Twisted Modern Day Goldie Locks

Once upon a time...o heck...forget this.  This is my story.  Call me Locks, Goldie Locks.  So one day i decided to go for a walk, well actually, my stupid brother and his friends locked me out of the house.  So i took a walk.  I found this crappy looking house, more of a shack, in the middle of nowhere.  I knocked on the door out of pure curiosity, I wasn't gonna steal cigarettes like my brother insists, stupid jerk.  Anyways, no one answered so I tried the door, the morons left it unlocked!  So, obviously, i went in to check it out.  I look on the table and you wont believe what they had left out!  Jack Daniels!  A huge one, a medium one, and a small one!  Of course I went for the huge one, but it was too warm!  Gross!  So I tried the medium, that thing was so cold my teeth hurt!  Fine, I tried the stupid small one, just right, of course.  So of course I drank that sucker!  Well after that I was feeling a little tipsy, so I decided to go watch TV.  You wont believe it!  They had three plasma screen TVs! The first was 50', the second was 34', and the third was 14'.  Well obviously, I tried the 50' first, but all it had was stupid sports.  So I went to the 34', cooking shows!  Ew!  FINE!  I tried the dinky 14', MTV BABY!  Thats what I'm talking about.  Well after watching MTV for a while i was pretty tired.  So I went upstairs to check out the bedrooms.  I found three beds with a lift and vibrators!  Heck yes!  First I tried the King size, that thing vibrated way to hard and fast for me.  So I tried the Queen size, I could hardly feel it!  Who was this wimp!  So then, I had to try the stupid double.  Perfect!  So, obviously, I fell asleep.  It must have been about an hour later that I woke up to really loud sirens.  I slowly went downstairs to see what was going on.  The minute I got down there the popo grabbed me!  For those of you who are idiots, the popo are the police.  The cuffed me and told me I was under arrest for "Breaking and entering, drinking under the age of 21, and having cigarettes in my back pocket."1