Dear Life,

I have spent my entire being on acknowledging that I know, in some way or another, that I do have a reason to be here. I have gone through hard times only to come out in the end with the realization that there are people that have been through more than I have, and knowing that everyone, EVERYONE, has a story. I know with all of my heart that although I have done things in my life that I thought I regret, I regret nothing. In 2005 I came to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason, no matter what it is, and I learned that the only thing that I could truly believe in was Karma, and love.1

Starting school was a new world to me, it showed me that I was capable of being more than a housewife, and a mother. Up until August everything was fine it seemed. I was a part time waitress and a full time wife and mother. Then, school came. I was opened up to a whole new way of thinking  and living, and I loved it. A 3.7 g.p.a. my first semester at college after dropping out of high school, wow! As a psychology major and a person who is obsessed with the mind, I knew that all I had to do was believe that I could take this as far as I wanted it to go, and I will.2

When you get older and you have kids, you realize that Christmas really is about being with your family, and that is all that matters. My brother in law is living with us and his family is living in Pittsburgh, and his wife and 3 kids come to stay with us for a few days to visit and be together at the holidays. Why is it that the night before Christmas people think that they have to drink? I will never understand that. Well he did and at 4 in the morning the cops are at my house for a what could have been a domestic violence call. His three kids were in my dining room on the floor crying because daddy tried to pull mommy out of the bed by her ankles and they don't want them to go to jail. It settles down, the cops leave, and we all try to get some sleep.3

7 comes, and we are all up again, opening presents and drinking eggnog. It's time for us to go to my grandma and grandpa's house. Christmas there has always been special, it has always been the place where we can all go to be together and see the family that we usually don't get to see through the year. This should have been the one day that my grandfather took his meds, the one day that he knew he could not be an asshole to everyone there, but, he chose not to, and myself, being the person that I am and not having any sleep the night before, was really not in the mood to listen to my grandfather tell me and my family why we are all so lazy.4

It starts when we are all opening presents. He is getting pretty mad because all of the smaller children (I have a 1 and a 4 year old, and there were a couple other there around the same age) were getting rowdy and excited. I am the only one out of about 12 adults that try to explain to him that they are kids and they are having fun, IT'S CHRISTMAS! Time goes by, we eat, and then my grandfather comes up to me and says " Why don't you get off your lazy ass and get in the kitchen to help the women do the dishes." There is more than one thing about this sentence that really puts me over the edge. First: lazy? Tell me, when does working, going to school full time, taking care of two kids, and making sure the house is clean and dinner is cooked make you lazy? Second: Get in the kitchen and help the women. I was in the kitchen, and there were three people in there, my grandma's kitchen is not that big, what was I going to do?5

And let's not forget the "women" thing. My grandpa is from the era where the man sits on his butt and the woman does everything, but it was starting to get a little old, and hurtful. So, I told him about himself, and I tried to do it in the calmest way, but when you have listened to 24 years of ridicule from a man that is supposed to be wiser than that, it gets to you, and I went off. What I actually said, I really do not remember, but I got kicked out. KICKED OUT. Myself, my husband, and two small children got kicked out on Christmas because I finally stood up for myself.6

It was over, I was sad, I was hurt, but it was over, then, Monday, the day after, we come home to a note on our T.V. saying that Jamie, my brother in law, was rushed to the hospital because he hung himself in our basement, and almost dies, luckily, the cord broke. So along with everything else that not only I have went through, but my kids have went through, I have to now come up with a reason why their uncle is in the hospital, and they can't see him. 7

Although it was the hardest holiday I have ever had, I now realize that all of it had to happen, and although I have not figured out why, I know that sooner or later it will become clear to me. I know that what I went through with my brother in law has made me closer with his wife, who is an awesome friend to me now, and the things that I went through with my grandparents will eventually work out and maybe make us closer, it all happened for a reason, but for now I am sticking with the fact that I know it made me stronger, and that is one of the best lessons that I will ever learn.8