Yay! Step right up and spin the wheel! 2
(#1) 3
Louie and I thought it was time that Jimmy was taught a lesson. He had made a grave mistake by getting our way. And it was time for him to pay the price. So while he slept, ol' Lou and I made our way into Jimmy's apartment... bound him, gagged him and threw him into the trunk of our Seville. 4
An hour later we had him tied to a chair in an empty warehouse down by the marina. 5
"Heh heh, you thought you were clever, didn't you Jimmy? Didn't you?!" Louie smiled. "Well how clever are you now tied there in your little rubber ducky boxer shorts?" 6
A sweet mixture of fear and panic shown in Jimmy's eyes. "I...I don't know what you're... whatyou're talking about!" He stuttered. 7
"Oh I think you do I." I said, whacking his kneecap with a wrench. 8
He howled in pain. "I don't! I swear, I don't!" 9
Louie seized him by the throat. "You cut in front us when we were in line for the ice cream man!" 10
"And you took the last two missile pops!" I grabbed him by the hair. "Do you know how much we like missile pops?" 11
Jimmy frantically shook his head, the tears streaming down his face. 12
Lou brought out the drill. "While you're gonna find out." 13
(#2) 14
I love easy listening. That’s why I listen to K-O-I-T... KOIT Radio. Soft rock from the 80s and 90s. KOIT has the soothing melodies that always makes my day. That’s why it never leaves my radio dial. 15
... 16
Richard’s house recently burned down while he was trying to make smores with a curling iron. So I said he could stay with me for a while. 17
“You can help yourself to anything in the fridge and watch as much TV as you like... but just don’t touch my K-O-I-T.” I joked and smiled. 18
“K-o-i-t? What's that?" 19
"I'm glad you asked. You see..." 20
"Is that some sort of new drug?!” Rich’s exclaimed. 21
“No, it’s...” 22
“Oh my god, you’re on drugs! You’re high now, aren’t you?! I can tell!” 23
“Richard, you misunderstood.” 24
“It’s okay. It’ll be okay. Akito... you need help. These k-o-i-ts are going to kill you! Don’t you understand that?!” He slapped me. “Don’t you want to live?!” 25
“Well, yeah, but...” 26
“No buts! I’m getting you help!” 27
So Richard called my family and friends and organized an intervention for me. 28
...So now, here I am in a rehab clinic... trying to kick my easy listening addiction. Sometimes, late at night, I still have the urge to hear some Moody Blues. When that happens, I turn on some Korn and think how lucky I am to have made it through another day. 29
(#3) 30
Princess Arlia and I met in the Enchanted Garden in the Palace of Roses. She was there, as a princess, representing the Kingdom of the Crystal Rainbow. I was there serving as a vassal on behalf of the King of the Sacred Land of Illusia. The Palace of Roses was celebrating it's bicentennial. The sky was a deepest blue and filled with fireworks, and the Mysteria flowers were in bloom. 31
"They're beautiful, aren't they?" She said. 32
"Not nearly as half as beautiful as you." I replied. 33
She smiled. "I'm Princess Arlia." 34
"I know." I said, returning the smile. "I must say." I continued. "Ever since tonight's feast i've not been able to take my eyes off you. ... Perhaps, what with the celebration and all, you would forgive me if I tried to steal a kiss." 35
She blushed. "Well... it is a special occasion... I don't see the harm." 36
We moved in close, our lips met, and a flourish of fireworks flared overhead. 37
"I think I shall never forget that kiss." I said. 38
"Nor I." She returned. 39
"Fare thee well my lady, it would be my grandest fortune to meet you again." 40
"Farewell sweet sir." 41
And I bid her goodnight. ... The evening is forever burned into my mind... her sweet scent, the night, the kiss... and the fact that I stole her wallet. 42
... 43
Getting a speedboat and not having to pay for it: Priceless
44(#4) 45
Steve and I were in my basement playing our weekly game of TV Fantasy Celebrity Dress Up. This week's theme: The Lovely and Sassy Ladies of Designing Women. So Steve, dressed like Suzanne, turned to me, dressed like Julia, and said, "Boy, I sure do wish I had a Philly cheesesteak right now." 46
"Well then," I replied, "Let's go get some." 47
So we went down to the Greyhound bus station, still in our fabulous Designing Women garb, and plunked down 197 clams fer two round trip tickets to Philadelphia. It would be a while before we got there, so Steve and I took a nap. Some odd hours later we awoke and found that we had arrived in the City of Brotherly Love. The only task left before us: Get some cheesesteaks. So we stopped a passerby and asked him where two all American boys dressed like saucy ladies could get some. 48
"¿Que?" He said. 49
??? "No, we don't want... que. Cheesesteaks." Steve said. 50
... "¿Que?" The passerby again replied. 51
"Cheesesteaks!" I said. 52
... ... ... "¿Que?" 53
"CHEESESTEAKS!" We shouted. 54
Two and a half hours later, Steve and I realized we had actually come to Philadelphia, Florida... deep in Cuban immigrant territory. 55
... 56
So long story short, he and I are now forced to work as ladies of the night for our pimp Javier... ... ... and we never got our cheesesteaks.
57(#5) 58
It was a dull summer's afternoon, Tommy and I were sitting around completely bored. 59
"What do you want to do?" Said I. 60
"I dunno. What do you want to do?" Said he. 61
"I dunno." I replied. "Hi-hi Cherrio?" 62
"Lost the cherries." 63
... "Monopoly?" 64
"Too long." 65
... ... "Twister?" 66
"Destroyed in the fire." 67
... ... ... "I know! Let's build a time machine and visit Abraham Lincoln!" 68
HOORAY! 69So three and a half hours later we finished our time machine. ... It was really an old fridge that we painted 'TIME MACHINE' on the side. ... We hopped in, sealed the cabin tight, and shot off back in time. 70
There was a crash, and we opened the door to see our time machine had landed. 71
"LOOK!" Yelled Tommy. 72
And I looked... and low and behold there stood our 16th president. 73
"Mr. Lincoln!" I shouted as we ran up to him. "Mr. Lincoln." 74
"What can I do for you young ones?" 75
"Mr. Lincoln," I asked, "when mommy and daddy lie down and do the mommy daddy dance... how come it makes me feel all funny inside?" 76
... ... ... ...
... ... ... "Devils!" Honest Abe shouted. "Beasts from Hell! Get behind thee, Satan!" 77"Whuuuuuuuuuuu!" Me and Tom shouted. 78
... 79
... 80
It turned out that the visit with Mr. Lincoln was really a hallucination caused by the lack of oxygen inside the old fridge. ... Tommy died.
81(#6) 82
It was Be Kind to the Elderly Day. So Gina and I decided to go down to the Sleeping Meadows Retirement Home and bring a little sunshine into their lives. I made a couple of pitchers of freshly squeezed lemonade and Gina made a great big batch of delicious brownies. 83
You should have seen those spunky oldsters! They were so happy to see us. And everything was goin' along just super... ... ... until one by one they started dropping dead. 84
"What the hell?!" I yelled. 85
"What's wrong?" Gina said. 86
"What's wrong? All...all the seniors are dead!" 87
"Oh... I know that... ... I killed them." 88 "You... you... you....." I stammered. 89 "Killed them... yes. Poisoned the brownies. Indeed." 90"But why would you do that?! Oh god... and on Be Kind to the Elderly Day!" 91
"I was being kind. What could be more kind them liberating those good, good people from their tired, weathered, weary old frames? Now their souls are free to fly... fly off into the universe forever and ever!" 92
"Yer crazy, you know that! My god... yer crazy! I'm calling the cops. Oh my god! Oh my god! I don't want to be here! I don't want to be here! I've gotta call the cops!" 93
"Come now... don't be so rash. You're hysterical. Just sit here for a moment and we'll have a nice long chat about this." 94
"Yeah...okay. I'm calm. I'm calm." 95
"Good. ... Here... have a brownie." 96
"Thanks." ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... O.O 97
... 98
... 99
THE END... and junk.100
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