Reading Minds...

Just thoughts.... 1

sometimes, it just is all too much....it seems ridiculous? Absurd?....hopeless, maybe...but you fight that...love has a healing power. 2

But then, i think......this not right for her.........3

She's in life...it's in order and moving.....i'm out of life....feeling absolutely dead most of the time....and that's just too much friggin melancholy too dump on someones head. 4

Would it be one of those co-dependent, confusing love with pity....someone who loves people they can rescue or pity.....it's easier and less challenging....i don't know. I'm so tired this morning that....it really isn't the best time to put a pin or label on this. I just don't want to hurt anybody else....or me....because, if someone turns around on a dime a few days or weeks later, and says.."i'm sorry, but, this is rebound for you...and they had already had gone home after meeting you thinking....."whoa"....he's too much. he's too messed up for me and ....maybe they even think....."loser"...really....not even wanting to admit it in that front part of the cortex...ya' know how we do that...because we don't want to think we're such simplistic judgmentalists. and maybe....it was one of her friends, who got the inside on this person she met and was thinking about....and that friend...didn't take but a minute into description, is already shaking their head...sitting across from her, in her cubicle, ...you know...it's about 10:15am, .....they've all set up...showed the "bosses", they're "on the go", "settled in" and organized, received the directions of the day...and once they recede to their office, satisfied, but semi-cynical, the workers take their coffee break...and it's expected by management...they know what's going on...and allowed...that fifteen minute break of "socialization"...and "uniting"...they know it's needed, although entirely unproductive at that moment for the company....if the workers don't gather together and strengthen each other for the day..."Hey...I'm with you...this sucks, but we're here...and we have the job..we can get through the day...." etc etc. So...coffee cup cradled in two hands, kind've, in lap...her friend is already shaking her head...."God, **, just run!!!...this guys sounds messed up! ...that's the last thing you need. some needy guy who is just going to suck the life out of you for his own healing purposes. He's on the rebound....sounds like of an entire life...do you want that? - what about the kids...your x...you've got too much going on. you don't need that. I mean....i'm sorry...i hate to say it, but....(leaning over to the whispering stance almost, with the crinkled up face'n all...)...he sounds kind of "pathetic"(said in even more of a lowered whisper, as though i was right there, around the corner). I mean yeah...he sounds "tender" and "giving" and all....obviously has some talents and intelligence you're attracted to....but...look where he is in his life right now. I mean...there must be some reason he's there....something about him....that you just don't want to deal with...I wouldn't, if I were you. Too much baggage. "Yeah"....she, says...."but, i've got my baggage too...it might not be as bad as you say...besides, ...give me a little credit. I can handle myself. If he's too much, i'll just pull out....that's all". 5

Thoughts swing...no....opinion/decision....back and forth as she walks along the sidewalk at lunch....like a metronome...or one of those slowly moving reverse pendulums....facial structure even changing with each swing of the pendulum....you know how the mouth curves itself down at the sides, when considering a yes to a "possibility with concerns...but still a possibility". Yet, then...her mind flashes back over the words her friend spoke in the morning....there's a lotta wisdom there...i don't know...the kids...i do have a lot going on right now. I really don't need another "child in a mans body" to take care of right now......(that's when the head moves to the other side and shakes a little up and down, eyebrows raised......slightly aware that you're doing this in public, as you walk, but don't care..but kind've...so, you quickly decide to stop showing it physically before people passing or looking from a short distance, think you're a nut)...6

I love him. I love him. I love him. (don't be absurd..you don't "love" him....you don't even know him!)...I want to love him. I'm so tired of being alone. He's like me!! After he's healed up abit, he'll be fine.....god....he's really talented...and sensitive. I need that. (rushed thoughts - force convincing....not sure). Besides...wouldn't it be a nice thing to do for someone, at the very least. So what? ...I mean...it's up to me how close we get, not him. (this is the self-protection part kicking in abit again.....). We'll talk...we'll only talk. .....(but i really want to be loved....what happens if i fall in love with him???? (worried) what happens, if i see his tears and hold his hand...and that's it..I'm gone!!! no.....no....i'm not the simple. i'm not that stupid. i'm not that weak....it'll be fine. I will have helped someone in need...and..if that's all that comes of it, i've done a good thing for the Lord. (but i'm so hurt...i really want to be loved....maybe I'm needier than he is?!? I mean, look at me...it's been so long. I've been protecting myself for a very long time....god, i'm so sick of fearing i'm unhealthy in this way. Like, i've become way to timid and protected...beyond my own ability to let go of. (it's comfortable.....i know it.....i'm "familiar" with it.....it's OK...) "ohhhhhh"...she sighs, as she turns the corner and starts up the stairs to the office again. - still quickly thinking and weighing....(this is pathetic....meeting a guy on the net....) You see, she's got that same kind of built-in cynicism as this proposed "mate", "date", whatever...of this whole "cyber-world", make-a-date, match a mate, absurdity....this isn't how it's done and there's this pathetic feeling too it i just can't shake" (these are the quick, underlying beneath the conscious activity, cerebral thought processing...multi-processing, that most of us do...simply..processing or doing two things at one time. They say that women are better "multi-taskers" than men...but...we all do this...both sexes. If you got half a **' brain, that is. There are simply just some simple, stupid(said without meanness or judgment..it just is - at a genetic level) people out there...millions, actually, that don't do that....a little maybe..in varying amounts, but....life simple and dumb for them. Almost makes it easier.... Does. I wish I had that. I wish I was free from abstract thought and imagination. Boring. Stupid. It would be easier. I envy the mentally disabled sometimes. ....(oh god, that's an awful thing to think **....stop that!). Anyway...doesn't matter...(at desk now...sits down on the swivel chair that was faced out for leaving, swings around, puts her purse down and takes off her coat) "ohhhhhhh",...she sighs, again. back to reality. (quick picture of just keeping this "thing" safe and on the net...and that's all it is. finished. done. no problem. on with real life. OK....i'm OK). Back to work. 7