Crazy

Sitting on the deep red sofa in the living room, her legs curled beneath her, she could hear the sound of the constant fireworks outside. One after the other they exploded into the night sky illuminating her darkened room for a brief second each time. She rubbed her hands together feeling cold despite the warmth emitting from the crackling fire across the room from her. The flames danced in the grate casting an orange glow around the room, not bright enough to eliminate the darkness of the cold November night. 1

Only when she heard the laughing voices of her neighbours and their children outside did the tears begin to flow freely down her cheeks. She drew a pillow closer to her, snuggling into it’s deep velvety fabric, wishing to be anywhere doing anything but than here sitting alone. 2

The hot tears began to soak the pillow but she couldn’t have cared less. All she wanted to do was drown herself and never have to face another night like this again- another night filled with solitude and tears. This was not how it was meant to be; she knew it could have been better. In some crazy alternate reality life would be better than this. Somehow it comforted her to know that in some other world somewhere she could be happy.3

The banging and consequential fizzing of the fireworks cut through her thoughts and she found herself standing by the window with the blinds pulled back. This time last year they were out by the river. She was wrapped up in his arms, protected from the chill, and he was smiling and pointing out all the different fireworks. They had walked home, hand in hand, and talked about everything they could ever possibly have thought of. Such happy memories they were, but they brought with them so much pain. 4

Her tears shone from the glow of the moon and the explosions of the fireworks as she looked out at the dark November sky. Despite the many happy families and couples she could see rushing down to get to the river on time she could not even manage a smile. Watching all of those people happy made her feel worse. 5

Last night everything had been different. Last night he had been there by her side and she had lain on his chest feeling the rhythmic rising and falling as he breathed. Now he had gone, without so much as a goodbye. He had gone again and this time it was certain that he just wasn’t coming back. 6

She thought that she was stronger than this, she thought that the first time that he left she had learned something- she had closed herself away from being hurt. Whatever she did she could not avoid the pain, she had let him get close and there she was, alone again, crying for the person that she loved more than anyone or anything in the whole world. He was her whole world. She didn’t know what she’d do without him. She managed fine before him, but she had changed being with him. He had opened up someone in her that she didn’t even know existed. 7

She hadn’t meant to fall in love. She didn’t even want to fall in love, it just happened somehow and now she regretted it with all of her being. 8

She had watched the fireworks in his eyes before, and now she was seeing them through her own. They didn’t look anything near the same. They weren’t beautiful nor amazing, nor any of the things she had told him that they were. Everything had been so beautiful and amazing when he was in her life, he made everything one hundred times better. 9

The fireworks rose up as one ball of light and then spread out into hundreds of sparking specs just over in the distance and yet she could barely stand to look at them. She shut the curtain and instantly fell back down onto the sofa, sobbing harder than she had in a very long time. The tears fell down with such intensity and speed that her whole body shook with emotion. For those few moments she knew that this was what it was like to fall back to earth. This was what it was like to stop living in those clouds and return to how everything was before. Except, before it had never felt like this. 10

When he had left before she had felt something close to this, she had started to fall and he had caught her and told her that it was over between him and this other woman. But it wasn’t, he had never even intended on it being. 11

In the letter he left her he told her that he couldn’t do it to her anymore and that he did love her but he couldn’t lie to her anymore. For the past year and a half everything had been a lie because he couldn’t have loved her. And yet, she loved him so very much. She had trusted him that it was over between him and the other woman when it hadn’t been. She had loved him and believed that he loved her too when he didn’t. 12

All he had to do was walk away. She could have seen the signs if she would have looked hard enough, but she didn’t. She turned her back on it and closed her eyes. She couldn’t stand the thought of loosing him again. He walked away anyway. He broke her heart. 13

Walking out to the riverside seemed the easiest way to face up to her feelings. Standing there, looking at the slightly rippling water the fireworks reflected in it’s cold surface it did not feel easy however. This was the hardest thing she thought she would ever have to do. She threw a few stones at the water and watched them bounce across the width of the river, angry at the river itself for even being there. Further along the river the couples and families all gathered around the point where the fireworks and bonfire happened. This was the spot where they had stood, where they had sat on a blanket on the nearby mound. They could watch the fireworks in peace here. 14

Now it was all but peaceful, she was angry at the sky, the fireworks, the stars, the moon, the grass and the river itself. 15

Before she knew it she was in the water. She didn’t struggle. Her tears got mixed into the frigid water and she closed her eyes. This was going to be the end. 16

She had not planned on it ending up this way, but it was how it was going to be. With him everything was so magical, and now, she hated everything. As much as she had not planned on it being this way she had not planned on feeling a tugging at her jacket as she was pulled onto the grassy bank. She lay in her rescuers arms, her head hanging limp. He stroked her hair.17

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he sobbed and held her close. “I tried to go. I didn’t realise how hard it would be. I love you. I really do. I couldn’t go, I couldn’t be without you. Forgive me. Oh please forgive me.” 18

She looked up at him and nodded slightly, watching the fireworks reflected in his eyes. 19