The Famished Vow Pt. 11
Prologue:2
The sun rose with a beautiful array of colors over the distant hills and the fiery glare was reflecting off the glimmering surface of the Tower of Grandeur, the ruling chamber of the Imperial Council. The Tower of Grandeur was the tallest tower among the inner city and they were a magnificent sight to behold and it made my chest swell with pride to be part of the force guarding it. The Grand Imperial City, the capital of Ardonia, is the largest city on the continent. A breath of cool air swept over the eastern wall and brought with it the scent of the ocean. The morning of my first duties as one of the City Guardsmen was here! After the long and tedious initiation ceremony the night before, and the celebration that followed, I was dead tired, but I was too excited to sleep or to slack. I had waited too long to let myself shirk my duties to the City Guard. 3
Only the very best got into the City Guard and my father had poked and prodded many of the city's leaders into considering me for training. All my life I had trained with the highest masters and learned tips from every school of power in the city. The most interesting events during the  schooling I received came when the wizards of the city had tried to train me in the ways of the arcane. The wizards school had two different areas of study for initiates. The first consisted of learning the basic arcane spells, and the second learning to use the magical items. The wizards were disappointed to discover that I didn't have the ability needed to cast more than a few of the more basic spells. Although when I reached the magical item training, I greatly surprised both the wizards and myself when I found that the use of even the most complicated magical items came naturally to me, and I could activate them without knowing the word of command. 4
I was brought out of my reverie with a start when I realized that the Captain of the Guard was standing next to me. He was staring out over the eastern wall at the impressive vista of the Ne'Braln Mountains covered in a suit of shining full plate armor. The suit was made of silver and the edge of every plate was made of gold, and the sight of it with the large man in it was quite an imposing visage. As his armor might suggest, the captain was not a man to be reckoned with. He had scars bad enough to scare little kids into wetting their pants if he were to remove his helmet. The Captain had acquired all his scars from the many battles with the barbarians that had occasionally invaded our territory years ago. The savages had come over the northern mountains and slaughtered entire towns before the Captain and his troops were able to successfully repel their invasion.5
The day was perfect, the sun was emerging from the mountains in all of its fiery splendor, and the day held endless opportunity to get ahead. Or so I thought at the time...6
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'Hey Dylan! Wait up!' Ray shouted from behind. The scrawny little cleric had been following me since I passed through the last town. Ginsburg I think it was, it doesn't matter anyway, all the cities have blurred together since the Grand Imperial City of Ardonia fell before the Desert Master and his dragons.8
'Dylan! Wait up I said!' Ray panted as he ran up beside me. Ray wore the traditional green robes of the clerical students of the Divine Academy, the most prestigious religious school in all of Ardonia. A bunch of mindless zealots if you ask me, and Ray seemed to fit the description nicely. I had hoped he would collapse, so that I could continue on in the silence that I had grown so accustomed to.9
'What do you want Ray? You know I don't need any help. And honestly, you couldn't help me even if I did have something for you to do.' I growled at him. I was totally serious, and Ray knew it.10
'But there must be some way I can help!' he whined 'and I can help you find whatever you are looking for!' he added as an afterthought.11
'What could you possibly know about my mission? You barely even know my name.' I replied. I had told nobody about my mission and he had no way of knowing about any of it. My quest to retrieve the Four Keys to Valrani was  not an easy one. According to legend, Valrani, the Gate into the Dramain Desert, is protected by four massive locks. The keys to the locks were scattered throughout Ardonia in well protected areas. I had three, and was hot on the trail of the last.12
'I'm attending the Divine Academy! I'm sure I could help you with some of the spells I've learned. If nothing else I could be your healer!' he said with renewed zeal.13
'I have no use for you. I don't intend to get injured' I replied coldly.14
'Well... uh.. If you tell me I'm sure I could help somehow..' stammered Ray as he stared at his feet and scuffed his boot in the dirt.15
'Well then. Follow me if you can, but know this, I have no reason to trust you, and if you give me a reason not to, I will kill you.' and with that, I spurred my horse into a canter and rode off into the darkness.16
I left Ray behind and continued towards my goal. The last of the four keys of Valrani was almost in my grasp, and entrance to the Dramain was not far behind. The Dramain, the desert, was ruled by the dragons, and inhabited mostly by dragons. The only humans living in the desert live in small, pathetic villages that pay whatever crops they can scratch out of the soil to the dragons Metropolis, aptly named Dragon City.17
Humph... What could Ray possibly know about the suffering and pain I witnessed during the fall of my home, the pain and guilt I felt from the death of my family? I watched them burn alive as the desert dragons burned my home city to the ground. Men, women, and children burned in their sleep... the waking screams of the dead people still fill my head with fear, they fill my eyes with stinging tears, and fill my heart with hatred for the fell creatures we call dragons. 18
Ray could never know the pain, suffering, guilt, and fear that I carry with me every day. Every step is haunted by that day. My steps will continue to be haunted by shades of a memory until I destroy the dragons as swiftly, and as painfully as the dragons destroyed my home. Standing in the ruins of my home, I vowed to avenge my family, and inflict the same horror, pain, guilt, suffering, and fear upon the very creatures that demolished my dreams. It was that day that I quit what remained of the City Guard of the Grand Imperial City, and became the first to don the title of Dragon Hunter since the ancient times of strife.19
Three days and nights had passed since I left Ray behind, and I found myself standing before my goal.20
'Damn'21
The Curse came out involuntarily. I knew the last key would be the hardest to get, and I knew the dragons were very meticulous about guarding their sanctuary, but I didn't expect it to be this well guarded. These were my thoughts as I stared up at the vast mountain stronghold known as Stone Hill. The stronghold is the most defensible fortress in the entire kingdom, besides the Grand Imperial City of course. The main external bulk, and only known entrance to the fortress, sits upon a high balcony in the side of the mountain. It is said that the fortress was built and defended by the wild dwarves in the ancient times. And in the midst Great Cataclysm goblins were able to invade and drive the wild dwarves out of their stronghold and ruling chambers, and have held it since then.22
The Great Cataclysm was a great war between the Divine and the Damned. Â The Great Cataclysm began when two of the most powerful wizards ever known, Kaolin summoned opposing factions of the Divinity23
Why would the dragons entrust the key to the goblins?� I whispered aloud as I studied the walls of the fortress. The question absolutely confounded me.24
The goblins had obviously shirked the upkeep of this fortress... It looks like it hasn’t had a good overhaul in a century. At first glance, my idea is to scale the wall. But when I think about it in more detail, the thought would be suicide . The goblin encampments along the cliff side would spot me and loose a hail of arrows upon me before I even reached the base of the cliff.25
So I decided to sleep on it and figure it out in the morning, and set up camp in a small outcropping of trees and shrubs near the Wilds, I had found a place totally secluded from the outside world in walls and canopy of greenery.26
Old Legend says that the Wilds are inhabited by various demons that draw upon the fears of passing travelers and use them to scare them right into their lairs. Of course, I had to face the very same “demons� in order to get the last key, and the “demons� weren't’t demons at all. They were illusions created by the ancient Wild elves in order to protect their homeland from invaders. The present-day wild elves were distrustful but friendly when I entered their land, and told me the only reason they did not kill me on site was the fact that they were curious about me. I was told that I was to only one in centuries to make it through the Course of Legerdemain. When sleep finally embraced me, it was fitful and restless, my body was sleeping, but my mind was still going faster than a galloping horse.27
“Dragons!� I cried when I opened my eyes to a darkened sky. Their silhouettes dotted the sky to the very limits of my sight. I dodge into the shadow of a large rock, trying to hide from their gaze and ready myself for battle. I reach for the sword strapped to my back, and find nothing but my chain shirt. Confused, I look at myself, and find that I’m dressed in the garb of a Grand Imperial City Guard… a uniform I haven’t worn for twenty-four years. I pull out my old sword, shined to a fine reflecting surface… I remember how I never wanted to have to give that beautiful weapon a taste of blood... But I am over that now, it is not a mirror, it is a weapon, a dealer of death and justice, nothing but cold, hard, biting steel, and should be used as such. But I can’t resist looking at myself in the reflection of this relic of my past, and what I see shocks me.28
“My face… I’m, younger now… but that means…. No… it can’t be…� I stammered to myself. Upon realizing this, I force myself to look at my surroundings and the visage of the Grand Imperial City under attack brings back all the old pain and fear in full force. With an iron will, and teary eyes, I get up, blade drawn and leap from my cover to confront the dragons. The moment I step out from my hiding place, I’m caught off guard and a billowing flame comes hurdling at me at incredible speed, and a voice calling my name…29
I hear “Dylan! Dylan! Wake up! What’s wrong with you!? WAKE UP!� and the voice is accompanied by great pain.30
“Ow… my head… where am I?� I say as I open my eyes. I wait a second for my eyes to clear, and once again, the sight I behold shocks me.31
“Ray! What are you doing here!? I thought I told you to go away….� I groan…32
To be continued…..33
Author notes
Ugh... I had to rewrite this due to battery death. I have more coming soon if you want to hear it.
*Update* I fixed part of this... I ran out of time and will fix the rest of it in a little.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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Sorry about all the weird punctuation and crap. Word doesnt like me copy-pasting into the browser I guess... another thing to fix.
Im going to go back through this and edit it a bit. I had to rewrite this stupid thing from memory in the time from of two hours because my laptop is a p.o.s. and I will have to rewrite it. Come check it out later when I have it all fixed. -
sorry, i tried to read this, but the use of excess punctuation in names or whatever it is -(means…. No… it can’t be…�)- really turned me off. oh well
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The beginning was bit sketchy. You need more use of adjectives. Using "beautiful" twice in the first paragraph caught me off guard. It made me stumble over my reading. The first paragraph was sort of cliche also. "I was a promising hero, but something went wrong, and that's why I became the Dark Overlord of Evil" ... or something to that effect. I just sort of expected it, and when it came, I thought, "great."
There are minor grammatical things that ruin the flow of the story, a fragment with "and" being said twice and words being repeated over and over again in practically the same phrase.
When you go to explain something, don't say, "it is." When you say, "Valrani is the gate to..." It's like you're telling the story to your fellows, not writing it down. If this was a tale told in a tavern or something (since it is fantasy, and that does happen quite often), it needs to be made more obvious. Have an introductin, with the tavern set out, with him and his listeners or something like that. Instead of saying "Valrani is..." say, "Valrani, the gate to..." and continue it from there, making sure not to leave it a fragment.
The timeline jumps around. It's hard to follow at best and damn confusing the rest of the time. You need to make your flashbacks clearer and his thought proccesses more developed. Remember. You know everything about this land, but we know nothing. Write it that way. Likewise, Dylan knows everything about his home, and his past, but we don't.
Overall, there is not enough background. I found it hard to keep up with the places and people he was encountering. This lacked description and character development.
What the hell are these "keys"? There is no explanation anywhere that gives me substantial information on them.
In addition to having trouble following the places, I had no sense of place anywhere here. He was on a guard tower, and there was dawn, but what about it? Did it shine off the white pillars of the grand city? Did hot and dry wind sweep up off the desert? What did the woods smell like? The sky, was it clear, or cloudy? And the air, sweet or crisp? What did Ray look like? Was he old? Young? Sandy hair? Or black? Tell me about the guards clothes, and the different clothes he wore after. Tell me the difference in the swords. Weight. Appearance. Familiarity. Ease of use.
You added his history with the town being destroyed pretty well. His pain and anger were evident, although not felt by me. But why did the dragons do it? Even if he doesn't know, surely some speculation might arise.
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm judging you harder than everyone else. I am. And yes, it's because I know you, because I know we can talk about these things at a later date.
Continue the story. I would love to hear more. Keep it in short story format, no chapters that are two paragaraphs long. Build up character development. Build up description. The storyline, the plot. They are flawless if you can just get your feet beneath you and walk smoothly.
-Arias' Son

