The Adventures of Jimbo and Bob

“Wussis?” Jimbo asked as he hit the floor. He had rolled out of his bed, forgetting he was in a bunk bed, and on the top bunk. He and his friend, Bob, lived in the abandoned motel on the corner of 24th street and 25th street. 1

Jimbo continued to lie there on the floor, not moving, staring at the note that was taped to the floor. Why Bob had felt the need to tape the note to the floor is unknown, but that wasn’t what Jimbo was thinking, for that would be logical, and Jimbo is not a logical person.2

”Wussis?” He repeated, looking over the note. It said:3

Djkhdh JDIdjnicch,4

;sdkjuccnuep9 f hsuief hs uisdhuifh asioi j h fuiohioe jhjfuhivcupapw9 f ef0f9yuf  dhudhij  duiadh d apuidha dpaiuhsdnc chgfvytafw[Apojerng[pro[ [IAOHG [wioe j[s dfj[SIODF fhf[OID FHFIO sidf udmd dkd slapedimvf,5

fkjf sfjdhf,6

sjb7

”I need me some al’ohol.” Jimbo said as he stood up from his position on the floor, picking up the note.” He wandered to downstairs to the kitchen, for he and Bob slept on the second floor of the motel, believing all floors above that were haunted (except for the sixth floor, but that one is too far up to get to the kitchen easily).8

He stumbled into the kitchen, hitting his knee on several objects and then complaining about an old football injury he’d received in College and that the injury was acting up again. He, of course, therefore had no idea that not only was the pain in his knee not caused from an old football injury but indeed from hitting it on several objects every morning, but he was also clueless as to the fact that he had never finished High School, let alone go to College.9

”Wussis?” Jimbo exclaimed for the third time as he opened the cabinet that usually held the whiskey bottles. 10

”What now?” Groaned Gerry, the One Eyed Hobo who lived in the box next to the abandoned Motel on the corner of 24th street and 25th street. Gerry was currently sleeping inside the cabinet.11

”’Ave you any al’ohol?” Jimbo asked wearily. His knee still hurt.12

”Can’t I get some sleep?” He yelled angrily. 13

”I ‘ust wunt some al’ohol!” Jimbo protested.14

”Take your stinkin’ whiskey and leave me be!” Gerry protested, scratching his beard. He then rolled over and went back to sleep.15

Jimbo immediately searched the next cabinet, successfully discovering that it was full of alcoholic beverages.16

”’upid ‘ittle al’ohol!” Jimbo said, waving his finger like a parent lecturing a child, “Always mooin’ from one cabnet to ‘thuh utha!”17

He then opened a bottle of whiskey and began his morning drink. His body recharged with the amazing fuel of alcohol, Jimbo once again picked up the note. Now it said:18

Djkhdh JDIdjnicch,19

;sdkjuccnuep9 f hsuief hs uisdhuifh asioi j h fuiohioe jhjfuhivcupapw9 f ef0f9yuf  dhudhij  duiadh d apuidha dpaiuhsdnc chgfvytafw[Apojerng[pro[ [IAOHG [wioe j[s dfj[SIODF fhf[OID FHFIO sidf udmd dkd slapedimvf,20

fkjf sfjdhf,21

sjb22

Because Jimbo was indeed expecting it to change. 23

”Blimey!” he shouted out, dropping his whiskey bottle but immediately grabbing another one. “Gerry! Gerry! L’sin tuh this!” He said, knocking on the cabinet door.24

”Bagh!” Gerry shouted from inside his cabinet.25

”I ‘avent read it’ yet!” Jimbo said, shaking the letter, “L’sin tuh this:26

Dear Jimbo,27

I ‘ave gone to a al’oholics anoneemus meeting to ‘elp wit my al’oholic problem. I ‘ad re-seeved a ‘elefone call ‘ust the utha day. They said my taxes ‘adint bin payed in munts! 28

’ome to think uv it, it wus the IRS ‘who called, but I’m goin to the al’oholics anoneemus meeting anyway.29

Do not try and ‘ollow, for the al’oholics anoneemus buil’ing is cleverly hidden ‘ehind a sign that says: “Alcoholics Anonymous”30

Your friend,31

Bob32

Do you know wut dis means?!” Jimbo asked hysterically.33

”So he went to the alcoholics anonymous, big deal! You should probably go, too!” Gerry shouted from inside the cabinet. It had been a rather restless night, what with Bob constantly digging through the cabinet for more alcohol as he wrote the letter, and Gerry the One-Eyed Hobo was not known as Gerry the Very Friendly and Patient One-Eyed Hobo… Because he wasn’t friendly, nor was he patient.  34

”No!” Jimbo protested rather loudly. Much more loudly, in fact, than was necessary for anyone to hear him, even if they were sleeping in a cabinet. “It means we’ ‘ost thuh ‘poo’le!” 35

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Meanwhile at the AA Building36

”Welcome, everyone, to Alcoholics Anonymous.” A friendly man said as Bob sat down. He still had a whiskey bottle tied around his neck, but he didn’t feel out of place. Why should he? He was among fellow alcoholics! And anonymous ones at that!37

He wasn’t sure what ‘anonymous’ meant, but he was pretty sure it was a good thing. To make sure, he had asked the friendly man earlier when everyone was coming in. The friendly man told him it meant, and Bob sat down in his chair again, satisfied with himself.38

”Okay,” The friendly man said, clasping his hands together enthusiastically, “We’ll start from the left and then we’ll each stand up and say our names and… Uhm… Yes?” He looked at Bob expectantly, who was waving his hand enthusiastically back and forth.39

”Well, it’s ‘ust that it’ du’int seem very anoneemus if ‘we gotuh say our names furst.”40

”Well, the point of saying our names,” the friendly man explained all friendly-like, “Is so that we admit that we are an alcoholic, and that we need help. Now, if we can just move on to… Uhm… Yes?” He asked, for Bob was once again waving his hand enthusiastically.41

”Well, it’s ‘ust that I wunted to know… Are you an al’oholic?”42

”No… Now if we just start with… Yes?” He asked for Bob was again waving his hand much more enthusiastically than was necessary.43

”Well, it’s ‘ust that if you’re not an al’oholic, then wut are you doin tellin us al’ohol is bad for us? I mean, it ‘ust du’int seem rite for a non-alcoholic to tell us wut to do.” He said. The others murmured amongst themselves before finally deciding that, despite his poor grammar skills, he was right.44

”Okay, okay, calm down, please.” The friendly man said in an even friendlier voice than before, “We’ll get an alcoholic in here to help you with your… Yes?” He asked, regretting calling on the over-enthused Bob almost immediately.45

”Well, wuts an al’oholic gonna tell us? ‘E be tellin us not to do wut ‘e ‘imself does!” He said, more confident of himself than before. Once again, there were some murmurs, and, once again, everyone came to the conclusion that he was right.46

This is going to be a loooonnngggg meeting, the friendly man thought to himself.47

This ain’t so bad! Bob thought to himself.48

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Meanwhile, at the abandoned Motel…49

Jimbo had decided to think about the problem at his favorite bar, The Tea and Biscuit. No one was quite sure why it was called The Tea and Biscuit, since it was a pub, and it didn’t sell tea, or biscuits, but no one except Bob had bothered to voice their opinions.50

Jimbo sat on the bar stool, staring at his reflection in the very clean and polished countertop. He wasn’t worried about Bob, for Bob was able to get himself out of these troubles quite well. 51

In fact, with Bob’s help, he’d successfully avoided the IRS, crisp clean water, education, and other such perils that threaten an alcoholic’s life. Unfortunately, the last time Bob had left the abandoned motel without bothering to tell Jimbo that they still didn’t have a poodle, Jimbo had electrocuted himself looking for the missing dog. He thought he’d found it a couple of times, but in the end it just turns out he was stupid.52

At last Jimbo got an idea, and hurried back to the abandoned motel. Once there, he quickly grabbed a VCR and knelt down on his knees, peering into the tape slot. He then unplugged the VCR and peered at the plug-in. 53

He suddenly remembered an interesting fact that he’d stumbled upon once when he was accidentally doing something educational. He’d accidentally learned that the tongue was the strongest muscle in the body. Being such, Jimbo decided he needed to open the plug-in hole a little wider. So, naturally, he decided to use the strongest muscle he had to do so.54

”Bob?” he asked the plug-in socket, “Are ‘u in there?”55

There was no answer, so Jimbo decided he would outsmart his companion.56

”If ‘u are in there,” he said rationally, “Then don’t say any’ing.”57

He waited a few moments, but still no answer. He decided that logically this must mean Bob was indeed in the plug-in socket, and that Jimbo would have to make the hole wider using the strongest muscle he had.58

Needless to say (but I’m going to say it anyway), Jimbo was electrocuted, for this was exactly what happened last time Bob had left. 59

”Jimbo!” Gerry yelled angrily, “Quit making out with electrical outlet!”60

”I ‘ought Bob wus in there!” he protested.61

”You need to go to church,” Gerry said, helping Jimbo to his feet, “They’ll give free food to people like us!”62

”Al’oholics?”63

”No! Hobos, of course!”64

”Is Bob at thuh church?”65

”Well… No…” Gerry admitted.66

”Wut about a poo’le?” he asked stupidly.67

”Sure! Why not?” He said, dragging Jimbo out the door.68

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Meanwhile, at the AA meeting…69

“What now?” The friendly man asked in a not-so-friendly voice as Bob was once again waving his hand over-enthusiastically. He’d been interrupting the meeting with meaningless questions, statements, and reasonings. In fact, the friendly man hadn’t been able to speak three words without Bob waving his hand once again, waiting to be called on.70

He tried to ignore Bob at first, but Bob just crawled out of his chair, to the man’s feet (his hand still in the air), and then began to proceed on tugging on the man’s pants leg until at last he was called on. If the friendly man still didn’t call on Bob, he would begin to cry and shout out very loudly,71

”Please! PLEASE! ‘UST THIS ONCE! CALL ON ME! PLEASE!”72

”What now?”73

”I forgot.” Bob said simply. 74

In fact, he’d forgotten most everything he wanted to say, because it took the friendly man far too long to call on him. At one point Bob suggested he see an eye doctor so that he could see when Bob was waiting to be called on.75

At last, however, through much patience and years of training to deal with morons, they got to the name announcing that Bob had previously been protesting about. In fact, at a much later point he’d suggested the name be changed from “Alcoholics Anonymous” to “Not Quite Anonymous Alcoholics”.76

Unfortunately, during the name announcing, he knew he must eventually call on Bob.77

”And you?” He asked, gesturing towards Bob.78

”Me?”79

”Yes, you.”80

”You really ought to see dat eye doctor, I wus’nt rais’n my ‘and that time!”81

”What is your name? And are you an alcoholic?” The friendly man asked patiently.82

”My name is Bob. I am an al’oholic who lives in the abandoned motel on thuh cornuh uv 24th and 25th street. I know a hobo with one eye, and…”83

”All we needed was your name and whether or not you were an alcoholic. We don’t need to hear your life story.”84

”Are you sure?”85

”Yes, I’m sure.”86

”Well, I don’t believe I much wunt to be here anyway!”87

”You do realize that you’re an adult, you came to this meeting upon your own free will, and you can leave anytime, right?”88

”No.”89

”Well, you are, you did, and you can.”90

”Oh.” Bob said, shocked. He stood up, and quietly, left the room. The friendly man was thankful, because it was the first quiet thing Bob had done since he’d entered the room.91

Unfortunately, his thankfulness was short-lived, for he could soon hear Bob crying very loudly outside the door.92

Upon opening the door, he discovered Bob sitting right beside it, crying very loudly. 93

”No one likes me!” He said, his grammar slowly improving due to the lack of alcohol, “Everyone hates me!”94

By this point, the friendly man didn’t feel so friendly any more: “You’re right. Now shut up.” And he closed the door.95

After crying very loudly for about an hour and a half, Bob got bored and decided to go see what Jimbo was doing.96

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Meanwhile, at Church97

”Is The Lord great?” The preacher asked.98

”Amen!” everyone said in unison. Everyone, that is, except Jimbo.99

”BE QUIET!” He shouted angrily, “THIS IS A CHURCH!”100

The preacher looked at Jimbo angrily.101

”’tis okay now!” Jimbo said to the preacher, saluting, “I don’t think that they’ll be tawkin agin!” 102

”Get out.” He said.103

”Wut?”104

”Get out of the church. Now.” He said more angrily. This was precisely the eighty-fifth time in twenty-six minutes that Jimbo had interrupted the sermon. Two times during this the preacher threw the offering plate at Jimbo, and six times Jimbo suggested very loudly that he go to an anger management class, but that it was okay because he forgave him anyway because The Lord told him to.105

Jimbo sulked out of the church and back to the abandoned motel, where he immediately went back to the electrical outlet.106

”Bob?”107

”Jimbo?” Bob had just walked through the door to find Jimbo kneeling beside the plug-in socket.108

”I’ll save you!” he shouted, grabbing a whiskey bottle and smashing it against the plug-in socket. This, of course, resulting in him being electrocuted for the third time that week.109

But he would be okay this time, because his friend Bob was there to help.110

”Good luck with that.” Bob said as he walked into the kitchen for another whiskey, ignoring Jimbo’s charred and twitching body.111