We sat and stared at the pentigram in the center of the floor...our voices echoed around the empty basment as we spoke the incarnation...silance followed,a nothingness filled the world and encased us...1
Then slowly at first a low thuding sound started...like a heart beat it strengthened...2
The sound seemed to come from the basment walls behind them, but slowly as it streangthened...moved closer to the awaiting pentigram...3
As the noise fell opon the five people in the room, the room tempreture droped drasticly...4
A bead of sweat which was rolling down Natasha's cheek froze to ice and fell to the earth...5
The light bulbs in the center of the room started to buzz and falter before shatering and sending out red hot glass flying over our heads...6
The pentigram was now issuing its own radiance but with the glow of dying embers left after the fire...7
The ciggeret in Fredericks hand went out like my mom after 5 rock shandys.I heard him curse under his breath...by now the thuding had grown to a banging, one that resounded off the inside of our skulls and ratteled our teeth...8
Then as if reluctenly,smoke started to form,rising out of the center of the pentigram creating great whisks and swirls around us that soon covered the entire floor in a blanket of wafting fog...9
One of the swirls rose into my face as if to choke me and with it,it carried the stench of brimstone...I silently struggeled to not throw up in mouth...10
The banging stoped.11
All was silent.12
The smoke froze.13
The Earth shook.14
A rushing noise.15
Then as if summond back by its master,the smoke swept back to the pentigram ,over us to create a rising torent...16
And in the center of it all a human form apeared...17
Author notes
Ok this is my first story...it probely sucks...the demon name above is a actual name from Europian demons...
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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wonderful
ohh! nope don't suck you got me hooked gotta read the sequal now laterz
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OOhhh exciting! Im intrigued.
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow...shit I,ve made a lot of mistakes...I'll have to fix it up..thanks mum
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Great effort, this was a freaky dark start to what will be a great story I am sure. Just a few things I would like to point out. You spelling needs help and the tenses change which is not got. Here the things I did note:
I think you meant incantation?
incarnation - manifestation, embodiment
incantation - Chant, prayer, spell
You start by saying we, therefore this sentance must be. Behind us and not them.
The sound seemed to come from the basment walls behind them, but slowly as it streangthened...moved closer to the awaiting pentigram...
As the noise fell opon the five people in the room, the room tempreture droped drasticly...
Spelling:
basment - Basement
streangthened - strengthened
pentigram - pentagram
opon - upon
tempreture - temperature
droped - dropped
drasticly - drastically
Ciggeret - Cigarette
struggeled - struggled
ratteled - rattled
reluctenly - reluctantly
One of the swirls rose into my face as if to choke me and with it,it carried the stench of brimstone...I silently struggeled to not throw up in mouth...
Number one: Yuck
Number two: I silently struggled to not throw up. Is fine.
You have a great story here now you just have to work on the technique.
Have fun
Mum
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Thanks I,ll try to put part 2 on 2moro...Tell me when you get a story on I wanna be one of the first to read it
Mike -
fuckin great!
Damn I like your descriptions in this story. I haven't gotten around to putting any of my stories on here yet but I'll try. I have quite a few and none I don't think as descriptive as this...Anyway great story. Later! Keep it metal! \,,/
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