The new shirt

The sound of the small bell tinkling lets the clerk know that a customer has entered his store.  He presumes it is a serious customer since they seldom get people in their store that are just browsing.  That has as least been his experience during his six months of working at the Omni Garb Apparel Store.1

Stepping out from the stockroom the clerk quickly adjusts his red bow tie and steps behind the counter.  Putting on his most polished “glad to meet you” smile he studies his visitor.  The man’s appearance is puzzling.  He’s dressed in an ordinary pullover short sleeve shirt.  There is nothing special about it, but it also isn’t the kind of clothing that suggests this man is there in appreciation of the unique nature of his line of attire.2

Actually, all he sells is shirts.  They look normal enough.  Striving for a sort of unisex appearance, they are all the same long sleeve pullover type of shirt in simple plain colors.  Other than having pockets they have no special quality that the casual observer might detect or appreciate.3

“Greetings sir, may I help you?”4

“Yeah, I’m looking for a shirt.”5

Glancing around the room where the only thing obvious to any visitor that is for sale are shirts, he nods and says, “A wise choice.  So are you looking for a particular color that I might assist you in locating?”6

“Actually I was hoping to find something in the way of a dress shirt.  I need a white one.  My boss just told me he’s going to make me the foreman over at the warehouse and says I need to dress up for the job.  I’ve waited a long time for this chance and it really means a lot to me.  But I don’t see any white dress shirts.”7

“I’m afraid we don’t carry that type of shirt.”8

“You don’t huh?  Boy does that seem strange.  I mean you just sell shirts.  So how come you don’t have any white dress shirts?”9

“I’m curious sir.  How did you happen to end up picking my store to do your shopping?”10

“Actually I saw the sign while I was driving down the street after the boss told me about the promotion.  I was so excited about the break that I just wanted to hurry and find the first store I came to and get the shirt.  This was the one so I figured I would stop by and get me a couple of dress white ones instead of having to look for another store or go over to the mall.”11

“Well we do offer a very special type of shirt, but dress white isn’t among them I’m afraid.”12

“I don’t get it.  They don’t look all that special too me.”13

“I take it you haven’t happened across any of the advertisements about our products then?  We have run commercials on television.  Not that many, but a few.  We weren’t interested in inundating the public with them.”14

“I guess I missed them.  Normally I only watch things like sports or movies on television.  I’m not very partial to commercials.”15

“I understand.  And it is shame that you have missed out on our commercials since we are so proud of our new invention.”16

“Er pardon me for saying this pal, but I would hardly consider some ordinary shirt to be all that new.  I mean what’s the deal here do they manage to somehow keep you from sweating or hide sweat stains?  Frankly they sure don’t look very unique.”17

“Oh they are a lot more than that, um I’m sorry I didn’t get your name.”18

“It’s Dan.  Dan Gaithers.”19

“Very nice to meet you Dan.  I’m Cliff.  And as I was saying these are very unique shirts.  I know you probably won’t believe this, but they are made from a revolutionary new fiber.  A fabric designed and developed by Omni Garb’s team of scientists.  This shirt is impervious to any kind of damage whatsoever.  You can’t cut it or burn it or destroy it no matter what you do.”20

“Oh come on do you expect me to believe that?”21

“Absolutely.  I imagine you’ll heard plenty of salesman tell you things that aren’t true, but I’m completely serious when I say this shirt is totally new.  Plus that isn’t its only feature.”22

“I can’t wait to hear this.”23

“When you are wearing it you will be totally safe from harm.  Despite the appearance, the fabric is actually bullet proof and also will keep you completely warm even if you were in the snow.  In addition it will also keep you totally cool if you were say to be stranded in some desert in the middle of summer.  Now tell me that you could expect to find a fabric like that anywhere else?  The best part is that the shirt’s power. if you will, actually covers the entire body.  We could have made a complete jump suit, but a shirt just seemed to have the best market appeal.”24

“I don’t get it.  If this shirt is all that incredible how come not everyone is lined up in front of your store demanding to buy one?”25

“That’s a very good question.  The truth is we do get a great many customers, but not everyone is able to qualify to wear our product.”26

“Oh I get it now, these things are so darn expensive that you have to take out a loan to buy it right?”27

“No, that isn’t the situation.  What I mean is that we have to adjust the fabric of each shirt to be modified to your individual thought patterns.  It is a harmless procedure.  We simple use this special helmet sensor device to read your brain waves.  Then providing our computer can make the appropriate adjustments, one of these shirts can be yours for a very reasonable cost.”28

“I’m not sure that is making much sense to me.  Are you trying to tell me that some people have faulty brains or something?”29

“Oh no, nothing like that.  What happens is that some people have a certain, well, it is kind of technical, but you just have to understand that in some cases we simply can’t guarantee our product if a certain person was to purchase it.  So to cut down on that problem we simply have a screening process.  That way we decrease the problem of customer dissatisfaction.  Look, it only takes a few seconds to have us check you out.  And believe me if you end up being one of the few who actually are qualified you will never want to take this shirt off because of the sense of safety it gives you.”30

“I don’t know.  Look I just need a plain white dress shirt.  This all is well sort of weird.  I think I’ll just leave and —”31

“Please don’t be so hasty Dan.  I mean it costs you nothing to take our simple compatibility test.  I just don’t want you to risk missing out on something as truly special as this.  Look why don’t you skim through our little brochure and I’ll go fetch the scanning device?  You know you will just hate yourself later if you don’t at least see if you could be the proud owner of this unique form of fashion.”32

Dan glances at his watch then says, “Oh what the heck.  The stores that sell dress shirts are open late and tomorrow is the weekend.  I just wanted to get this done tonight because I have big plans for Saturday and Sunday.  I’m going to visit my family.  They’re planning a big celebration over my promotion.  It really makes me so darn happy to finally do something to make them proud.  But I guess it won’t hurt.”33

“Excellent,” Cliff replies, handing Dan a brochure before rushing off to the storage room.34

Dan skims through a few of the details.  The pictures are impressive.  They show people in all kinds of harsh climates wearing this shirt with a big smile on their faces like they are feeling no pain.  There is even one of a guy standing in the middle of a house that is on fire.  He doesn’t bother to read every fact on the brochure.  His emotions make the decision based purely on fantasy.  He’s been struggling to impress his girl friend.  The promotion will help, but the shirt might even help more.  It isn’t like up till now he’s had much to boast about no matter how hard he has worked.  So he just doesn’t want to pass on any chance that might finally give him an opportunity to truly give his girl friend a chance to boast about him to her parents who hardly see him as Mr. Perfect.35

Cliff returns with a hat that looks like a football helmet, except that it has a small row of multi-colored lights running on both sides and a remote control type of box on top with a bunch of buttons.  He lifts it up and places it on Dan’s head and hits a couple of buttons.  Then checks his watch.  After two minutes he removes it and then sneaks back into the storage room.36

“So what did you find out?” Dan asks the moment Cliff returns.37

“Congratulations Dan.  You match.  I had the computer plug in the data and all I need you to do is pick out the shirt you want and I’ll code it with the info and then you’re all set.”38

Dan looks up and sees a nice black shirt hanging up on the wall in his size.  “I’ll take that one.”39

“Wonderful,” Cliff says with a sincere smile.  He can tell from the scanner’s data that Dan basically is a decent and hard working guy who apparently just had too many bad breaks in life.40

Dan comes home a while later and has two bags in his hands.  One is from Omni Garb and the other from another store where he finally got the white dress shirt he needed.  Dropping the bags on the ground, he ignores the white dress shirt and takes out the one from Omni Garb.  Then he looks over and notices his answer machine's light is blinking.  Hitting the button he listens to the message.  It is from the girl friend.  She has a bad cold and can’t join him when he goes to his family for the big party.  He’s disappointed, but decides to not let it keep him from enjoying himself.  Plus it will give him a chance to test out his shirt before seeing her again.41

There is a small instruction leaflet with the shirt.  Ah who cares about stupid details like that anyway?  What is the big deal?  You take it out, put it on and then you’re Superman.  What could be simpler than that?  Still when he feels the material is seems a little scratchy.  Maybe he should wash it before trying it on?  Heading into the hallway, he puts the shirt in the washer and starts up the machine.  Tomorrow he'll give this thing a test drive and see what it can really do.42

In the morning, Dan gets up after spending all night dreaming of how his new shirt will make him invincible to harm.  For somebody who has never had a chance to shine that kind of power is truly like a drug.  However, he’ll start out testing it in a small way.  His mind imagines walking out on the highway and letting a car hit him.  No, he didn’t want to scare some poor driver.  He’ll think of a different way to test the shirt.  Slipping it on, he can tell washing it made it nice and soft.  Then he notices the small leaflet from yesterday.  Stuffing it in his shirt pocket, he heads out the door.43

Several hours later, Dan is standing on the roof of the tallest building in his city.  It is twelve stories and from his vantage point he can see his entire small metropolis.  Inside he is feeling disappointed.  For some reason he thought being invincible would be more exciting.44

Oh he had tried to be creative at testing his shirt.  He had even managed to sneak onto a gun club’s shooting range and wandered out into the target area.  It did give him a smirk or two to see the shock and panic on the guy’s faces when they weren’t able to keep from firing soon enough after seeing him.  Dan had told them some lame excuse about getting lost.  They were so stunned that he had no wounds on his body that they didn’t bother to worry about how true his story had been.  Seeing the sign of relief in their eyes when they knew he wasn’t hurt eased any guilt that he felt.45

Still it just didn’t have the drama he had hoped.  So after several other efforts he finally decided upon trying to leap off the tallest building in the city in hopes it would be witnessed by a lunch crowd.  The fact that he survived would be story enough.  His mind was so drunk with the illusion of invincibility that he never thought that the lunch crowd might include a few who also possessed one of the shirts.  Dan figured  afterwards he would come up with some excuse for explaining why leaping off the building wasn’t an attempt at suicide.46

The thing was that he was feeling kind of odd.  This shirt was supposed to be so darn good at making him invincible.  Yet when he accidentally hit that drainpipe next to the roof door it really hurt.  Dan remembered the leaflet in his shirt pocket and decided to finally check it out.47

“Oh no,” he groans when he reads the part warning him that washing the shirt before wearing it would result in the shirt not bonding with his brain waves correctly.  That it would only work under such circumstances temporarily, perhaps a few hours.  Then the protective quality would be destroyed.48

Dan glances down at the street and sighs with relief.  Boy did he almost make a big mistake!  Looks like he is going to have to make another trip over to Omni Garb.  He’ll figure some way to explain his blunder.49

Turning to leave the edge of the roof, he accidentally trips having failed to notice the small pile of building materials that were there to repair some damage.  He stumbles forward and finds himself uncontrollably staggering towards the edge of the roof.  Desperately he tries to stop, but can’t keep his forward momentum from causing him to fall off the roof.50

A while later in the morgue one of the coroner's employees is sorting through Dan’s bloody clothes.  He finds the small leaflet that is stained with blood.  Through all the red he can barely make out any of the words.  There is something about invincible.  He tears it up and tosses it in the trash, figuring it is some kind of weird joke.  It is always hard to say what goes through the mind of somebody who decides to commit suicide.51