Lying to Myself1
I had thought I was over so many painful things that I had lived through. My marriage was a disaster, the divorce was even more painful, and yet, the most difficult and painful thing I've ever lived with was losing the custody of my four children. The four babies that I carried in my womb for nine months, fed from my breast, bathed and fed, nurtured lovingly, they were gone because I had no money to file for custody.2
I lived too many years with the regret and the guilt of what happened. I loved my children and prayed for them to be returned to me. For some reason, God didn't allow that to happen, but I figure He had something more important for me or to teach me. So all these years I have simply loved them from afar. Even when my children started turning against me, one at a time until three of them were gone, I stood strong and proud. I still loved them with all my heart.3
A lie, a horrible untruth, started forming in my mind and in my heart as I told myself that I would be fine, and my children would come back to me. They will one day find out that they have had their heads turned by lies for all these years, and they will come back.4
Last evening, I went to the ER to have my blood pressure brought down. It was dangerously high, and my husband was so afraid for me that he rushed me there right away. I felt just fine, so I wasn't really worried, but the doctor was a bit concerned. After a CT scan and finding out I still had a brain, an EKG, urinalysis, blood tests, and spending hours hooked up to a monitor, I was ready to go home or go to sleep.5
Unfortunately, that feeling was not to last. They brought in a woman who was pregnant, and her water had broken. She was only three centimeters dilated, but she was already in a great deal of pain. They called the OB doctor upstairs, but they didn't get her out of there soon enough. 6
At first I was excited for her. The idea that a baby would be born right next to me within minutes was an incredible feeling. Unfortunately, it wasn't to last for me. I realized that I was seeing, in my mind, myself giving birth to my own babies. Although I was reliving the most beautiful times in my life, my tears were flowing for the loss of my own children. 7
I suddenly hated this woman. By the time I came back to reality, they had removed her and taken her to the delivery room to have her first child. She was no longer there, but in that little time that she was in my presence, I didn't see her, I heard only her painful moans, and I didn't even know her name, but she had made an impact on my life. Part of me still hates her, but I can't blame her for my own failures. The tears still fall, and I'm thinking that my blood pressure is up again. 8
But that doesn't matter now. All that matters now is that I now know that I have tried for years to hide the one fact that the loss of my children still effect me. My heart still breaks at the loss of them, and I will forever hurt over the injustice of a good mother having her babies ripped from her arms. Now I have to find a way to stop lying to myself.9
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Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Thank you, Sis. Sorry for the tear.
Love, Patricia
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My Sweet TerrBear, what would I do without you? You are wise beyond your years, and your comments bring me back to reality. Thank you for that. Love, Patricia
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Thank you, Sis. I know that God has things under control, but I sometimes would like some of the control back so that I could do what I'd really like to do. I want to set my children down and force them to listen to my side of the story, but I know that won't happen.
In all aspects I have given God the control over my life, but sometimes, I can't help but allow satan to come in and force me to look at my life and feel guilt. I must force myself to attempt to give the control back to God. And yet, when I do, I can do nothing but cry for what I have lost. I would give everything I have to know that my children loved me. New cars, jewelery, riches mean nothing unless you have peace of mind! Love, Patricia -
My dear Lynn, I thank you for your kind words. The lies and half truths are not the most horrid of it all. What hurts the most is that the children have gone through as much, if not different, kind of abuse I went through. I would rather someone beat senseless than damage me emotionally for the rest of my life. That's what he has done to my children.
Thank you again, my friend. Hugs, Patricia -
WOW Gramma... This is an awesome story!!! It is so sad but very powerful and emotional!!! YOu did a great job!!!
Hugs,
Beth -
Sis... this brought a tear to my eye, seriously. This is really thick, but one heck of an excellent piece of writing.
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"Now I have to find a way to stop lying to myself."
You weren't lying yourself dear. If you were, so was I. I know I'm never going to get over it, I just thought I was past the panic attack phase.
I think I know what it is. I know that when I think about the day before (argument and such) and all the bad things involved with the way it played out, I get all upset. Kind of like you did in the ER the other night. It's there in the back of our minds for both of us, but we choose not to dwell on it for our own good. There's nothing I can do now to change the way that Saturday night played out, and there's nothing you can do now to change the way the custody played out. All I can hope now is that anything I do from here on out would be stuff that would make papoo proud and all you can do is hope they have a change of heart. Until I see grandpa again and know if I did or not and until they finally do, there's nothing we can do but sit and wait.
In the meantime, I'll sit here and wait with you and keep you company if you'll put up with my goofyness.
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Life is Cruel
Sis, nothing happens by accident, for all things and people are predestined. And, forgive yourself? For what? For not having the resources available to your children's father? How was that your fault? Forgive yourself for him getting custody? How could you have prevented it?
No, Sis, what you need to do is to let go and let God: "All things hidden will be revealed." For most of my kids years, they thought Dad was a saint and I was the ogre. At age 27, my daughter suddenly had a light bulb moment to realize that she and her brother might have been wrong.
She was exceedingly angry with me for not telling them exactly what was going on when they were kids. My response was, "If both parents had acted inappropriately, how much more confused you kids would have been. One of us had to be reasonable and sane. That was left to me."
I also had been kept from my father, a wicked picture painted of him by my mother. However, I had a glimmer of memory of a very loving father from age 2; enough to have me seek him out when all the pieces came together for me as an adult.
No, Sis, all you need to do is trust that God has everything under control and do only that which you can do: trust Him to reveal that which is hidden from your children, which is the truth. In the interim, send them cards of love every few weeks; love only, asking for nothing, not even a response. In the end, you will be the victor, but must always encourage your kids to love their father, never saying anything against him to them.
Geesh, Sis! I just spoke with you today! Why didn't you tell me about this? I'm gonna tell Mom on you!
Lots of love, hugs, kisses and prayers, SisB♥n 
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Patty this is heart wrenching. I haven't been in a position where I've lost children. The lies the children have been told are terrible but I'm sure you forgive your children because they can't help what they know. In the same way you must forgive yourself for believing a lie. Because you want so desperately for it to be truth. Dear lady I think you are very courageous for writing and allowing this one and to me this means not only are you strong but that you can be healed. Sometimes God allows our heart to break so that we can turn to Him and discover true healing. I pray that once God has done his work in you,your children will return. If you write to them, letters of your heart you may cry but your blood pressure will go down and healing will happen. HuGS
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Actually, Mom, it's very painful to hold this inside. I keep hoping that someday they will come back to me, but I'm not holding my breath. I figure that when I die, there MAY be one of my children there.
It doesn't seem fair, but no one ever told me that life was fair. Too bad. Thank you for your comment, Mom. Love, Patricia -
TerrBear, any loss is great. Who can actually say who's loss is greater? I certainly don't think that my loss is greater than anyone else's--it's just different.
I know how the loss of your grandfather and great grandfather affected you. I lost my father, and your grandfather was like a father to you. I understand that pain very well.
Don't worry about others thinking that your loss was not great-it was! Thank you for your comment, Sweetie. Hugs, Patricia -
Patricia, Sorry I am a little late getting to this one but made it. Wow what a expierence huh I'm sorry you had to see that. But maybe the Lord is really wanting to heal that hurt deep inside you and perhaps that is why I dunno this happened. Sometimes that wound no matter how much we try to pretend its ok comes out. We do feel it and we try to say we are ok act strong or as though we are fine so we dont have to really face it. Sometimes things hurt to much to face so we rather not believe its a problem and then come those tears. Our situations maybe different you know my issues but pain is pain and we can only face it and heal or not but it can haunt us at times if we don't really heal within am I right? I know you love your children and do believe the Lord can fix the impossible. A heartfelt story of your soul I do know how it feels to hold that pain inside maybe not with a child. But with my own issues you take care of you sweetie. Love, Me
Edited on Jan 16, 11:45 p.m. because ''. -
Sweetheart, please don't take offense to my comment. I meant that in the sense that no one understands something unless they have been there. I know there is always the chance I won't loose them. I wish I had your beautiful optimism!! I know you still miss papoo terribly every single second of the day. I understand that loss too. If you have a baby, maybe you'll understand where I am coming from, even then, I hope you never loose that wonderful optimistic attitude
About the part about the murderer, what is that about? If you don't want to share, I understand. I do know about panic attacks, I have them all the time. I also freak-out a lot and my mood is horribly chaotic right now, today being a fine example
please, please do not be angry with me. I was not trying to offend you at all.. darn, this internet!!! True intentions are so hard to "see" in words!!! -
No Martha, I guess I don't understand. No I haven't had the same kind of loss. Losing grandpa (great grandpa as well) is the only thing I've ever lost. It's not at all the same, but at the same time I'll never see my best friend ever again.
I don't know. Maybe the last year or so I've been naive. Maybe everything I've told myself was nothing but false hope. I mean three years later I'm still having panic attacks. Only thing is now that I've gone from worrying about when I'm going to have my next freak out and if I'm going to happen in front of grandma to (after what happened Thursday) hoping she forgets about it before my next physciatrist appointment for my ADD. Maybe I'm crazy, I rather have the panic attacks, bawl my brains out and call myself a murderer in silence than let on that, no, I'm not as strong as people think I am.
Anyway enough of my insanity. At least there is the chance you win. You get your family whole again, and everything is right again. There's the chance things change, and Patricia sees her kids again. Me on the other hand, well some time this week I might go down to St Mary's Cemetary to visit grandpa. -
Thank you, Margaret. I thought I had already forgiven myself, but I guess I was wrong. I do appreciate your comment. Hugs, Patricia
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Dear Patricia, this is a very good piece of writing, and excellent self-examination. Denial is a stage of grief that can last for a long time, it is not wrong to cope this way. Please ask for counselling, it may help you to understand and forgive youself.
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Yes, I know you are facing your own battle. It doesn't end when you lose, Martha. You must prepare yourself for the worst and pray for the best. I didn't prepare myself, because I didn't expect my children to be taken from me. It's about as painful as any heart break I've ever had.
Thank you, Sweetie. I do have your email, and I may take your number. I've really been trying to hide all this from Joe so that he won't worry about me so much. Unfortunately, it's not working well, since we're joined at the hip. Just do what you have to do and remember that there are many people who are pulling for you and praying for you. Love, Mom -
My dear sweet mama, what can I say to this. You already know my own situation. They are not even gone yet, and I feel like I'm dying. I am so alone because my husband is not even here. He's been gone 16 days and he may not even make it back for the court hearing. I'll have to stand there all alone and watch them take away my soul. I can relate so well to this and you know, Terri told me the same thing but, no one understands until they are facing the same loss, the same devestation. If you ever want someone who understands this to talk to, you know my email and my phone number is here for the asking. I can not say that I'll be all that great as I am barely holding it together myself but, I'll try!
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It'll be okay dear, I know it will. They might not come back to you tonight, tomorrow, next week, or next month; but I have a feeling they'll come back to you at some point.
Of course I can't promise you they will, you know that; but whether they do or not, you'll still have me. You will always have me no matter what. You're stuck with me now.
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