Only hope

"It reminds me of that really nice feeling you get when you're warm in bed, the pillows are really soft, the temperature is just right, and you're just ready to fall into the moment of sleep. Or when you wake up after a great dream, and you stretch and feel the cold parts of the bed.  So you crawl back into a nice position and feel ready to start the day, but still slightly drowsy. You want to get up, but something in the warmth keeps you there.1

Its a peaceful, lucid moment where nothing can change, and it feels no matter what the world throws at you, it's going to be just fine. Every part of you seems to be rolling in happiness, from the tips of your hair right down to the heels of your feet, comfortable and wrapped in a protective blanket from the world's depression.2

You're ready to take on the world, with no training wheels because the warmth has now gone from a physical state to a mental state. It seems every time you go to bed, the good dreams you have give you fuel for the day ahead. Almost like a battery being recharged, with happiness.3

But its after you get out, that you start feeling vulnerable. No longer are you surrounded by things that are under your control. No longer is the world filled with nice people, nice things, and nice situations. No longer is the feeling of warmth inside you, in fact its being filtered out to restore the balance to things around you. 4

Almost an energy shift of happiness to the environment. And things can attack you, so you build up that barrier of random things to throw at these harsh criticisms you know are going to arrive. 5

Words become instant weapons, ready to destroy or bring down any sort of remark that could potentially be a bomb in emotion. But then the semi-permeable membrane of your heart always has carrier channels for the few things you think might possibly be good. And some of the remarks seem to have the inbuilt ability to bypass the "Random" barriers that seem to keep you safe. And once they pass, you load out the guns of sarcasm that defuses any remainder of harsh material. 6

As effective as this method of diffusing people and their entire opinions is, it only gives you a half elevated sense of happiness. 7

In a round-about way, something is telling me that I'm doing the wrong thing, I'm falling in too deep, and I'm going to drown should I continue down this path. But his hands reminds me that if I ever did, he'd pull me straight back up again. And it scares me to death and back again that I trust in myself and him, never to allow the drowning to happen. 8

But in those moments, what is it like, you ask? 9

Just peace, pure undiluted peace, and that moment of happiness you had when you woke up? Its back.10

Back again."11