Memorandum with feeling.

20051

DEAR READER2

I don’t know where the time went last year. I mean so much got crammed in. I’ll never get it. Some anguish, some pain, some pleasure, and the occasional miracle! 3

BEER GOGGLES STRIKE OUT!4

The curtain rose on a young couple, my boyfriend and I, kissing the New Year in. We’d been at my mum’s friend’s house for New Year. Jayne always threw the most awesome parties. Karaoke, a gorgeous spread of party food, and alcohol by the bucket load. Even the most boring and dull people got up and danced, as embarrassing as it was to see my mum dancing to ‘I’m horny’ I found myself up and dancing with her, fluttering my eyelashes at the most disgusting of men. I think I chatted up about thirty people, women included. But my boyfriend didn’t seem to mind. I think he was a little drunk too!! 5

As the clock struck twelve I grabbed him close to me, and we kissed. It was our way of showing we were together in this new adventure, which was 2005. I don’t remember much after that. Apart from apologising to Jayne for the Vomit on her brand new carpet.6

OOPS! A BAD START TO THE YEAR.7

It was about February when I got the phone call from Dad. I didn’t know it, but he had been up to Manchester to see my Nana (his mum). And what neither she or any of my uncles had told us, was that Nana’s cancer had returned. She had been taken into hospital and given a full hysterectomy. What’s more is that due to her weight her knees had become sore and swollen, and she wasn’t even walking. 8

We had lost my Grandpa just two years earlier to cancer. I think I speak for the whole family when I say we were all devastated that Nana’s had returned. 9

A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY.10

They don’t come a whole lot more special. 2005 was the year of my 18th birthday. I’m quite lucky that I share my Birthday with one of my best Friends, Johnny. 11

So on the 24th of March, my best friend Tanya, another friend Heidi and I got on the bus up to the city, and walked down to ‘FUNKY MONKEYS’, a roller skating rink. 12

Don’t tell my boyfriend, but there was a really cute guy there. I think his name was Marcus. He spent the whole day flirting with me, and Tanya and I spent most of the time showing off in front of him. Well, at least until Tanya went to turn around mid skate to talk to me and performed the most incredible dive and landed on her bum! 13

Later once back home we met with Johnny, and went out on the most incredible ‘piss up’ known to man. We ended up in the only club in the town ‘Anastasia’s (nicknamed ‘the PIT’! Need I say any more!). I got asked for I.D. on the door for the first time. Which I actually quite enjoyed because I had been going to ‘the pit’ for a year and this was the only time I was actually old enough to go down there!  14

WHY DON'T YOU MOVE IN?15

It was shortly after my 18th birthday that we asked a friend, Harry, if he wanted to move in with us. We had cleared out the spare room, and got a double bed for him. So he brought all his things round and soon got settled in. 16

Things went quite rotten though, which was a shame because I enjoyed Harry’s company. 17

Anyway. Harry was dating Heidi, and it soon got to the point that although she wasn’t paying rent like Harry, Heidi had moved in. Don’t get me wrong! It’s fine just staying over a couple of nights a week. I wouldn’t expect any rent then. But Heidi was in our flat every night. She used the kitchen and never washed up after herself, she’d lock herself in the bathroom for hours on end and use up all the hot water, and when she wasn’t staying over it was because she and Harry and argued, and she would storm out leaving him in tears, and me to pick up the pieces.18

HOLIDAYS RULE! WELL THIS ONE DID!19

A national newspaper in England, called ‘the sun’, every year release an offer. This offer is for caravan holidays for just £9.50 per person. Well a caravan holiday might not sound like much, but Jason (my boyfriend) and I always seem to be a little strapped for cash, so this sounded like the perfect getaway. We invited Harry and Heidi and on April the 29th we were off. We chose Hastings, on the south coast of the country. 20

The holiday park was great! There was a swimming pool, casino, entertainment and bowling all thrown into the price. There was also a restaurant, bar and other activities to make use of. The break alone was an excellent chance to relax and enjoy ourselves. But there was one thing that just put the icing on the cake. 21

On the first morning on site I woke feeling awful. I had vomity butterflies fluttering around in my tummy, and I was lucky to make it to the toilet before throwing up. After a shower though, I felt much better and wolfed down a whole English breakfast!  22

The same thing happened the next morning too, and the next! By the fourth day I knew something was wrong. So I told Jason I was going for a walk, and ran all the way down to the nearest supermarket to buy a pregnancy test.23

Once I had returned I locked myself in the bathroom and did the test. After about ten minutes Jason knocked on the door, and I finally came out, white as a sheet.  He looked at me and smiled sympathetically.24

“been sick again love?” he had asked, then offered to make me a cup of tea and tuck me up in bed. I shook my head and grinned from ear to ear, as I announced proudly, 25

“We’re gonna have a baby!!”26

I can’t explain the sheer excitement and happiness that was flooding through my body as Jason picked me up and hugged me close. You see, Jason and I had been through a rough time back in November 2004. I had lost our baby nearly 3 months into the pregnancy. We had been devastated and this meant we had another shot at being parents. 27

ANOTHER CHANGE OF FATE.28

The feelings of happiness on our return from holiday didn’t last long. Soon Harry announced that he and Heidi were moving out (not that she really lived with us!). He had decided he couldn’t afford to pay the rent on his salary and was moving back in with his mum. 29

They took most of their things away pretty quickly. But there were several things left in the spare room, and we needed it empty to turn into a nursery. They also had the key still, and owed us a weeks rent.30

By now my pregnancy was progressing, not enough to show, but enough to be feeling the backache, and discomforts.31

One afternoon, I had texted Heidi asking her to arrange a time to return the key and collect her things.  Soon after I had, she stormed into the flat, not ringing the doorbell, just letting herself in along with a friend I didn’t know. Of course I was cross, but I left her to it. She collected a few things then disappeared off again. I text her again,32

‘I hope your coming back33

again. There is more stuff34

to collect and I need the 35

key and rent. Please don’t36

just let yourself in again. 37

I’d prefer if you rang the bell.’38

Back she came, storming in again. She collected her things from the bedroom, then proceeded to go through every other room in the flat, including our bedroom, to find anything I may have hidden from her. Of course she didn’t find anything, but she continued to yell at me, cussing and shouting insults. The thing that hurt me most was that she slagged off my innocent unborn baby. She said it would have a crap life because I was it’s mum. I don’t think anyone has ever made me hurt so deeply. As you can imagine, we stopped speaking.39

PREGNANCY SURE DRAGS ON..40

How much longer must I wait?41

patience is a virtue, I know,42

But slowly mine is wearing thin,43

and yet there's so long to go.44

Feeling like it's been a lifetime,45

an eternity of growing round,46

Feeling as graceful as a Hippo,47

as I wander about feeling down.48

I'm longing to see his little face,49

to hold him gently in my arms,50

to kiss his forehead, and promise him love,51

and to keep him safe from harm.52

I suffer from heartburn, and heart ache,53

I'm impatient, I'm pacing the floor,54

please hurry my sweet little baby,55

I don't want to wait anymore!!!!56

Like I said before, I don’t remember where most of the year went. I guess that’s because most of it was taken up by being pregnant. The most memorable moments of the summer I think mostly happened in August. 57

A SPECIAL PRESENT FOR A DADDY-TO-BE!58

On August the 15th it was Jason’s birthday. He turned 23. I hadn’t had much money in the weeks leading up to his birthday, so his presents were pretty mediocre. Apart from one. 59

I had been feeling the baby kick for some time by then. But every time I had tried to get baby to kick for its daddy, the baby had curled up and probably gone to sleep. But, for some unknown reason, possibly fate, on this occasion the baby decided to kick. I was lying in bed next to Jason when it happened. I grabbed his hand an put it on my tummy, and, to his utmost delight, the baby kicked, harder than it had ever done before.60

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE A ...61

I haven’t got an awful lot to write in this section. I just remember how pleased I was when I heard the news. I believe it was the 21st of August and we had gone up to the Norwich and Norfolk university hospital for my 20 week scan, and we had discussed and decided to find out the sex of our baby. 62

The gel they put on my stomach was freezing, but I was too excited to notice. I was going to see my baby!63

Then, suddenly there it was! This baby shaped thing lying there on the screen. Inside me!64

When asked, the sonographer said, 65

“Well, it looks like a boy!”66

NOVEMBER 18TH 2005.67

I was babysitting that night. Well, I say babysitting; it was actually just my 10-year-old sister staying over so my mum could go out drinking, but anyway. We were sat watching ‘children in need’ on the television when Jason got home from work, and I was complaining of tummy ache. I cooked dinner for us all, then got in the bath to try and get rid of the pain, but this time the pain got worse, I knew something was wrong so I rang my midwife and she told me to get up to the hospital. Mum collected Sophie, and Jason and I set off to hospital, collecting his mother on the way. She and Jason sat in the front whilst I knelt on all fours, breathing as I had been taught in class, as the pain became definite contractions. 68

We arrived at the hospital just after midnight, and on examination I was already three centimetres dilated! 69

However my baby boy was not due until the 21st of December. He was going to be premature. 70

UNFORTUNATLY THERE IS NO ROOM AT THE INN!71

Sadly because of the fact he was coming early, and there were no cots available in the neo-natal intensive care unit, we had to move to another hospital, and so I was bundled in the back of an ambulance. 72

Also because he was going to be premature I had to be monitored constantly, which meant I couldn’t move around at all, making the labour long and painful.73

After several hours of progressively painful contractions, growing longer and stronger by the minute I opted for an epidural.  However for this kind of pain relief you have to have a drip, and I was terribly unlucky enough to get the one doctor in the whole hospital who would cock it up!  I remember the pain as she pushed it in, and blood squirted everywhere, all over me, all over the bed, all over the floor and all over her. The funny thing is, I’m the one who hates blood, and I was the one who was in pain, but it was Jason who fainted! I shouldn’t laugh, he was so embarrassed! 74

Anyway, time ticked on. I received my epidural, and the pain went. Whenever I felt any pain, the midwife just pumped more drugs into my spine! Then at 7:00pm, roughly 23 hours in to the labour, I got the urge to push, and I was finally ten centimetres dilated.75

Now they say the average pushing stage of labour lasts one hour. I must have really been pushing hard because After just 25 minutes the Midwife said that she would have to cut me to help get the head out. As soon as she had, my baby slid out, and was quickly wrapped in a towel, and put on my stomach, whilst Jason cut the cord (something he had always wanted to do). And there he was, my perfect little boy. Cameron Arthur Ford, 5lbs 15 and a half ounces, on the 19th of November 2005. Small but perfectly formed, and beautiful. 76

MOTHERHOOD FLIES BY!77

Cameron, at this date (21st of January 2006), is just over two months old, but it seems only yesterday I was cradling this tiny newborn! Christmas was a blur of rushing about trying to get to every aunt, uncle, grandma, granddad and every other relative we could manage. Everyone wanted to spend the day with Cameron! He got more presents than everyone else too! 78

NEW YEARS EVE 200579

Well this brings me to the last chapter of my story. New years eve wasn’t however spent kissing the New Year in! It was spent holding close my best friend.80

I’ve been thinking about it. There are so many special people in our lives, and we just want to be with them all the time. But whenever we look back over a length of time, remembering the things we have done together, they are with us! We hold those memories and those people close in our hearts, our souls and our minds. So lets all stay together. Let’s keep looking back. 81

Happy 2006! May it bring you many a good memory to look back upon next year!82

Warmest regards Lollylou xx 83