Hallelujah

Note: This story flicks between the present and the past, usually this would be depicted by italics but as it can't be I have put notes in.1

Based on the song: Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright2

(Into the present)3

Pacing back and forth he closed his grey eyes to the world. What could he do now? What was there left that could change what he had done, what the world would think of him? More importantly, what she would think of him? 4

It was obvious enough from the look in her eyes, that pitiful stare that seemed to be looking straight past him into the vacant space. She was shivering, he could see that in the faint glow of the moon, but she wasn’t going to give in to the cold. She just sat and stared. Forever staring disappointedly, breaking his heart into more and more pieces with each passing second. 5

He wasn’t sure what to say, what move to make next. He stopped in the silence and took a deep breath. 6

“I’m sorry Angelina.” It was short, without much power behind it, but he meant it. He meant it from the deepest pit of his heart. He had just got caught up in it all, it had been so fast… a moment of the deepest and most passionate type and it had all just gotten too far. “I know I can’t say anything…” he started and her eyes shifted slightly to look at him. 7

“You’re right. You can’t.” A single salty tear slipped down her cheek and he turned away from her. It was all he could do to stop himself running to her and wiping away the tear. He couldn’t wipe away the tears, he couldn’t stop the pain no matter how much he tried and whatever he did. There was no turning back, no second chance. It was done. It was over now. He stepped closer to her and she flinched. He could see the fear vivid in her eyes and took a large step back. How could it have come to this? He had become his greatest fear… her greatest fear. 8

~*~ (into the past)9

He stepped out to where she stood, her entire form bathed in the milky glow of the late night moon. She looked incredible, but she always would in his eyes. Her hair was swept back but a few defiant strands fell forward and covered her blue eyes when she lowered her head. She was wearing a thick coat over her thin dress and she had it pulled close to her against the bitter cold of the winter’s night. 10

“Ange, you shouldn’t be out here at this time,” he whispered in that Irish lilt that she loved so very much. She turned to face him, the few strands of loose hair whipping in all directions. A slight but warming smile spread across her face and she ran to him, wrapping her arms around him. 11

“It’s been a long time, Luc. What are you doing back here?” She closed her eyes, her soft eyelids lowering over those startling eyes. He felt her lips grow closer to his but he pulled back before she reached him. 12

“I can’t Ange, I want to… but I can’t.” 13

“You can. It doesn’t always have to be this way Lucas. Neither of us want it to be this way forever. You’ve proven that tonight just by being here.” She was right, of course she was. She was always right. He had come because he just couldn’t stand to be away anymore. The temptation had become too much, just too much. And so he had risked it all to be here. 14

She moved in again and he did not make any attempt to stop her. The moment he felt her velvety lips touch his own and felt the warmth from her simple touch flow through them he knew that nothing in the world could be more right than this. Even if it meant that he was doing wrong by the church surely god would forgive him for truly feeling heaven. 15

She tugged off his collar as if a final blow on everything that he was. She tossed the collar aside with her foot and touched her hand to his cheek. “I’ve waited for this moment forever, Luc,” she whispered.16

~*~ (into the present)17

It had been so good briefly. Their love had been everything Lucas had ever wanted. Something he had been denied from with being a priest, but something he felt was suddenly right. It was right with Angelina. And now… now everything was wrong again. He had made a mistake and now everything was empty. Cold. Broken. 18

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was never meant to be this way however he had looked at it. He supposed he had looked at it from every angle and had figured every eventuality but this. Now she was sitting before him. He was standing before her. They were strangers in different worlds. She was broken. He was cold. There was no way of breaking the barriers now. The walls were too high and too rough to scale. There was a distance between them, a terrifying secret, that meant that they could never be close again. 19

Before when he was alone it hadn’t been like this. It hadn’t hurt or even felt alone because he had been with god; he had devoted everything to god. Now, however, he had no one. He knew it was his fault, he could feel it as Angelina’s eyes slipped away from him again to stare into the empty void behind him. 20

~*~ (into the past)21

His stomach did summersaults like a school child’s every time he saw her. There was a pang in his heart that told him that what he was doing was against all that he knew but he loved her anyway. A life without her was unhappy. If she was a temptation from his god then he was glad he had succumbed to it because it meant he got to be with her. 22

Everything was worth it if it meant he could be with her. He would have given up the world to have been with her. And he did. He gave up his world. 23

“I love you Lucas.” Just four words… he had never realised just how much four words could change your life. Just how much they could make everything okay. But they could, and they did. They allowed things to be different for him. 24

“I love you too. More than you could ever know.” 25

She ran her fingers through his dark hair before planting kisses all over his face. “Don’t ever leave me, Lucas. We can make this work. I promise.” 26

And that was when he decided to really throw it all away. No more being a priest. This was what he wanted. This was what his whole life had been for. It shouldn’t have been an easy transition. But with her by his side it was. 27

When they had been together that first night they had just fitted together somehow without the complications of new lovers. They were one, drawn together passionately in a moment of great euphoric exaltation. And that night was the best he had ever had. 28

Not even Angelina’s boyfriend could stand between them, and that showed the great strength between them. She had left David, he had left the Lord. They had both risked something.29

~*~(into the present)30

‘But I screwed it up,’ he told himself. ‘I ruined everything.’ 31

It had been over quicker than it had begun. He wasn’t sure how it happened, it just had. In a flash all was gone and he was alone again, cold and changed. 32

~*~ (into the past)33

“She’s a slut!” David screamed at him. Lucas shook his head with such vigour it may have well have come off. 34

“I love her.” 35

“What would you know about love? She’ll throw you away like she did the others. It’s me that she loves, surely you can see that. She and I… we have history. You can’t compare to that can you Mr. Priest?” 36

Lucas moved forward and before he knew it he had knocked David to the floor. He could hear Angelina come up the stairs but after that he knew nothing. Even when David was unconscious he carried on kicking him, even when he was covered in David’s blood he carried on. He wanted to show him. He wanted to believe that she would never leave him, that he did not give up his life just to be thrown away. 37

Only when he had run out of energy did he stop and drop to the floor beside the bloodied figure. His forehead was covered in perspiration but he was shaking. Then he saw her. Standing in the doorway, tears spilling from her eyes, her face as white as a sheet. 38

“Angelina…” he started but she just walked over to the boxes in the corner of the room and perched herself on one, staring blankly at the wall. 39

He didn’t know why he did it, and for that he cried and he prayed to the god that he had betrayed to follow a dream. But was there really even a god? That he did not know. From his experience he would say not. He closed his eyes and looked up, as the air grew colder around him drying his tears. 40

~*~ (into the present)41

Finally he turned to the corpse beside him, and then looked back at Angelina. Without a word he shot her a look that said all he could. That he was sorry. He wanted to kiss her, to kiss her goodbye, but he couldn’t. He turned his back and walked out of the room, casting away his bloodied jacket. 42