Not much to say today I guess...just depressed...I don't think I can take it anymore. Everybody's stabbing everybody in the back...drama everywhere I turn...I just want to get away from it for 5 minutes, that's all I ask...I can't even be alone without people freaking out. I think I'm seeing Nancy tomorrow, but what's the point if all she does is judge me just like (if not worse because she knows more shit about me than I do) everyone else. I'm getting sick of feeling like I can't trust anyone. I haven't told anyone down here about what I did on the ninth...12 pills, and I wasn't even trying to die...though I wouldn't have minded if I did. I just wanted to to get away, get some sleep, but my brain and my heart wouldn't stop telling me that Monday at school was going to be shit...it always is though. So I took the pills, they put me out, I was asleep, but not really asleep because I was still thinking...I dunno, confusing. Maybe it is time for me to go on my way, just let it go, move on...anyone who's ever left me, they're not coming back...I know this, and yet I keep expecting them to walk through the front door. Raisin's dead, she's gone, but I still...it still...I can't think about that without crying, I still haven't accepted it. I'm supposed to draw a pet for Graphic Design (due tomorrow) and my family's all like you should draw Rotcy...but, I don't think that's fair...that Rotcy gets drawn because she's here, and Raisin gets forgotten because she's nothing more than a memory...possibly only my memory...sometimes I wonder if she really did exist, and at times like that I look at the 5 pictures I have of her before she died...I miss her so much, I miss how much I could trust her and I don't know what I'm going to do when Comet leaves me...I dunno, maybe people are right...maybe I am pathetic...only having relationships with animals...but then again, maybe they're pathetic for only having relationships with people because you can't trust people...So lonely, I'm still having nightmares, can't seem to sleep at night...Why can't people deal with their own issues? Why must they come to me? Can't they see that I'm just...not here anymore?1
Let me go so I can leave...2
Author notes
Raisin-My dog, we had to put her to sleep around New Year's 2004/2005.
Rotcy-Our new puppy, got her the weekend before Christmas 2005.
Comet-My cat, I got him on Christmas 5-7 years ago...just before I met my sister Emmy...best year of my life (possibly.)
Nancy-My therapist
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Comments
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I am sorry you are feeling so down, I know there is nothing I could probably say to cheer you up. Its weird that you wrote this on 1/11 because that is the day my dad died and when I saw thew title I was like woah, thats crazy. And I love animals too, I get made fun of sometimes that I like them more than people, but they love unconditionally right
Most my friends feel the same about their pets too so you are not pathetic.
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I know you want to leave this place, there's no doubting that, and I always want you to be happy. I'm just begging for another way to make you happy other than death. I want you to have peace, that's all. I can't stop you from doing what you want. But I want you to be here with me until I die at a very very old age. We'll be lying on our death beds recalling every stupid little thing we did when we were young. If you die, I'm going to die too. If you want me to come down to Florida, tell me and I'll get a plane tiket down there. Just remember that you're my sister and that you are the most important in my life. Nothing can ever change that. I'm going with you, no matter where that is.
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I am very sorry that you are having a crappy (insert number of yrs,mths, days here). I know how you feel. People are always coming to me with their problems. I mean, I have problems of my own to deal with! I just know exactly where you are coming from. I was going tell you about all my crazy friends, but I decided you didn't need that extra stuff. I don't have a whole lot of freinds. never have and proabably never will, but you are correct. I don't have a lot of friends because people are untrustworthy and look out for only themselves. Animals don't expect anything of you except to play with them and feed them and love them and they will love you back unconditionally. So, I know what you mean. My life hasn't been exactly a bucket of fun. Anyway, don't kill yourself just because your life sucks now, it'll get better. I have had my breakdowns and my 'why the hell am I alive?' moments, but I never did it because I know there are people out there who love and care for me and to kill myself would be selfish and give a good friend a reason to kill themselves. Anyway, try to be optimistic, I know it can be hard to see the brighter side of things, especially when it deals with the death of a loved one.
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