Oh, Blank Indeed

This is simply a message, one to get out of my body, and maybe help me operate correctly from these conditions that have arisen so quickly.1

I realize whose fault all of this is. No one's. And I truly hate that. Not having anyone to blame can destroy a man, or woman, yet in any case that's what is remaining. There is no honest hope, that I can say. Not to anyone's face, especially when they are feeling the unreeling heartstrings of emotion. I can't bear to admit that it doesn't matter, that no one really matters, that in the end we all get fucked over and we're better off without someone else. If we could all return to basic animal instincts and mate, everything would be fine. Unfortunately, this is not the case.2

Most probably, the whole situation began at the very beginning of January, with Caitlin and my break-up. The first day I was emotionally torn, shredded to pieces. Very quickly, though, I picked myself up and carried myself along, giving a rare, quick glance back towards the past and future which would have related to closely to it's own past self. As I've stated numerous times before, I regret nothing. It's physically possible to be sorry about a situation, but I regret nothing, nor am I sorry that it happened. To be honestly technical, it was for the best that we broke up at that current moment. Unfortunately enough, I had started to lose feelings for her when we stopped communicating, and the prolongation of that pretty much erased all feelings.3

I figured this alone would be bad, but following equaled Cole and Lauren's problems. The fact that they talked, but never about their problems in a serious tone was horrible. It was as bad as Caitlin and I not talking in a different sense. Not confronting the problems of the situation equals just as bad as not ever talking at all. Thus, even more problems were created, and while I will forever take Cole's side, thus also is my friendship with Lauren herself hindered. 4

I am disappointed with their breakup, but I honestly think it's for the best. I originally liked Lauren as a friend, but as of late, I've (unfortunately) come to see her malignant side. When I talked to her about dating other people, I gave some name suggestions (friends, and very close at that) and instantly she replied that I could do better than that. I was appalled, and almost hung up the phone at that moment. My very best friends, and she knows, and yet she says I can do better. Whilst maybe I can, these are my friends, which means that technically that would be the better solution to a problem. Relationships do not have good outcomes without a friendship basis (a.k.a Caitlin). This of course can be pursued when looking at Cole's and Lauren's relationship, wondering why she dated him in the first place.5

I know Cole will soon read this, and whilst I can't tell Cole face-to-face, he is much better off without her. Cole, you are a very sensitive man and a loving one at that. Lauren, at the moment, is a freshman, both literally and mentally. She is not into relationship for love; you saw that when she wanted a break. I'm sorry to say this, but you must remain away from relationships like this. I also must, for I too am almost exactly like you. I told you we date the same kind of women, though this certain situation isn't exactly very accurate on that account. There are other things too, that I have heard about Lauren, but for Cole's sake (and also, because I'm sure he has heard them before) I refuse to repeat them. Ever.6

Emily broke up with her boyfriend, and she wants him back, but, unfortunately, I don't think things will ever be repairable again. The situation worsened today at lunch, almost to a climatic level. This also brings upon internal struggles within myself, because Emily has been a  good friend for a long period of time. I would never date her, but I still will protect her as a brotherly friend.7

With everyone breaking up, this hardly feels like the time to be dating for myself. I almost must agree with this logic, but I can't. At the moment, if I hadn't asked someone to a movie on Friday, I would be in everyone's situation. To tell the honest truth, I've considered Caitlin again and again for awhile, but I know deep down within my inhuman and twisted soul that nothing will ever work out between her and I. Whilst we may look fine at first, it will quickly revert to the old situations and problems. I am very proud of her, as she never cheated on me, and due to her past choices, that could come as surprising to some. I'm very proud she didn't. That's something that will remain with me for the rest of my life. But I don't think I can ever return to her. That, and besides, it would take too long for me to love her again.8

So I'm stuck. I don't think Caitlin knows about me going on a date in the near future, but I know she will acquire this knowledge soon enough and be heartbroken. I'm utterly worried for Cole, but he's honestly better off without Lauren. Emily is very upset and I honestly just don't know what to do.9

The best course of action is of course, be sensitive to everyone's feelings. But if I baby them to much and not tell it how it is at some point, they'll be even more hurt when they learn the truth later.10

I'll try and just stick with my own relationships from now on.  Cole, I'll listen to you, and I'll listen to Emily, but I refuse to give any more advice. It seems I fuck up more than I solve.11

I'll just go to a movie, and if that works out, try dinner. No more planning.12

Steven13