He watched the rain run off the bleak sky as he stared through his reflection in the bus window. It was only around 6:30 in the evening but the rain clouds darkened the sky over the people walking home from work. He could see the advertisement on the side of the bus slide past in the shop windows. He could taste the cigar smoke of the old man smoking on the corner. He could hear the soft tapping of the rain on the bus roof as the raindrops drizzled onto the black umbrellas of the people passing by. 1
Everything around him seemed to slightly pulsate with the slowly falling rain. It was almost like everyone faded in and out of existence as they wandered and wove through each other like the cool breeze, making their way to different points in the city.2
His stop wasn't for another four blocks but without thinking he stood up and walked past the sleeping man in the seat next to the door and stepped out into the rain. When he looked around he found he was at the entrance to the city park. A large metal archway with the inscription 'veritas vos liberabit' worked into the iron at the top watched over all who entered and exited. 3
As he walked through the gate a single tear ran down his cheek along with the raindrops that stained his face. There he stopped, arms held out, palms up, feeling how the rhythm of his heartbeat matched that of the raindrops that sweetly kissed his palms. One last tear brushed his lips before he walked farther into the park.4
He walked to the park's center with his head held high, as if he had some unknown purpose. His eyes remained unfocused and he never noticed the raindrops that started to cling to his eyelashes as he faded away from the street lights. 5
In the middle of the center plaza lay a woman in a red dress that had a long rip up the side. She lay there completely relaxed as if she had intentionally lay down there and fallen asleep. Blood ran out from her in a spiderweb pattern along the edges of the bricks which layered the plaza ground. The rain had pushed most of the hair back from her face and softly beat against her smooth cheeks. A red umbrella lay off to one side.6
He approached and knelt beside her, careful not to disturb the web she lay in. He pushed a single hair back from her face and sat watching her as the rain soaked his suit. After what had seemed to be several hours without movement for either of them, he slowly bent down.7
He carefully placed a single kiss goodnight on her cheek before he stood up and made his way home along the dreary world of 14th street.8
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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I liked how much description you used, the imagery was quite good. I this could have been developed a tad bit further, particularly in the way of the characters, but good job and good luck!
-crimsonshadow- -
Voila, i have finally gotten the time to be on the computer... Soooo
First off GRAMMAR!
"It was almost like everyone faded in and out of existence as they wandered and wove through each other like the cool breeze, making THERE way to different points in the city"
i do believe you meant "their".
Anyways.
i don't have anything majorly deep and insightful to say because i have just woken up. surprise surprise. But, i think that the idea of the story is very good, but i do agree with crimson. It was done a tad overly dramatic. but just a tad. I think that the dramatic speech helped the story along quite well. Just don't overdo it. In the beginning of the story, however, i think that you simplified the sentances too much. There is a happy medium you need to find. But better too dramatic than bland.
Other than that, i thought it was really quite good. Quite good indeed.
Now, sorry for all the spelling mistakes that i'm sure are there, but i am very, very sleepy at the moment.
Love,
Moi -
As an attempt at narrative it isn't bad but you use very overly dramatic language, and so the story/poem comes off as cliche.
make your language more neutral use it tell the story rather than use language overpowers what you want to say.
Read some of the Kafka short stories.
Criminy Jicket
