1/16/05

You know what I hate?  I hate tears, I hate crying, I hate the whole she-bang...pure unadulterated hate.  Okay, that isn't as random as you're probably thinking it is...it has connections, and there is a reason I put it where I put it...you get an unlimited amount of guesses as to why, though I'm sure the smarter (and non-druggies) peoples of this site have already made the connection, already know why my hatred of tears and all things connected has been put where it lays now.1

Today is just not cool, like at all...not cool man, not cool!  I sit here, and I'm looking at my keyboard listening to All That I've Got by The Used (lyrics to come) and thinking of the first time I heard this...and the The Used shirt that's drying in the garage as you read and how I got it.  So, let me tell you a little (maybe not short) story:2

**Day: The Friday before Christmas**3

I was so excited, Saturday I would be on a plane to my home...god how I missed (still do) that place, I couldn't wait...I was like an addict.  All I had to do was finish these lessons modules 4-8, and I could go home for the weekend.  Now, I was just finishing up 5 when my mom came in and told me I'd better hurry because I had to be in bed at 9:30 (it was 9).  Needless to say I didn't finish my lessons, but my parents still let me go.4

I spent the entire weekend with my sister, and it was the best weekend of my life.  Best time ever, but people down here were calling me, like constantly...looking for advice...ruining it, but it was still the best time I ever had.5

Okay, so the day before I left (Sunday) I got presents!  I got presents from my boss Lillian and my co-worker SuAnn (a Gothic agenda), a present from my sister (The Used t-shirt) and a present from her parents (a blanket from Home Depot that I use even now).6

Now, even though all of these presents were nice, sweet, and utterly awesome the best present I got this year was time with my sister, a whole weekend un-interrupted.7

Don't get me wrong, bad stuff did happen, my sister got really upset (I won't elaborate on that because I highly doubt she wants me too) and I got a phone call from a really good friend of mine down here telling me that her and her boyfriend had broken up.  But still, it was the best time of my life.8

But now that's over...that weekend is over, and though I do miss it, I think it's time I acknowledge that it's never coming back.9

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~10

Okay, so there's no moral to that story, but it does have a reason for being right here right now...11

The reason I've been crying (not really because I can't cry, no joke.  More like wanting to cry) is because I haven't talked to my sister in a while because I'm grounded from the phone and that (besides AIM) is the only way I can talk to her.12

That is the only thing now-a-days that actually brings tears to my eyes is thinking about how much I miss her, how much I want her with me, or how much I want to be with her.  Right now she is the most important thing in my life, she means more to me than anything ever has, and more than anything ever will.13

She may or may not know this, but still...it's the way it is, and life sucks...I get jerked away from her for 6-8 months every year.  I don't want to do it anymore, I can't take it...14

So, if you're wondering what's wrong with me today, now you know.  You may not have wanted to know, but, seriously, imagine what that means to me.15

I guess that's it for today, though there is more to my depression today, that's the major part and that's all you need to know is the major parts.16

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lyrics ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~17

Artist: Used, The 18

Album: In Love And Death 19

Title: All That I've Got 20

So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me21

Off guard, red handed22

Now I'm far from lonely23

I sleep, I still see you lying next to me24

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...25

I need something average26

Someone please just give me27

Hit me and knock me out28

And let me go back to sleep29

I can't laugh30

All I want inside I still am empty31

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...32

I'll be just fine33

Pretending I'm not34

I'm far from lonely35

And it's all that I've got36

I'll be just fine37

Predenting I'm not38

I'm far from lonely39

And it's all that I've got40

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me41

Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat42

Eyes closed so hard43

I stopped your heart from beating44

So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I..45

I'll be just fine46

Pretending I'm not47

I'm far from lonely48

And it's all that I've got49

I'll be just fine50

Predenting I'm not51

I'm far from lonely52

And it's all that I've got53

And it's all that I've got54

Yeah, it's all that I've got55

It's all that I've got56

It's all that I've got!57

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me58

So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me59

I'll be just fine60

Pretending I'm not61

I'm far from lonely62

and it's all that I've got63

I'll be just fine64

Pretending I'm not65

I'm far from lonely66

And it's all that I've got67

And it's all that I've got68

Yeah, it's all that I've got69