothing needing to be said anymore. Everything that each had needed to know was out in the open now; talk would only detract from the fragile understanding of each other they now shared, unnecessarily rehashing what neither wanted or needed to be reminded of. It would seem wrong to talk about something no words could give justice too...1
Eventually after asking Anais quietly if she was ready, and receiving her nod, Delta started up the car once more, finding her way back to the exit they'd detoured from. They had been driving for a while when Delta, finally ready to lighten the mood, spoke.2
" Well," she said lightly, " No wonder you don't think you want to be a model, Anais. Not only can you not be a Victoria's Secret girl, but someone might recognize you."3
That little comment fell flat, and it was only after Delta said it that she realized it was not at all funny.4
" I'm sorry," she said quickly. " That wasn’t funny... you know, I'm sure the cops aren't after you, Anais. And even if they were, they'd only have to question you for two minutes before they'd let you go."5
Anais looked over at her, and Delta saw shadows reflected in her dark eyes, darkening her face.6
" But I don't want to," she said softly. " I don't want them to find me, to question me. I don't even want them to find him. I just want to keep going. I want to keep doing like we're doing... I want this to last forever."7
Delta stole a glance at her. The truth was, she wanted that too. She had never felt as free as she had in the past few days, driving with Anais, even with all the initial uncomfort, and the recent sadness of Anais's revelations... she wanted to keep on, to continue their journey forever, to ride away with Anais and never let them catch her, never let her be found... but the truth was that they couldn't. It simply wasn't possible. They'd run out of money eventually, and she was heading to Hollywood... they'd be there in less than a week. Their journey would soon end...8
" I know what you mean," Delta told her. " I kind of wish that too... but Anais, that just can't happen. We'll be in Hollywood in less than a week. I'm not trying to worry you, but what will you do when you get there? If you don't want to act or model or sing or anything, then what will you do?"9
Anais sighed, looking away as she replied.10
" I'm not worried about myself... I'll figure it out. I've always managed before. I'll find something..." here she hesitated, her eyes flicking over to Delta, as if appraising her. Then she added in a rush, " It's you I’m worried about."11
Delta frowned. " What do you mean? Why would you be worried about me?"12
Anais hesitated, reluctant to speak. Finally she said," I'm worried about what you'll do when we get there."13
Delta looked at her sharply, surprised. " I told you- I'll be an actress, of course."14
" No," Anais said quietly, turning her face deliberately to look directly at her. " No, I don't think so."15
Delta looked at her again, hating that she was driving, that she couldn't look at her as she talked.16
" What do you mean, you don't think I will be an actress?" Delta asked, a strange feeling of alarm, anger, and defensiveness lighting itself in her stomach.17
" Can you pull over somewhere?" Anais asked. " I know we've stopped a lot today, but I want to look at you... I don’t' want you to be distracted while driving."18
Wordlessly, Delta pulled over at the nearest gas station she saw, parking at its side. Her mind was whirling, wondering just what Anais was about to say, what she saw in her that made her say such a crazy thing. 19
" What?" she said tightly. " What is it?"20
Anais looked quickly into Delta's face, then dropped her gaze, fidgeting. She took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders, and determinedly looked back up at her.21
" I didn't want to say this before," she began, " because I didn't know you. I didn't trust you, and I didn't want to anger you. Now though- I've told you a lot about me... now it's time for me to tell you about you."22
She hesitated, then plunged ahead. " Delta- you're not going to be able to be an actress in Hollywood. You have to know that, somewhere deep down. It's just a dream, a wish. If you think about it you'll see how unrealistic it is. How do you expect to do it? Just walk into a studio and say, " hi, I'm Delta Masago, I want to audition", and they'll say, " sure, okay", and the next thing you're on TV? It doesn't work like that. Even if you can get through- which you probably won't, with all the security guards- they wouldn't let you audition, and they wouldn't want you in a movie. They'd laugh at you. I mean, you're from Oklahoma. You are a 20 year old waitress who grew up in a trailer. You've never even been in a school play. What makes you think you can be a famous actress? I'm not trying to be mean or nasty, I'm just being honest. I’m worried about you... I don't want you to get there and have them hurt you."23
The whole time Anais had been speaking, Delta had stared at her, dumbstruck, unable to believe what she was saying. Anais, who never spoke, let alone criticized or lectured? And what was more- she couldn't mean it. It wasn't even true... was it?24
" That's not true," Delta said, her voice suddenly hoarse and strained. " I Will be an actress. You're wrong. You don't know how they do things. Of course they'll let me audition. Of course I'll be in the movies. Maybe not right away- but soon. I WILL be."25
Anais did not stop looking at her; she regarded her with a look Delta read as pity, and it both scared and angered her. How dare Anais- ANAIS- look at her like that, as if she pitied her!?26
" I know you want to be," Anais whispered. " But just because you want something doesn't mean it will happen. I should know... and I also know it doesn't help to convince yourself. It only hurts you."27
" But that IS the truth!" Delta yelled. She didn’t' care how she looked or sounded, how badly she might scare Anais. " It's true! I will be an actress! I will! You're wrong, you don’t' know what you're talking about! I am!"28
Anais had begun to tremble when Delta screamed at her, but she held her ground, looking at her steadily, not answering but not backing down. As Delta looked at her furiously, she realized the girl was terrified but holding herself together- for her. She was being strong for her... it was what finally broke her. Suddenly Delta was crying, her breath coming in harsh gasps, tears streaming down her face. She looked away, and she knew that Anais was right- it had been nothing but a dream. She would never go to Hollywood, never be famous, never be anything...29
Anais regarded her seriously as she cried, a mix of guilt, fear, and sadness coloring her expression. Gradually she began to be bolder, and her hand reached out cautiously, until she was touching Delta's shoulder. She rubbed it slowly, gingerly, then more sure of herself. If Delta had not been so upset, she would have realized that this was the first time Anais had touched her of her own will.30
When Delta's tears had slowed, she sniffed, wiping her eyes with one hand. Thanking Anais shakily, she closed her eyes briefly. when she opened them, she looked at her and laughed shakily, her eyes still watery.31
" God, between the two of us, we're both a mess. Maybe we should take a detour to a mental institution."32
Anais smiled uncertainly. Delta exhaled.33
" You're right," she admitted. " You're right. I'm not going to be an actress. I'm not talented or rich or pretty enough. Kennedy was right. She always was... and I probably am NOT thin enough."34
She shook her head. " Look at us... neither of us know what we're doing or where we're going."35
Anais smiled timidly. " Yeah..."36
" What are we going to do?" Delta muttered.
Anais was silent, regarding her solemnly. It was several moments before she spoke. " I don't know," she said slowly. " But we'll figure it out... together. Can't we? Whatever we decide- we'll decide together. We'll do it together- right?" Her eyes locked on Delta's, unsure, hoping, pleading...
Delta looked back at her, taking in all that was Anais... her long dark hair framing a face so lovely, yet so hurt... a body so attractive, yet covered with scars and clothes that hid its true beauty... then she looked at Anais's eyes, and she saw with clarity just who she really was beyond all the surface junk... the things that mattered so much and yet so little...
She saw Anais Donato.. and she smiled.
" Yes," she said slowly. " Whatever we do, wherever we go, we'll do it together."
Anais smiled back. As they looked at each other, really seeing each other for the first time, Anais's smile grew and grew, until she was nearly beaming... she looked like a different person, a person that perhaps one day she could become...
Delta turned back to the wheel, and starting her car, began to pull out of the gas station. The two girls were quiet once again as they drove down the highway, the sun shining over their heads, on their way to a new start...
Author notes
Delta is the character who is innocent and brave with few fears, who doesn't know about the world from personal experience. Anais is the more experienced one who does know from personal experience with many fears.
Delta is just a bit naive if you can't tell... lol. Not only would I never find it feasible that I could be a Hollywood actress but I would never pick up a hitcher... I have never written anything like this before, so feedback is appreciated.
A contest entry
- Do judge a book by its first page by darling dearest.
300 points, ended March 27, 2007, 30 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Something Interesting by Mel-the-Believer.
135 points, ended August 5, 2007, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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I liked this, very much. Nicely written. Thank you so much for entering. Good luck. God Bless!
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Nice write, nice cliffhanger to leave the readers grasping for more! Details are well written, along with dialouge. Nice write!
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