Thoughts......

How can I feel alone, yet still be surrounded by so many people? But, that's often the loneliest place to be. I can understand you all thinking the thoughts I have our selfish, when there are so many others out there who have a much worse life than me. Yet, yours will always seem worse than other peoples...because you can never fully understand and go through what someone else does, and say that's worse...if you understand me.1

I can imagine the comments on this, saying we all feel like this, and I know. Teenage depression I suppose. I can also see all the comment saying 'You're not alone' and 'I'm always here for you'...but that doesn't change the way I feel. 2

Sometimes, I just curl up and cry....just to show that I have feelings. I love my family, I love my friends and god knows I love my boyfriend...but it gets SO difficult to juggle school work, seeing my friends, seeing my boyfriend and spending time with my family.3

The family part is less of a problem...I can feel myself slowly moving away from them, and I try...I do, try to spend time with them...but I end up feeling out of the loop, as if they're all sharing a secret I'm not allowed in on. I suppose it's hard to adjust. You spend 14 years of your life in a bubble, and the only person who is dependant on you is your mum.Then, boom; another boyfriend, boom;they're engaged, boom; we all move in together, boom; they get married, boom; we move to a town where the only person who I'm really friends with is my boyfriend, boom;he dumps me after 18 months, boom; my mums pregnant...and by the time I'm 16 n a half, I've gone from just being me and my mum living with my grandparents, to living with my mum and her husband and my half sister...throw in the fact I did GCSEs and am now doing As....and that sums up my life in the past 2 and a half years. Yes, I sound like I'm on a major woe is me, give me sympathy trip...but even if you did, that wouldn't help. God knows I love my sister, but why should I have to have a bad nights sleep when she isn't my child? Why should I have to suffer? Selfish I know, but I miss my mum....she isn't my mum anymore.I don't belong anywhere right now,I don't belong at home, I don't belong with my grandparents (they have each other) and I don't belong with my boyfriend (he lives with 2 mates)4

I don't think my boyfriends best friend likes me either...which throws a spanner into the works and lately it seems to be getting so much harder to just get up in the mornings and do my day, and it gets so much harder to just be me.I always seem to do something wrong, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing...and I don't realise I'm doing it. I feel so grown up in so many ways, yet there's still a little girl inside me who's screaming to have fun and do something wild and spontaneous...yet whenever I let her out, they make me put her back...whoever they are. The little girl inside me just wants someone to give her a BIG hug, and tell her everything's going to be OK...but no one does, maybe because no one can...how can we know it will all be OK?5

I feel like people are trying to change me, yet if you change me, how would I still be me? I wouldn't, so either love me and accept me for who I am or piss off out of my life.6

Sometimes I just need someone to talk to...but it doesn't change anything...just gets rid of a load. I just needed someone to talk to tonight...someone to pour my heart out to...yet he couldn't be bothered to talk to me because the phone hurt his ear...although he doesn't know I feel this way.7

Sometimes I feel the permanent smile and happy me is a mask to hide myself...but through the way everyone tries to change me and what has happened in the past couple of years...I don't think even I truly 100% know who I am.8

So, maybe I should just be left alone with these thoughts...to cry my tears and wonder who I am, what I want and when did I become a spoilt only child. Because until now, I never realised that that was who I used to be....but is that my fault?9